Weddings

July 19, 2011

Extravagant Jewish celebrations — Have we gone too far?

by Rabbi Shmuly Yanklowitz

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A wedding that costs $100,000? A bar mitzvah that costs $20,000? When did extravagance and luxury become such primary Jewish values? I can’t remember the last simcha (Jewish celebration) I attended at which there were not tremendous amounts of wasted food, overly expensive napkins and bands large enough for a royal banquet.

Shockingly, the funding for these weddings (as well as bar/bat mitzvahs, and brit milahs) does not always come from savings accounts; rather, families frequently take out large loans in order to afford keeping up with the Jewish communal norms. Stories have been told that some families take out loans up to $100,000 to cover weddings that at times cost as much as $150,000 to $300,000. Is this what a committed Jewish life necessitates?

Histapkut bamuat (being content with less) is a core Jewish value, and Ben Zoma taught that a wealthy individual is one who is content with one’s lot (Pirkei Avot 4:1).

Rav Bachya Ibn Pakuda, an 11th century Spanish philosopher, shared this view and taught that a lifestyle of materialism and overindulgence leads one away from God. Furthermore, the Talmud (Sanhedrin 29b) teaches that one is not to appear publicly in a way that flaunts his or her wealth, as this lifestyle not only leads to arrogance, but also can shame others and lead them to covet.

Throughout various time periods, the Jewish community embraced sumptuary laws (laws limiting personal expenses on religious grounds). As a way of showing “deference to the poor” (Moed Kattan 27), even the richest people were to be buried plainly so as not to shame the poor, and on certain festive days, girls, especially those from wealthy families, were to wear borrowed clothes so as not to shame those who did not have.

In the early 18th century, the community of Furth prohibited the serving of coffee and tea because they were expensive. They limited the number of musicians at celebrations, as well as how long they could play. At other times, rabbis ruled that only fish, not meat, could be served at festive occasions.

Attempts to limit overly extravagant celebrations have been made in 21st century America as well. In 2001, the Agudah issued “Guidelines for Financial Realism and Modesty in Our Weddings,” and for a few years thereafter, ultra-Orthodox rabbis issued simcha guidelines (“wedding takkanos”) that canceled the vort (pre-wedding celebration), limited wedding guests to 400, the smorgasbord to the basics, the meal to three courses, the band to five musicians, and the flowers and chuppah decorations to $1,800. The Satmar, Skver and Belz Chasidim have also followed suit and issued wedding takkanos.

These takkanos indicate that the madness of overly extravagant celebrations has gotten out of hand.

Every simcha sets a new communal standard, and rabbis should be counseling families in the virtues of modesty and moderation as their congregants plan their celebrations. Family members and friends should remind loved ones what is most important when planning a major life event; it should be a time of spiritual reflection creating an ambience of love by bringing together sacred community and not be merely an opportunity to outdo “the Cohens.”

Instead of inciting competition and animosity, we should strive for more creative and holy celebrations that foster inclusiveness and community building.

Money is tight today, especially for those committed to living an observant Jewish life. A 2005 study estimated that synagogue membership averages more than $1,000 per year, and in large cities it can easily be two to three times that. A Jewish family with only three children could spend more than $100,000 a year on day school, camp, synagogue and kosher food. Prices are going up and not all can meet these demands.

A wedding, birth, funeral and the like are all opportunities for great spiritual and ethical possibilities and are a time for families to engage in financial introspection (cheshbon ha’kis).

Some argue that people have the right to enjoy their wealth and spend it as they please. While it is true that they have the secular right to do as they wish with their wealth, it is clear that excessively lavish simchot are at odds with core values of the Jewish tradition. Those who are concerned with the trend of expressing love through consumerism should consider alternative models of celebration, shifting the focus of Jewish life-cycle celebrations from materialism and extravagance to a more spiritual and ethical approach.

A version of this article appeared in print.

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So what is an acceptable amount to spend on a wedding. Please take in account that there are, potentially, multiple parties making decisions (i.e. 2 sets of in-laws) who all have a desire to celebrate this simcha they way they consider “holy”. What is the limit on guests? What type of food should be served? What clothes warn? How do you define the parameters of who should be invited?

Comment by Noam Raucher on 7/19/11 at 7:19 pm

i don’t agree so it’s a good thing this does not make some one frum or not frum like keeping the laws of kashrut. i believe it really needs to be based on what people can afford. if u can afford the best of the best and can share that with others thats wonderful. obviously people who r not artistic or in the fashion, beauty industry will not appreciate what i am saying. i really feel beautiful things are all works of art and therefore all come from g-d and so how can they not be spiritual? material lavish, intricate,extravagant beauty does not all of a sudden make something not at all spiritual.

Comment by Vera vayzer on 7/19/11 at 8:30 pm

So many examples of this, we r actually taught to dress up in our best clothes on the most spiritual day of rest the shabbath and holidays, to eat the best food and invite others to see and eat our fancier meals.Does getting dressed up for shul make attending synagogue less spiritual or more? why even buy a diamond ring? why celebrate shalom zachors, bdays? As a modern orthodox liberal jew i am grateful that i am able to live a torah lifestyle while remaining integrated in american culture and society.

Comment by Vera vayzer on 7/19/11 at 8:46 pm

That is part of the meaning of dina malchuta dina:The law of the land is also ur law and that is what a torah that changes with the times means.It’s almost the yr 2012. Let’s embrace change not look for old precedents. Rabbi’s never posted articles on facebook either before.

Comment by Vera vayzer on 7/19/11 at 8:47 pm

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