June 21, 2012 | 9:51 pm

Review: ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

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Most of the time, when you see a film, after you’ve read the book, you feel let down. The movie usually pales in comparison to the novel.

I am happy to report this isn’t the case with ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ .

The film, shot in 3D and directed by Timur Bekmambetov (I’ve never heard of him either) is entertaining, exciting, clever and total fun.

We meet Abe Lincoln as a boy…a happy carefree boy, until one dark and stormy night, his mother is bitten by a vampire and dies. Years later, the same fate takes his dad.

Lincoln is pissed…All he wants his vengence…Translation: To kill every single vampire on planet earth…give or take one or two.

Now this proves problematic, since vampires are stronger, and faster than us humans…Plus they can fly, as well as disappear, which makes them really, really difficult to destroy.

But that doesn’t stop our young Abe. He practices and practices and eventually it pays off. Let’s just say, this is one dude that knows what to do with an ax.

We follow him into adulthood. Abe gets a job as a clerk in a General Store and then one day…

He meets a mysterious man, named Henry Sturges (Dominic Cooper) Henry hates vampires as much as Lincoln does and agrees to train him. Soon, Abe becomes…one kick-ass vampire hunter.

Because of his hatred of slavery, Lincoln gets into politics to abolish it and in case one or two of you weren’t paying attention in history class…becomes the 16th President of the U.S.

Lincoln also falls in love and marries the beautiful Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and for a while, gives up hunting. You can’t blame him, running a country does take up a lot of ones time.

Of course, due to various circumstances, Abe’s need for vengence come back stronger than ever. And this time, he has the whole Northern army behind him.

‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ was written by Seth Grahame-Smith, who also wrote the novel. The film has the feel of a comic book/graphic novel…with Lincoln as a Super-Hero.

By the way, these vampires are nothing like the hot, sexy dudes in ‘True Blood’ or ‘The Vampire Dairies’. These bloodsuckers have long, sharp, pointy teeth and when they opened their big mouths, I jumped out of my seat more than once.

I gave ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’, which opens in theatres, Friday June 22, 2012, 4 bagels out of 5 because I thoroughly enjoyed this twist on history.

Check out our video to see John’s rating and his throughts…The guy actually liked it.

June 20, 2012 | 2:00 pm

Review: ‘To Rome With Love’

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

Last year, one of my top 3 favorite films was Woody Allen’s ‘Midnight In Paris’...an exquisite homage to the magical city of lights.

Now, I’m happy to report, Woody has done it again with ‘To Rome With Love’.

He’s written and directed a quirky, satirical, funny, and beautiful film about the people who visit, live, work, fall in love and get lost in this enchanting, eternal city.

We meet famed architect, John (Alex Baldwin) who lived in Rome in his youth, and is now vacationing there.
Walking the streets of Rome, he meets a young architect student, Jack (Jessie Eisenberg) a young man, not unlike himself. As he watches Jack fall heard over heels for Monica (Ellen Page) his girlfriend, Sally’s (Greta Gerwig) dazzling, narcissistic actress friend, John relives one of his most romantically painful episodes of his own life.

Then there’s Hayley (Alison Pill) who introduces her dad Jerry (Woody Allen) a kvetching, retired Opera director and her psychiatrist mom, Phyllis (Judy Davis) to her Italian fiancee, Michaelangelo (Flavio Parenti) and his family…

When Jerry hears her father, Giancarlo (renowned tenor Fabio Armiliato) an undertaker, sing arias in the shower. Jerry clutches at the opportunity to promote Giancarlo and rejuvenate his own career.

There’s also a comic, biting, insightful story about, the price of fame, when Leopoldo (Roberto Benigni) becomes famous for…absolutely nothing.

And lastly, we meet Antonio (Alessandro Tiberi) and his new wife Milly (Alessandra Mastronardi) who have come to Rome so he can take an upscale big city job with his wealthy uncle’s law firm.

Through a series of very funny events, Antonio winds up passing off high class hooker (Penelope Cruz) as his wife and Milly gets to be romanced by a legendary movie star, Luca Salta (Antonio Albanese)

All of these people, before the film ends, will have their lives changed forever and you will leave the theatre smiling. I know I did and for that reason, I gave ‘To Rome With Love’ which opens in theatres Friday, June 22, 2012 4 1/2 bagels out of 5.

 

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June 19, 2012 | 12:07 am

Review: ‘Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World’

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

First, the perks about knowing that planet Earth will no longer exist in 21 days…

At the office, every day is now casual Friday…You can have mindless sex without worrying about disease or incest and…when asked, ‘What are you doing the rest of your life’, you can respond in one sentence or less.

That’s right folks, it’s another ‘end of days’ movie…There were several of them in 2011 as you know.  Hope someone isn’t trying to tell us something…

In this new, farewell to Mother earth film, Matilda, a 70 mile asteroid, is headed toward our planet and we have just three weeks to do…whatever the hell we want to do…before it’s all over.

Of course, for Dodge (Steve Carell) an insurance salesman, who’s spent his whole life playing it safe, that means…having some ‘me’ time, trying to fire his cleaning lady and thinking about all the women that got away…including his wife…who just left him.

His neighbor, Penny on the other hand, a spontaneous, extroverted, free spirit seems to be spending her last weeks on earth, fighting with her boyfriend (Adam Brody) and crying over not being able to join her family in England..

‘Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World’, written and directed by Lorene Scafaria (‘Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist’) is a funny, disturbing and touching film, about ordinary people dealing with…an extraordinary situation….

Dodge expects to spend the next three weeks alone in his apartment, but then two very unexpected things happen…

He winds up rescuing a dog and Penny knocks on his door with a lost letter…A letter that could alter Dodge’s future: It’s from his high-school sweetheart, Olivia, the love of his life.

When a riot breaks out around their apartment building, Dodge realizes that he must seek Olivia out before it’s too late, while Penny makes the decision to somehow return home across the seas.

Dodge promises to help Penny, (seems he knows a guy with a plane)if she’ll take him in her car to see Olivia.  She agrees and off they go…Yes the dog is with them.

On the road, this odd ball couple go on a journey…a physical as well as an emotional one.

They share their personal history with each other…visit old friends…and spend time with people who all have their own unique way of handling this once in a lifetime event. 

‘Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World’ is about the importance of human connection…How we can handle anything, if we have someone special to share it with…Even the end of the world.

I loved this film and gave it 4 bagels out of 5. I thought about it long after I left the theatre and you will too.

Check out our video to meet our four legged star, Mango, hear John’s thoughts, more of mine and to find out his bagel rating.

‘Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World’ opens in theatres, Friday June 22, 2012.

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June 15, 2012 | 6:10 pm

‘Rock Of Ages’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

Sometimes, a good actor can make a bad movie worth watching. Sometimes a bad actor, can make a bad film…Really unwatchable.

That is definitely the case with ‘Rock Of Ages’ directed by Adam Shankman (Hairspray).

Julianne Hough is a great dancer, but when it comes to acting and singing, not very good. The chick is bland and just plain boring…And…

Unfortunately, so is her co-star…Diego Boneta. Granted he has a good voice, but he doesn’t come across much better in the charisma department.

Of course, they’re not the only problem with this film. ‘Rock Of Ages’ written by Justin Therous, Chris D’Arienzo and Allan Loeb is based on D’Arienzo’s Broadway musical of the same name.

This type of musical falls into the category of a ‘Juke Box Musical’...It’s all about the music…The dialogue, the plot, the struture…falls to the wayside.

Okay, here are the clift notes…

Boy, Drew (Diego) meets girl, Sherrie (Julianne)...They’ve come to the bright lights of the Sunset Strip to make it big in the music biz…And before you can say…‘We Built This City On Rock And Roll’...the two of them, fall in love.

You know they are in love, because every 5 seconds, they sing about it, while Julianne’s hair blows in the wind.

Okay, now all this is taking place at The Burbon Room, owned by Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand. It’s here that musicians go to get discovered and hot chicks go…to party and nail, whoever.

Catherine Zeta Jones and her hubby the Mayor, Bryan Cranston want to shut the club down because…they sing about it.

Moving along…After looking into each other’s eyes and breaking into song for the first 80 minutes…Drew mistakenly thinks Sherri and burnt out rock and roll super star Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise) have had sex.

By the way Mr. Cruise kills in the part. Plus he has a four range octave and sings his ass off…One of his best performances in a long time.

Okay, so our couple breaks up…Sherri gets work as a stripper. where for some reason. Mary J. Blige hangs out…

Drew takes the advice of his sleezy manager, Paul Giamatti, gives up Rock and roll to become a white rapper in a Boy Band…

What happens next? Well believe me, I doubt at this point, you’ll even care. All I wanted was everyone to stop singing.

My recommendation: if you’re into music from the 80’s, skip ‘Rock Of Ages’ which opens Friday, June 15, 2012 and instead, download the songs from I tunes.

Check out our funny video to hear me sing and to see John’s bagel rating.

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June 14, 2012 | 12:28 am

‘That’s My Boy’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

First the good news:  ‘That’s My Boy’ directed by Sean Anders, has one of the funniest opening scenes of any Adam Sandler film I’ve seen in a really long time.

The year is 1984…13 year old Donnie Berger, (an excellent Justin Weaver) rises to fame after a hot affair with his gorgeous, super sexy math teacher, Mary McGarricle, (Eva Amurri Martino).

Donnie winds up making six figures for his life story, becomes a national hero and even gets on the cover of Tiger Beat, the premier teen magazine..  Life couldn’t be better for our young stud. 

However, life turns out slightly different for his baby-mama.  That’s right, the potent Donnie, impregnates Ms. Mary…and she winds up getting sent to prison for 30 years.

Donnie gets custody of his son, whom he names Hans Solo, and raises him…badly…for 18 years.

Which brings us to the present…25 years after Donnie’s five minutes of fame, we find him broke, owing the IRS $42,000 and he’s about to be sent to jail for tax evasion. What is a talentless, loser to do?

Crash his son’s wedding of course.

Randy Morgan (Dan Patrick) a sleezy reality producer promises Donnie $50 grand if he can arrange a reunion between himself, his son and McGarricle, who’s still in the joint and…now looks a lot like Susan Sarandon.

This could be a big problem since…

Hans,  has since changed his name to Todd, is a super successful business man, and hasn’t seen Donnie in almost ten years.  He tells everyone that his parents died in an explosion.  Also…

Todd is about to be married to a beautiful, controlling gold digger, named Jamie (Leighton Meester) and thanks to her charms… 

Todd’s boss, Steve (Tony Orlando) has graciously invited the whole wedding party to his estate for a weekend of celebration before the big date. 

Okay, so…

Donnie shows up, pretends to be his son’s long time friend and much to Todd’s chagrin…winds up the STAR of the weekend.

Everyone, including Steve’s elderly, but still horny grandma, as well as, Jamie’s straight parents (Will Forte, Rachel Dratch) and her weirdly weird Marine brother, Chad (Milo Ventimiglia)...love him.

‘That’s My Boy’ is filled with outrageous, raunchy, over the top humor…At times, the film is actually funny, in a sophmoric kind of a way…other times it’s silly, but most of the time…It’s really, really stupid.

There is something for everyone:  Lots of penis jokes, nudity, sex with the elderly, sex with relatives, sex with stripers…You get the idea.

Humor is subjective and I guess, in the end, Sandler’s humor just doesn’t appeal to me.  For that reason, I gave ‘That’s My Boy’ which opens in theatres, June 15, 2012, only 2 1/2 bagels out of 5.

Check out our video to see John’s thoughts and his bagel rating.

 

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June 3, 2012 | 11:31 pm

‘Prometheus’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

What if you had the chance to meet the people who created you…And by you…I mean the human race. Could you resist such an opportunity?

Two brilliant scientists, the intense, religious Dr. Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and the very unspiritual Dr. Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) certainly can’t.

Not after they discover a series of cave paintings, that turn out to be a star map, left by several ancient Earth civilizations, that points to the same location in distant space. They believe that they found the planet that is home to the engineers of the human race. And Shaw and Holloway are determined to pay them a visit.

Luckily, the scientists are able to get the backing of a wealthy, visionary, Peter Weyland (an unreconizable Guy Pearce) head of Weyland Industries.

We meet the super old, Mr. W. as a hologram and not wanting to give too much away, that’s all I’ll say about him…Except for the fact, that he arranges for his ice princess daughter, Vickers (Charlize Theron) to head up the mission.

Now what would the prequel to ‘Alien’ be without an android.

This time his name is David (Michael Fassbender) and just like in the 1979 film, he’s cold, calculating, childlike and personally, I think a bit of a pervert.

For example…While the crew is in stasis, David passes the time rumaging through the mind of Dr. Shaw. Okay, he also watches the film ‘Lawrence Of Arabia’ over and over again so he can learn to mimic Peter O’Toole’s voice.

So after a two year sleep, our space travelers, which include Jarek (Idris Elba) a no nonsense captain wake up and arrive on the planet of our creators. And…

Let’s just say they’re in for a lot of surprises…Most of them are terrifying, twisted, dark and occasionally, super gross. Oh and there’s a good chance that mankind might get obilterated.

‘Prometheus’ shot in 3D is directed by the 74 year young, Sir Ridley Scott and he’s put together a film that is exciting, visually stunning and scary as hell…A film you’ll remember long after the credits roll.

I absolutely loved ‘Prometheus which opens in theatres Friday June 8, 2012 and gave it 4 1/2 bagels out of 5.

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May 31, 2012 | 3:18 pm

‘Snow White And The Huntsman’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

Okay folks, ‘Snow White’ is back and this time, she’s mad as hell and ready to kick some butt.

First off, I must ask…Did we really need two films this year about Miss White? Personally, I think one was too many.

In any case, ‘Snow White And The Huntsman’ directed by Rupert Sanders, stars Kristen Stewart as Snow, Charlize Theron, as the super evil Queen, Ravenna and Chris Helmsworth as the hunky Huntsman.

We all know the story, so I’ll be brief…

Ravenna feeds on the souls of virgins in order to maintain her youthful glow…Guess she never heard about Botox. After she kills off her hubby, the King, she locks Snow White up in a damp, dingy, dreadful basement and basically makes her subjects extremely unhappy.

One day, Ravenna’s creepy brother, Finn (Sam Spruell) drops in on Snow and it’s not for conversation. When he tries to put the moves on her, Snow stabs him and escapes…Right into the…

Dark Forest, where all kinds of nasty creatures await…

Meanwhile, back at the palace, the raging Ravenna consults with her mirror…

The mirror oozes this gold liquid which morphs into some sort of weird figure, who sounds very much like Darth Vader. He tells Ravenna that the only way she obtain immortality, is to eat Snow’s heart. Ravenna, not being a vegan, has absolutely no problem with this.

Now, Ravenna’s powers don’t work in the Dark Forest she sends The Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) after her. In all fairness, at first he balks at the assignment. But when Ravenna promises to bring back his dead wife, The Huntsman agrees…and…

We all know what happens when a goodlooking guy goes after a hot chick. He falls in love with her of course. So instead of killing Snow…the Huntsman saves her and together…and with the help of…the dwarfts, who are in no particular order…

Ian McShane, Ray Winstone, Bob Hoskins, Nick Frost and Eddie Marsan, Johnny Harris, Brian Gleeson and Toby Jones as well as an old family friend, the handsome Prince (Sam Claflin) they all band together to take down Ravenna and restore the Kingdom to its glory days.

My problem with the film is that it takes itself way too seriously. It completely lacks humor.

Charlize Theron, who is one of my favorite actresses, is way over the top. Kristen Stewart who is not one of my favorite actresses, is very bland and lacks chemistry with the two male leads.

Plus the film has several different styles going on and suffers from the…It doesn’t know what it wants to be…syndrome.

With that said, I gave ‘Snow White And The Huntsman’ 3 bagels out of 5. The film opens in theatres Friday, June 1, 2012. Check out our video to see John’s thoughts and his rating.

 

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May 23, 2012 | 4:05 pm

Review: ‘Men In Black 3’

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

Okay people…They are back…

Those alien fighting dudes, in their black sport jackets, white shirts, skinny ties, shooting gadgets that can wipe your memory clean, faster than you can say ‘The Martians Are Coming’

Not only are they back, after a fifteen year absence, but…Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones) and Agent J (Will Smith) are better than ever. And that’s…

Thanks to director, Barry Sonnenfeld and the screenwriters, Etan Cohen, and David Koepp, based on the comic by Lowell Cunningham the third in the franchise

The plot, without giving too much away, involves…time travel, a super grotesque alien known as Boris The Animal (Jermaine Clement) who can shoot ugly deadly spider like creatures from his various orifices…

A super adorable fifth dimension alien (aren’t they all?) named Griffin (Michael Stulberg) who is able to see several different futures all at the same time…

Andy Warhol (Bill Hader) a younger Agent K (the wonderful Josh Brolin who does a killer imitation of Tommy Lee) Emma Thomas as the head of MIB, her younger self (Alice Eva) and all sorts of fun and at times…gross things.

On an aside…I don’t think I’ll eat Chinese food for a very long time.

Anyway, to summarize…Boris escapes from his maxim security prison on the moon and he’s really, really pissed. You can’t blame him. His race has been wiped out of existence, and thanks to Agent K, he’s been locked up for over 40 years. Now, he wants one thing…Well maybe two or three…

Travel back in time to 1969, kill Agent K and with the help of his peeps, invade earth.

Luckily for K, J will do anything and everything to stop this from happening. What are partners for, right?

‘Men In Black 3’ shot in 3D, is exciting, super funny, and has exciting action and effects. But what makes this film my favorite in the franchise is that the script focuses on the relationship between Agent K and Agent J and…there’s a really nice reveal toward the end.

By the way’ MIB3 like the first two, is filled with all kinds of important information including…All models are aliens and…Well, you just have to see this film, which opens in theatres May 25, 2012, to find out the rest.

I gave ‘Men In Black 3’ 4 bagels out of 5, Check out our video to see John’s bagel rating and to see him shoot a couple of aliens.

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