April 26, 2012 | 10:13 pm

‘Safe’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

Follow JewishJournal.com on

First off, I must say that there are some actors that I just enjoy watching…Doesn’t really matter all that much what they do up on the silver screen…I just like them…And Jason Statham is one of them.

Is he a great actor?  That’s yet to be determined, but he’s definitely an entertaining one.

In his new film ‘Safe’ written and directed by Boaz Yakin (‘Remember The Titans’) Statham is at the top of his game. He plays Luke Wright, an ex super cop, ex cage fighter, who’s at the lowest point in his life.  Luke’s wife has been murdered by the Russian mob and he is one step away from jumping off a subway platform into a moving train.

Seriously, he really is…until he spots a girl who looks like she’s in trouble.

The girl is ten year old Mei (Catherine Chan) and she happens to be a genius/math prodigy. Mei was kidnapped from her school in China and whisked off to New York City where she now resides with Triad boss, Han Jiao (James Hong).  The old dude doesn’t believe in computers and since Mei has a flawless memory, she becomes his human ledger. 

Unfortunately for Mei, the Russian mob know all about her awesome skills and they want her for themselves. So they wind up kidnapping her.  Wow, kidnapped twice in one movie.  That’s a record.

Okay, so the Russians have Mei…They want her to tell them about some number.  The little genius refuses to spill what she knows and when these goof balls aren’t looking, Mei escapes into the wild streets of Manhattan.

Oh, did I forget to mention…there’s also a bunch of crooked cops after her as well. 

It really sucks being popular.

Anyway, back to Mei, Luke and the subway platform…The Chinese and Russians are closing in on our girl fast…Luke, being the bad ass killing machine that he is…fights them all off, grabs Mei and…what follows are…

Incredible chase scenes, non stop violence, killer fight scenes, crashing cars, more killer fight scenes, as Luke struggles to keep Mei…safe.
Now don’t think that ‘Safe’ is all blood and guts…Well, basically it is, but…

There’s also some funny and sweet moments between Luke and Mei and that’s what added to the fun.

And yes, this film is fun and that’s why I gave it 3 1/2 bagels out of 5. 

Check out our video to see John’s rating…Hint…We seem to have a different idea about fun…at least when it comes to movies.

‘Safe’ opens in theatres Friday, April 27, 2012.

April 25, 2012 | 11:32 pm

‘The Five Year Engagement’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

Unlike John, the other half of the ‘Two Jews On Film, it doesn’t take a lot for me to enjoy a film…Basically, I want to care about the characters and their story.  And this brings me to my problem with…‘The Five Year Engagement’, directed by Nicholas Stoller (‘Get Him To The Greek’)  I just didn’t care.

Not only didn’t I care about the two lead characters, Tom (Jason Segel) and Violet (Emily Blunt) but they really, really annoyed me..

The film starts out promising. Tom, an up and coming chef in San Francisco, proposes rather romantically, to his British girlfriend, Violet. She happily accepts and…next thing we know…

There’s an engagement party, where we meet the couple’s parents, friends and Emily’s over emotional sister, Suzie (the very funny, Alison Brie).  Suzie’s toast to the happy couple is definitely the highlight of this film.

Anyway, Tom and Violet start to plan their wedding, set the date, etc…and all is wonderful in their world…Until…

Violet gets accepted at the University of Michigan to study and teach psychology.  Tom, being the nice guy that he is, agrees to leave San Fran and move to…you guessed it…

The wilds of…Michigan…Tom figures that he can get a chef job anywhere, right?...Hmm, not quite.  After being turned down by several upscale restaurants, Tom winds up working at a local deli, making sandwiches.

He’s not exactly…‘living the dream’  Violet, however…is.  She thrives while Tom goes downhill…fast.

Some of the highlights of his descent…Tom becomes a hunter…killing defenseless deer, while wearing really ugly sweaters, that his new friend, Chris Parnell, a stay at home dad, knits for him.  Our guy also grows a scraggly beard, raises bees, and makes mead.  Really???

So, the wedding date keeps getting postponed…over and over and over again.  At the same time, to Violet’s chagrin, her sister Suzie winds up marrying Tom’s best friend, fellow chef, Alex (Chris Pratt) and has babies and lots of hot sex.

Chris Pratt, by the way, plays the exact same character he portrays in his t.v. show ‘Parks and Recreation’.

Considering that Judd Apatow was the producer and I am a big fan of Segel, I really expected so much more from this romantic comedy.  There are some funny moments, but on the whole, I found it predictable and plodding.

‘The Five Year Engagement’ opens in theatres, April 27, 2012.  I gave it 2 bagels out of 5.

Check out our video to see John’s thoughts and his rating.  I’d wait for DVD.

1 Comments — Leave your comment

April 20, 2012 | 4:53 pm

‘Marley’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

The music of Bob Marley makes me feel really, really good.  I could be in the worst mood, stuck in traffic…Whatever…All I have to do is click on ‘One Love’, ‘Exodus’ or ‘No Woman No Cry’ and my spirits soar.

However, my knowledge of Bob Marley was limited.  I knew that he was a Rastafarian, a Jamaican legend and one incredible songwriter/singer. 

After seeing Kevin McDonald’s documentary entitled ‘Marley’ I am happy to report, that I now know so much more…about Marley, the man and why…he was and still is…one of the greatest musical icons of the 20th century.

Bob Marley brought regae and his Rastafarian lifestyle to the masses.  He became a mythical figure to the people of Jamaica and to many others around the world.  His music lifted and united all people and greatly influenced the politics of the time. We’re talking late 60’s, 70’s.

Marley was born in the mountains of Jamaica in 1945 to a black mother and white father he only met a couple of time.  Because of his mixed race, he was a victim of prejudice throughout his childhood.  It seems that was one of the reasons he became a Rastafarian…

Kevin McDonald, who won an Oscar for Best Documentary in 2000 (One Day In September) has put together, through a series of extensives interviews with Marley’s wife, children (Ziggy and Cedella), record producer, Chris Blackwell (Island Records) as well as Bunny Wailer, the last remaining member of Marley’s band, The Wailer’s…an in-depth picture of Marley’s life…What drove him and what was the source of his inspiration.

Marley’s enormous talent brought him international fame, love and adoration…Especially the latter.

He had one wife, Rita, but Bob certainly loved the ladies.  He fathered 11 children by several different women.  Hey, no one’s perfect.

The best part of this film though, is seeing Bob Marley in concert.  To say he was an extraordinary performer, doesn’t even come close.  If Marley was alive today, he’d definitely give ‘The Boss’ a run for his money.

Sadly of course, he’s not.  Bob Marley died from Melanoma in 1981 at the young age of 36.

My only criticism of the film, is its length…2 1/2 hours…It could have been trimmed by at least 30 or 40 minutes…Having said that, I still whole heartedly recommend ‘Marley’ to anyone who loves music, regae and of course…Bob Marley.

I gave ‘Marley’ which opens in theatres April 20, 2012, 4 bagels out of 5…As usual, John disagrees with my rating.

1 Comments — Leave your comment

April 12, 2012 | 11:38 pm

‘The Cabin In The Woods’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

‘The Cabin In The Woods’, written by Joss Whedon (Buffy The Vampire Slayer & Avengers) and Drew Goddard (Cloverfield) who also directed, is one of the most clever horror films I’ve seen in a really long time.

Okay, without giving too much away, here’s the scenerio…Five friends go to a remote cabin in the woods and really horrible things start to happen to them. 

But trust me…It’s not what you think…or what you’ve come to expect from your classic horror film….

Because the friends are being watched…and…manipulated by a group of guys and gals in a control room,  led by Bradley Whitford and Richard Jenkins.

And when you, the audience, find out why these group of weirdos are doing all this controlling…well, for me it was not only the highlight of the film, but it confirmed the fact that I was watching a movie that was a true…original.

‘The Cabin In The Woods’  turns the horror genre on its head…The film is a satire as well as a homage to some of the great scary movies from the past…Sam Raimi’s ‘Evil Dead’, Dario Argento’s ‘Suspira’ as well as those creepy Japanese ghost stories, that I’m addicted to, even though they keep me up all night.

The the cast is perfect for this kind of movie…Anna Hutchison is Jules, the pretty, sexy blond who loves to party…Kristen Connolly is Dana, the virgin…Chris Hemsworth, (Mr. Thor) is Curt, the good looking/eye candy dude…Fran Kranz is Marty, the pot smoking, paranoid, guy without a date and finally, there’s Jessie Williams as Holden, the hot intellectual who can read.

I gave ‘The Cabin In The Woods’ 4 bagels out of 5…John, who created one of the great horror films of the 20th century (Faces Of Death) turns out not to be a big fan of this genre, afterall.  Now that’s irony.

Check out our video to see John scare me and to find out his thoughts.

‘The Cabin In The Woods’ opens in theatres April the 13th, which happens to be a Friday.  Do not miss it.

1 Comments — Leave your comment

April 12, 2012 | 3:32 pm

‘The Three Stooges’ Movie Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

First I must say, that I have never been a fan of ‘The Three Stooges’...never watched their tv show way back when or understood their appeal.  Slapstick, over the top comedy has never been my thing.

So you can imagine how much I was dreading seeing the Farrelly Brothers new film ‘The Three Stooges’.  Well guess what?  To my surprise…I absolutely loved it and I LMAO.

This has a lot to do with the three actors portraying these guys. Moe (Chris Diamantopoulos) Larry (Sean Hayes) and Curly (Will Sasso) are absolutely spot on in bring these iconic characters to life.

Yes, the humor is campy, silly, but it’s funny.

Briefly, the film is broken down into three episodes/acts.  The story (as if it matters) is about three babies who are left on the doorstep of any orphanage run by nuns.

The newborns Moe, Larry and Curly grow up finger-poking, nyuk-nyuk-nuyking and woo-wooing their way to adulthood.

When they find out that the orphanage is on the verge of being closed down due to financial problems, the guys set off into the world to find the necessary cash ($800 million plus) to save the only home they’ve ever known.

What happens next is all very nonsensical and you just have to go with it.

The film was written by Peter and Bobby Farrelly along with their boyhood friend Mike Cerrone (‘Me, Myself & Irene’) and to get an idea of some of the humor…

Larry David (Steinfeld) plays Sister Mary-Mengele, Jennifer Hudson is a singing nun, Jane Lynch (Glee) is a sweet nun, Sofia Vergara is trying to get her rich husband knocked off, and the cast of ‘Jersey Shore’ is…well…the cast of Jersey Shore…

‘The Three Stooges’ is a blast from the past and it’s also a blast for the present.  I gave this movie 4 out of 5 bagels and John was close behind.  Check out our video to see his score and a few other things.

‘The Three Stooges’ opens in theatres Friday April 13th.  Don’t miss it.

4 Comments — Leave your comment

April 10, 2012 | 6:21 pm

‘Wrath Of The Titans’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

Wrath Of The Titans, Movie Review
By Joan Alperin Schwartz
So what’s a demigod to do when all he wants, is to live a quiet life with his son, and do a little fishing, but his daddy has other plans for him?

That’s the predicament Perseus (Sam Worthington) finds himself in, when a war breaks out among the gods. Families…Can’t live with them…Can’t live without them.

Seems Perseus father, Zeus (Liam Neeson) has been kidnapped by his brothers Hades (Ralph Fiennes) and Poseidon (Danny Huston) and he’s being held captive in the underworld, where his bad ass dad, Kronos, is sucking the life out of him.

To make matters worse, us humans, being the fickle creatures that we are, have lost interest in the gods causing them to lose their power….Sort of what happened with the t.v. show ‘Desperate Housewives’.

Anyway, if Perseus doesn’t help rescue Daddy Zeus, all hell will be unleased on earth. We’re talking…when monsters attack…and these are some really ugly monsters, with way to many arms and extremely bad breath.

Luckily Perseus has Poseidon’s half son, fellow demigod, Agenor (Toby Kebbell) along with warrior Queen Andromeda (Rosamund Pike) to help him on his quest to save big daddy.

Along the way, our little group meets up with the fallen god, Hephaestus (Bill Nighy) and a few gigantic Cyclops with major anger issues.

Basically in my opinion, this film plays out like one long video game. There are obstacles to overcome, creatures to defeat, mazes that need to be manuevered and…well, you get the idea.

Some of the 3D effects are pretty cool and even though I haven’t seen the first film, ‘Clash Of The Titans’, I’ve heard that this one is supposedly better.

‘Wrath Of The Titans’ was directed by Jonathan Liebesman, the same dude who directed ‘Battle LA’, another film I wasn’t crazy about either.

This movie opens in theatres Friday, March 30, 2012. I gave it 2 bagels out of 5.

 

0 Comments — Leave your comment

April 10, 2012 | 6:15 pm

‘American Reunion’ ‘Two Jews On Film’ Agree You Can’t Go Home Again

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

By Joan Alperin Schwartz

The film ‘American Pie’ was and is a classic.

For those of you unfamiliar with the story, ‘American Pie’ is about four guys, from East Great Falls Michigan, that are on a quest…to lose their virginity before they graduate high school.

I can still remember sitting in the theatre LMAO watching the escapades of these 17 year olds desperately trying to score. The film went on to make zillions of dollars and of course spawned several sequels…Which brings me to…

‘American Reunion’...the latest in the franchise. The film was written and directed by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg (Harold and Kumar) and unfortunately, except for 3 times, I did not LMAO.

The film takes place ten years after the gang graduated from high school. They’ve come back to their home town for their 10 year high school reunion…and we soon discover, that none of their lives have turned out the way they expected…Never saw that in a film before.

Okay, so in case you’ve forgotten who our guys are, briefly, in no particular order…We have…

Jim Levenstein, (Jason Bigg), the penis in the pie guy, who’s now married to band girl Michelle (Alyson Hannigan) They have a two year old son and don’t have any time for sex…Guess the kid never sleeps.

Ostreicher/Oz (Chris Klein), the goodlooking jock, really has it rough. He’s a big time television sportscaster and is forced to live in a gorgeous house with a super hot girl that looks great in a thong.

Kevin, (Thomas Ian Nicholas) now an architect/stay at home dad, also has it bad. His beautiful wife makes dates with him to watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and parts beyond.

Finch, ( Eddie Kaye Thomas) the clean freak, who had sex with Stiffler’s mom, supposedly has been travelling all around the world and of course, last but not least…

Stifler/Stifmeister (Seann William Scott) the over the top obnoxious, crazy dude, who is still, an over the top obnoxious, crazy dude. He still lives with his big breasted mom (Jennifer Coolidge) except now he has a job working for a very short man with an extremely huge ego.

So all these guys along with all the ladies from ‘American Pie’ including…Tara Reed, Shannon Elizabeth, Natasha Lyonne, Mena Survari, meet up to party like it’s 1999.

Along the way, we have lots of crude jokes, nudity, a penis or two, a little sex, a few jokes that really work, many jokes and bits that really, really don’t work…and an ending (don’t worry I’m not spoiling it) where…

Our guys and girls come to realize that their lives don’t really suck and what matters most is…Ready?...Friendship…

The best part of ‘American Reunion’ is Eugene Levy as Jim’s dad. He is one funny dude. Watching him reminds me what this film could have been, but isn’t. Stay past the end credits to see a very funny bit involving him.

As I said in our video, I laughed hard three times so for that reason I am giving ‘American Reunion’ 2 1/2 bagels out of 5. Check out our video to see John’s thoughts on the film and well…life.

‘American Reunion’ opens in theatres Friday, April 6, 2012. Personally I’d wait for the DVD.

0 Comments — Leave your comment

April 10, 2012 | 6:09 pm

Two Jews On Mirror Mirror

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

By Joan Alperin Schwartz

Mirror, mirror on the wall…Who’s the fairest Of Us All?

The answer to that question, is definitely Miss Julia Roberts, who plays Snow White’s (Lily Collins) evil stepmother/queen, in director Tarsem Singh’s new film, ‘Mirror Mirror’.

Ms Roberts absolutely nails the part.

In fact, she is the only reason, to see this remake of the classic fairytale, but she is one good enough reason. I think this is one of her best performances in a long time.

For those of you not familiar with the story…Yes, it is possible…Snow White’s daddy, the king (Sean Bean) disappeared one dark and stormy night…maybe it snowed, but in any case, he was never seen or heard from again…

The king’s wife, aka the evil one, has been ruling the land ever since and, has all but destroyed the kingdom and its people.

You see, Miss Queenie is your basic narcissist…obssessed with her looks and size 2 figure. I’m sure we’ve all run into that type once or twice…

She’s also verbally abusive to Snow, who really doesn’t seemed all that bothered by it…until…

Snow finds out that the Queen, has bled the people dry, by taxing them to the hilt. Hey, spider venom is expensive…and this Queen needs a ton of it.

Okay, so Snow, unbeknownst to the Queen, sneaks out of the palace and heads for town. Miss White wants to see for herself how bad things really are.

Well as fate would have it, Snow runs into…none other than…Prince Charming…(aren’t they all).

And of course, she meets…The Seven Dwarfs…but they’re no longer the seven little guys we’ve come to know and love. For some reason, they’ve been renamed…Gone are Happy, Dopey, Sleepy, Mopey…etc…They’ve been replaced by…Grimm, Napoleon, Pint-size, Butcher, Chuckles, Grub and Wolf…If you stay past the credits, you will find out why…

Does this new take on ‘Snow White’ work? Yes and no…Visually it’s beautiful…Loved the sets and the costumes.

Armie Hammer as Prince Charming is…charming…Nathan Lane as Brighton, the Queen’s punching bag man-servant is fine…Nathan does Nathan and that’s always enjoyable.

Lily Collins (daughter of Phil) is slightly bland as Snow. I would have liked her to bring some quirkness to the part.

‘Mirror Mirror’ is a bit edgier and hipper but unfortunately it misses being a ‘Shriek’ or even a ‘Princess Bridge’.

However, the film is still fun and at times funny. So if you have kids, are a kid, have a kid inside of you, then ‘Mirror Mirror’ which opens in theatres Friday, March 30, 2012, is the perfect movie to see this weekend.

0 Comments — Leave your comment