May 13, 2012 | 8:51 pm

‘The Dictator’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

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Sacha Baron Cohen…People either love him or hate him.  It’s hard to feel indifferent about this outrageous, over the top, and at times, super obnoxious, man.  Personally, I admire his chutzpah.

In his new film, ‘The Dictator’ a mock-documentary directed by Larry Charles (Borat, Bruno and Religulous) Sacha plays Admiral General Aladeen, a bearded North African dictator of the oil rich country, Wadiyas.

To get a sense about what kind of man the Admiral General is…His heroes are North Korea’s Kim Jong-il, Gaddafi and Saddam Hussein…

Aladeen has been in power since he was seven years old and he’s an ignorant egomaniac, who thinks nothing about ordering the death of anyone who displeases him…And practically everyone, at some point, displeases him.

Like most dictators, Aladeen has doubles that stand in for him and they usually wind up shot in the head from an assassian’s bullet.  This is one General with a lot of enemies…

Including…his right hand man Tamir (Ben Kingsley).  Tamir is secretly planning to overthrow Aladeen, take over the government so he can sell off the country’s oil rights.  Which brings us to the heart of the plot.

Aladeen and his posse are going to New York City so he can address the U.N…And that’s where Tamir plans on kidnapping Mr. Admiral General and replacing him with this really stupid shepherd dude, (Sacha Baron Cohen)who just happens to look exactly like…Aladeen…

Got it?...Okay. so…Aladeen arrives in The Big Apple and before he can pig out on pizza and pretzels, his so called security chief (John C. Reilly) kidnaps him.  This is actually one of the funnier scenes in the film.  Reily pulls out his torture items and Aladeen starts to ridicule him about his inferior, outdated equipment.

As Reily becomes unhinged from embarrasement, Aladeen starts a fire and gets away…Unfortunately, he winds up losing his beard and his clothes in the process…And now, no one recognizes him.

Poor, poor Aladeen…all alone…broke, dirty, wandering the streets of New York with not a camel or servant in sight…Karma’s a bitch, right?

Well, apparently not for Aladeen. He winds up at an anti-Aladeen protest, and meets, Zoey (Anna Faris) a vegan/feminist/politically very correct chick who manages The Free Earth Collective. And from there…well, you just have to see the film to find out what happens.

I can tell you that ‘The Dictator’ written by Sacha, Alec Berg, David Mandell and Jeff Schaeffer is funny, at times hysterically funny, politcally very incorrect, sexually bizarre, really gross but it’s also kind of charming…in a weird twisted sort of way.

And for all those reasons, I gave ‘The Dictator’ which opens in theatres Wednesday, May 16th. 3 1/2 bagels out of 5.  If you’re a fan of Sacha’s, it’s a must see.

May 10, 2012 | 2:24 pm

‘Dark Shadows’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

For those of you, like myself, who aren’t familiar with the television series ‘Dark Shadows’ which ran from 1966-1971, here are the film’s cliff notes…

The year…1750 (give or take)

A wealthy young man named Barnabus Collins (Johnny Depp) gets it on with his maid, Angelique (Eva Green) who just happens to be a witch…She feels the love…He…not so much. Witch gets pissed…Turns Barnabus into a vampire, locks him in a coffin, which she then buries deep in the ground.

Still not satisfied, Angelique kills Barnabus’s one true love, as well as his parents, and then, she spends the next two centuries destroying the rest of his family. This is one witch with major anger issues.

Now, let’s fast forward to 1972. For those of you, too lazy to do the math…two hundred years have past….Thanks to a group of construction workers, Barnabas is released from his coffin. He thanks the workers by eating them…After quenching his appetite, Barnabus makes his way back home…But his super sized mansion known as Collingswood, is not exactly as he remembers.

The once grandly estate is now dilapated filled with old furniture in need of a good dusting, a dirty chandelier and…the Collins descendents…who are in no particular order…

Matariarch, Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer)...her rebellious teenage daughter, Carolyn (Chloe Grace Moretz), Roger, (Jonny Lee Miller), Lizzie’s bum of a brother, his precocious 10 year old son, David (Gully McGrath) who has conversations with his dead mother.

This unhappy little group also shares their home with victoria, the nanny (Bella Heathcote) who happens to look exactly like Barnabas’s dead soul mate, a caretaker, Willie (Jackie Earle Haley) and a live in psychiatrist, Dr. Julie Hoffman (the fantastic Helena Bonham Carter).

Okay, so Barnabus arrives home, meets the clan, shares his secret identity with Elizabeth and gets to work restoring the family to its former glory.
Of course along the way, he must deal with televisions, lava lamps, women doctors, mini skirts, pot smoking hippies, and everything else that was part of the 70’s culture…including a Alice Cooper and a happening.

Oh, there’s one other small thing…Angelica, the love sick witch, is not only alive and well and running the town of Collinsport, but she still has the hots for Barnabus and will do everything and anything to make him hers.

‘Dark Shadows’ directed by Tim Burton and written by Seth Grahame-Smith (Abraham Lincoln Vampire Slayer) is a fun, campy and visually beautiful film.

Does it have some problems?...Yes…I felt Johnny Depp’s performance was one note and at times, the film felt stuck between two or three different genres. But having said that, I still enjoyed it and gave it 3 1/2 bagels out of 5.

John, on the other hand…did not share my opinion. Check out our video to see his throughts.

‘Dark Shadows’ opens in theatres Friday, May 11, 2012.

 

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April 30, 2012 | 3:08 pm

‘The Avengers’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

‘The Avengers’ written and directed by Joss Whedon (‘Cabin In The Woods’) has not one, not two, but six Super Heroes, who, under the leadership of Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), director of the international peacekeeping agency, S.H.I.E.L.D. come together to…save the planet of course…

And thanks to the spot on direction of Mr. Whedon and his production team, they do it brilliantly. The film, shot in 3D, works on every level.

Not to spoil anything…Here are the broad strokes…

Loki (Tom Hiddleston) Thor’s bro, who many of us met in the 2011 film entitled…‘Thor’, is still up to no good.

After his adorable blond brother, Thor, thwarted his attempt to overthrow the throne of Asgard, the super evil, power hungry Loki, winds up somewhere in outer space and hooks up (not in the biblical sense of course) with these really ugly aliens, known as the Kree Skrull, who would like nothing better than to invade earth.

Perfect fit for Loki, who obviously has a major God complex and won’t be happy until everyone on our planet bows down to him.  The boy is in serious need of psychological help…

To make matters worse, Loki has gained possession of the Tesseract…aka…The Cosmic Cube…a device that can multi task…Destroy everything in its path, be used as an unlimited energy source and…can open a portal to outer space.

Lucky for us, Mr. Fury has assembled a team of Super Heroes, that we’ve all come to know and love, to defeat these nasty invaders.

In no particular order, we have…Tony Stark/Iron Man played by Robert Downey Jr., who once again gives us a tour de force performance…Steve Rogers/Capt. America (Chris Evans), the cute guy who emerged from a long deep freeze, sometime last year…

Dr. Bruce Banner/The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo)...One minute Banner is this brilliant scientist…the next…a not so jolly green giant with major anger issues…

Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow (Scarlet Johannson) the hot, sexy, super assassin, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and his trusted, Mjolnir (no it’s not his exotic BFF…It’s his legendary hammer)

And finally…Clint Barton/Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) who can shoot a bow and arrow better than some Boy Scouts I know.

‘The Avengers’ not only has spectacular production values, super exciting action, a wonderful script (Zac Penn shares story credit with Joss) but the film is filled with a lot of…humor, making it a must-see for everyone…whether you’ve read the Marvel comics or not.

I gave ‘The Avengers’ which opens in theatres, Friday May 6, 2012…5 bagels out of 5 and…John, came pretty close with his rating, as well.  Yes, there are movies he likes, afterall.
‘The Avengers’ written and directed by Joss Whedon (‘Cabin In The Woods’) has not one, not two, but six Super Heroes, who, under the leadership of Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), director of the international peacekeeping agency, S.H.I.E.L.D. come together to…save the planet of course…

And thanks to the spot on direction of Mr. Whedon and his production team, they do it brilliantly. The film, shot in 3D, works on every level.

Not to spoil anything…Here are the broad strokes…

Loki (Tom Hiddleston) Thor’s bro, who many of us met in the 2011 film entitled…‘Thor’, is still up to no good.

After his adorable blond brother, Thor, thwarted his attempt to overthrow the throne of Asgard, the super evil, power hungry Loki, winds up somewhere in outer space and hooks up (not in the biblical sense of course) with these really ugly aliens, known as the Kree Skrull, who would like nothing better than to invade earth.

Perfect fit for Loki, who obviously has a major God complex and won’t be happy until everyone on our planet bows down to him. The boy is in serious need of psychological help…

To make matters worse, Loki has gained possession of the Tesseract…aka…The Cosmic Cube…a device that can multi task…Destroy everything in its path, be used as an unlimited energy source and…can open a portal to outer space.

Lucky for us, Mr. Fury has assembled a team of Super Heroes, that we’ve all come to know and love, to defeat these nasty invaders.

In no particular order, we have…Tony Stark/Iron Man played by Robert Downey Jr., who once again gives us a tour de force performance…Steve Rogers/Capt. America (Chris Evans), the cute guy who emerged from a long deep freeze, sometime last year…

Dr. Bruce Banner/The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo)...One minute Banner is this brilliant scientist…the next…a not so jolly green giant with major anger issues…

Natasha Romanoff/Black Widow (Scarlet Johannson) the hot, sexy, super assassin, Thor (Chris Hemsworth) and his trusted, Mjolnir (no it’s not his exotic BFF…It’s his legendary hammer)

And finally…Clint Barton/Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) who can shoot a bow and arrow better than some Boy Scouts I know.

‘The Avengers’ not only has spectacular production values, super exciting action, a wonderful script (Zac Penn shares story credit with Joss) but the film is filled with a lot of…humor, making it a must-see for everyone…whether you’ve read the Marvel comics or not.

I gave ‘The Avengers’ which opens in theatres, Friday May 6, 2012…5 bagels out of 5 and…John, came pretty close with his rating, as well. Yes, there are movies he likes, afterall.

Check out our video to see his thoughts and more of mine.

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April 26, 2012 | 10:13 pm

‘Safe’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

First off, I must say that there are some actors that I just enjoy watching…Doesn’t really matter all that much what they do up on the silver screen…I just like them…And Jason Statham is one of them.

Is he a great actor?  That’s yet to be determined, but he’s definitely an entertaining one.

In his new film ‘Safe’ written and directed by Boaz Yakin (‘Remember The Titans’) Statham is at the top of his game. He plays Luke Wright, an ex super cop, ex cage fighter, who’s at the lowest point in his life.  Luke’s wife has been murdered by the Russian mob and he is one step away from jumping off a subway platform into a moving train.

Seriously, he really is…until he spots a girl who looks like she’s in trouble.

The girl is ten year old Mei (Catherine Chan) and she happens to be a genius/math prodigy. Mei was kidnapped from her school in China and whisked off to New York City where she now resides with Triad boss, Han Jiao (James Hong).  The old dude doesn’t believe in computers and since Mei has a flawless memory, she becomes his human ledger. 

Unfortunately for Mei, the Russian mob know all about her awesome skills and they want her for themselves. So they wind up kidnapping her.  Wow, kidnapped twice in one movie.  That’s a record.

Okay, so the Russians have Mei…They want her to tell them about some number.  The little genius refuses to spill what she knows and when these goof balls aren’t looking, Mei escapes into the wild streets of Manhattan.

Oh, did I forget to mention…there’s also a bunch of crooked cops after her as well. 

It really sucks being popular.

Anyway, back to Mei, Luke and the subway platform…The Chinese and Russians are closing in on our girl fast…Luke, being the bad ass killing machine that he is…fights them all off, grabs Mei and…what follows are…

Incredible chase scenes, non stop violence, killer fight scenes, crashing cars, more killer fight scenes, as Luke struggles to keep Mei…safe.
Now don’t think that ‘Safe’ is all blood and guts…Well, basically it is, but…

There’s also some funny and sweet moments between Luke and Mei and that’s what added to the fun.

And yes, this film is fun and that’s why I gave it 3 1/2 bagels out of 5. 

Check out our video to see John’s rating…Hint…We seem to have a different idea about fun…at least when it comes to movies.

‘Safe’ opens in theatres Friday, April 27, 2012.

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April 25, 2012 | 11:32 pm

‘The Five Year Engagement’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

Unlike John, the other half of the ‘Two Jews On Film, it doesn’t take a lot for me to enjoy a film…Basically, I want to care about the characters and their story.  And this brings me to my problem with…‘The Five Year Engagement’, directed by Nicholas Stoller (‘Get Him To The Greek’)  I just didn’t care.

Not only didn’t I care about the two lead characters, Tom (Jason Segel) and Violet (Emily Blunt) but they really, really annoyed me..

The film starts out promising. Tom, an up and coming chef in San Francisco, proposes rather romantically, to his British girlfriend, Violet. She happily accepts and…next thing we know…

There’s an engagement party, where we meet the couple’s parents, friends and Emily’s over emotional sister, Suzie (the very funny, Alison Brie).  Suzie’s toast to the happy couple is definitely the highlight of this film.

Anyway, Tom and Violet start to plan their wedding, set the date, etc…and all is wonderful in their world…Until…

Violet gets accepted at the University of Michigan to study and teach psychology.  Tom, being the nice guy that he is, agrees to leave San Fran and move to…you guessed it…

The wilds of…Michigan…Tom figures that he can get a chef job anywhere, right?...Hmm, not quite.  After being turned down by several upscale restaurants, Tom winds up working at a local deli, making sandwiches.

He’s not exactly…‘living the dream’  Violet, however…is.  She thrives while Tom goes downhill…fast.

Some of the highlights of his descent…Tom becomes a hunter…killing defenseless deer, while wearing really ugly sweaters, that his new friend, Chris Parnell, a stay at home dad, knits for him.  Our guy also grows a scraggly beard, raises bees, and makes mead.  Really???

So, the wedding date keeps getting postponed…over and over and over again.  At the same time, to Violet’s chagrin, her sister Suzie winds up marrying Tom’s best friend, fellow chef, Alex (Chris Pratt) and has babies and lots of hot sex.

Chris Pratt, by the way, plays the exact same character he portrays in his t.v. show ‘Parks and Recreation’.

Considering that Judd Apatow was the producer and I am a big fan of Segel, I really expected so much more from this romantic comedy.  There are some funny moments, but on the whole, I found it predictable and plodding.

‘The Five Year Engagement’ opens in theatres, April 27, 2012.  I gave it 2 bagels out of 5.

Check out our video to see John’s thoughts and his rating.  I’d wait for DVD.

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April 20, 2012 | 4:53 pm

‘Marley’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

The music of Bob Marley makes me feel really, really good.  I could be in the worst mood, stuck in traffic…Whatever…All I have to do is click on ‘One Love’, ‘Exodus’ or ‘No Woman No Cry’ and my spirits soar.

However, my knowledge of Bob Marley was limited.  I knew that he was a Rastafarian, a Jamaican legend and one incredible songwriter/singer. 

After seeing Kevin McDonald’s documentary entitled ‘Marley’ I am happy to report, that I now know so much more…about Marley, the man and why…he was and still is…one of the greatest musical icons of the 20th century.

Bob Marley brought regae and his Rastafarian lifestyle to the masses.  He became a mythical figure to the people of Jamaica and to many others around the world.  His music lifted and united all people and greatly influenced the politics of the time. We’re talking late 60’s, 70’s.

Marley was born in the mountains of Jamaica in 1945 to a black mother and white father he only met a couple of time.  Because of his mixed race, he was a victim of prejudice throughout his childhood.  It seems that was one of the reasons he became a Rastafarian…

Kevin McDonald, who won an Oscar for Best Documentary in 2000 (One Day In September) has put together, through a series of extensives interviews with Marley’s wife, children (Ziggy and Cedella), record producer, Chris Blackwell (Island Records) as well as Bunny Wailer, the last remaining member of Marley’s band, The Wailer’s…an in-depth picture of Marley’s life…What drove him and what was the source of his inspiration.

Marley’s enormous talent brought him international fame, love and adoration…Especially the latter.

He had one wife, Rita, but Bob certainly loved the ladies.  He fathered 11 children by several different women.  Hey, no one’s perfect.

The best part of this film though, is seeing Bob Marley in concert.  To say he was an extraordinary performer, doesn’t even come close.  If Marley was alive today, he’d definitely give ‘The Boss’ a run for his money.

Sadly of course, he’s not.  Bob Marley died from Melanoma in 1981 at the young age of 36.

My only criticism of the film, is its length…2 1/2 hours…It could have been trimmed by at least 30 or 40 minutes…Having said that, I still whole heartedly recommend ‘Marley’ to anyone who loves music, regae and of course…Bob Marley.

I gave ‘Marley’ which opens in theatres April 20, 2012, 4 bagels out of 5…As usual, John disagrees with my rating.

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April 12, 2012 | 11:38 pm

‘The Cabin In The Woods’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

‘The Cabin In The Woods’, written by Joss Whedon (Buffy The Vampire Slayer & Avengers) and Drew Goddard (Cloverfield) who also directed, is one of the most clever horror films I’ve seen in a really long time.

Okay, without giving too much away, here’s the scenerio…Five friends go to a remote cabin in the woods and really horrible things start to happen to them. 

But trust me…It’s not what you think…or what you’ve come to expect from your classic horror film….

Because the friends are being watched…and…manipulated by a group of guys and gals in a control room,  led by Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins.

And when you, the audience, find out why these group of weirdos are doing all this controlling…well, for me it was not only the highlight of the film, but it confirmed the fact that I was watching a movie that was a true…original.

‘The Cabin In The Woods’  turns the horror genre on its head…The film is a satire as well as a homage to some of the great scary movies from the past…Sam Raimi’s ‘Evil Dead’, Dario Argento’s ‘Suspira’ as well as those creepy Japanese ghost stories, that I’m addicted to, even though they keep me up all night.

The the cast is perfect for this kind of movie…Anna Hutchison is Jules, the pretty, sexy blond who loves to party…Kristen Connolly is Dana, the virgin…Chris Hemsworth, (Mr. Thor) is Curt, the good looking/eye candy dude…Fran Kranz is Marty, the pot smoking, paranoid, guy without a date and finally, there’s Jessie Williams as Holden, the hot intellectual who can read.

I gave ‘The Cabin In The Woods’ 4 bagels out of 5…John, who created one of the great horror films of the 20th century (Faces Of Death) turns out not to be a big fan of this genre, afterall.  Now that’s irony.

Check out our video to see John scare me and to find out his thoughts.

‘The Cabin In The Woods’ opens in theatres April the 13th, which happens to be a Friday.  Do not miss it.

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April 12, 2012 | 3:32 pm

‘The Three Stooges’ Movie Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

First I must say, that I have never been a fan of ‘The Three Stooges’...never watched their tv show way back when or understood their appeal.  Slapstick, over the top comedy has never been my thing.

So you can imagine how much I was dreading seeing the Farrelly Brothers new film ‘The Three Stooges’.  Well guess what?  To my surprise…I absolutely loved it and I LMAO.

This has a lot to do with the three actors portraying these guys. Moe (Chris Diamantopoulos) Larry (Sean Hayes) and Curly (Will Sasso) are absolutely spot on in bring these iconic characters to life.

Yes, the humor is campy, silly, but it’s funny.

Briefly, the film is broken down into three episodes/acts.  The story (as if it matters) is about three babies who are left on the doorstep of any orphanage run by nuns.

The newborns Moe, Larry and Curly grow up finger-poking, nyuk-nyuk-nuyking and woo-wooing their way to adulthood.

When they find out that the orphanage is on the verge of being closed down due to financial problems, the guys set off into the world to find the necessary cash ($800 million plus) to save the only home they’ve ever known.

What happens next is all very nonsensical and you just have to go with it.

The film was written by Peter and Bobby Farrelly along with their boyhood friend Mike Cerrone (‘Me, Myself & Irene’) and to get an idea of some of the humor…

Larry David (Steinfeld) plays Sister Mary-Mengele, Jennifer Hudson is a singing nun, Jane Lynch (Glee) is a sweet nun, Sofia Vergara is trying to get her rich husband knocked off, and the cast of ‘Jersey Shore’ is…well…the cast of Jersey Shore…

‘The Three Stooges’ is a blast from the past and it’s also a blast for the present.  I gave this movie 4 out of 5 bagels and John was close behind.  Check out our video to see his score and a few other things.

‘The Three Stooges’ opens in theatres Friday April 13th.  Don’t miss it.

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