The text of the apocryphal Gospel of Judas entered the public sphere this month after surviving suppression by the early Christian church, centuries in the desert, the greed of looters and purgatory in a bank vault. And while National Geographic and The New York Times offered the "official" translation, our own Coptic scholars are nearly certain they've unearthed 10 startling revelations.
10. Judas says he had nothing to do with Jesus' death -- but he did devote his life to trying to find the "real killers."
9. John the Baptist was not a licensed lifeguard
8. Judas admits leaking Jesus' identity to the Romans, but only after he got clearance from Dick Cheney's great-grandfather.
7. Mel Gibson got it wrong: The real bad guys were the Presbyterians.
6. Scorsese had it wrong, too. The real, last temptation of Christ was mocha rum crunch gelato.
5. Jesus would have approved of gay marriage -- if Matthew and Mark weren't always fighting and getting into snits.
4. All the food at the last supper was low-carb.
3. Mary wouldn't have remained a virgin if Joseph could have gotten some Viagra in 40 B.C.E.
2. As he was dying on the cross, Jesus had a painful vision foretelling that, someday, Target stores wouldn't use the word "Christmas" during the holiday season.
1. After all that, Pontius Pilate's check bounced.