February 9, 2006
My Jewish Intermarriage
What did you and your spouse discuss after it was clear that you would have a chuppah and ketubah in your future? Probably something that turned out not to matter like, "How many kids do you want?" or "What is your dream vacation?" or "If we have twins, do you think we should dress them the same?"
If you were anything like my husband, Jeff and me, you probably completely overlooked the real marital make-it-or-break-it questions like: "During the Passover seder, do you think the adults should hide the afikoman and have the kids look for it, or the reverse?" Or "Even though neither or us keeps kosher, is bacon OK?" "Is there an exception if I'm following Atkins?" "What is your position on latkes? Scratch or box?"
Let's face it. Every marriage between two Jews is an intermarriage. I'm not talking about the obvious ones, like a marriage between an Orthodox Jew and a Jew-by-birth who is not at all religious. Clearly if one spouse davens three times a day and the other spouse uses Mapquest to find her way to synagogue on Yom Kippur, a silver anniversary is not in their future. I'm talking about the rest of us.
Because so much of our Jewishness comes from how we were raised -- and we were all raised differently -- spouses never seem to be identical in the way they live their Judaism. My husband and I are a perfect example of this. Although we both grew up in families that were members of Reform Valley synagogues, our Jewish childhoods were day and night. When my husband was young, his family celebrated Chanukah, and dabbled in Christmas. In contrast, Christmas at the Jaffe home only meant that Bullock's was closed, dinner was Chinese and that our station wagon would be headed to the nearest movie theater.
My husband's family showed up at temple twice a year for the Big Two: Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. And although my mother-in-law became a temple regular after her children were grown, my husband did not chalk up a lot of synagogue time when he was a child. My brother, sisters and I, on the other hand, spent a huge chunk of our childhood at our synagogue, Temple Judea. We first started Hebrew school when we were still in diapers (or so it seemed) and continued through confirmation. We didn't miss a holiday (OK, I don't have any specific memories of Tisha B'Av), and much of my family's social life revolved around our havurah and temple events. If sports camps existed when we were kids, we didn't know about them; it was a given that we would go to Jewish overnight camps.
(I have no doubt that when my husband reads this, he will point out that the reason my siblings and I did not attend sports or rustic sleep-away camps had less to do with Jewish zeal, and more to do with my family's complete lack of coordination and irrational fear of camping. And I admit that there is some anecdotal evidence to support that position.)
While many years of celebrating holidays together has put my husband and me mostly on the same Jewish page, our different upbringings occasionally seep through. I feel it every Passover when his family breaks into a song with an unfamiliar melody, when he chooses a salty noodle kugel like his mother used to make rather than the sweet ones that I grew up with, and when we have Shabbat dinner on Friday nights.
I know Jeff and I are not alone in trying to merge the religious habits of two different childhoods. Several friends who had very traditional upbringings are married to Jewish atheists, who could take -- but mostly leave -- services. These friends have become the synagogue version of the football widow, and frequently attend temple events without their spouses.
By the time you read this, my husband and I will be approaching a dozen years of marriage. So why am I dissecting our relatively minor Jewish differences now? Two reasons.
First, I have written a book about the main causes of divorce. The book is predicated on interviews with 100 divorce lawyers from all over the country. I asked each lawyer for their opinion on why people are getting divorced in droves. While not a single one of them mentioned disagreements over whether the prayer over the wine is spoken or sung, let's just say I am hypersensitive to anything and everything that might cause marital friction.
The other reason that this is on my mind is that in a few months, summer camp will be in session. This year is the year that we intend to force our children to go to sleep-away camp purportedly for their own good, but really so that we can go on some great adult vacation. No doubt I will vote for a Jewish overnight camp, and my husband will lobby for River Way Ranch Camp. Each of our preferences will be based on what is familiar from our childhoods.
So if you know anyone trolling JDate for a husband, tell them to stop wasting their time on trivial discussions of common goals and values, and get straight to the important questions like: "If we were married, and attending High Holiday services, would you prefer to sit in front near the choir or in the back by the door?"
Wendy Jaffe is a freelance writer living in Bell Canyon. She is also the author of "The Divorce Lawyers' Guide to Staying Married," which will be released later this month from Volt Press. She can be reached at email@example.com.