June 27, 2012 | 7:04 pm

Review: ‘The Amazing Spider-Man’

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

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‘The Amazing Spider-Man, shot in 3D and directed by Mark Webb (500 Days Of Summer) is an edgy, emotional, action-packed, at times, boring movie.  Yes I did use the ‘b’ word.

In this version, which is definitely in my opinion, an improvement over all the preceding ‘Spider-Man films, we meet Peter Parker (Max Charles) as a young boy.

His father (Campbell Scott), a renowned scientist and his mother, fearing that they’re in danger, leave their young son in the care of his Uncle Ben (Martin Sheen) and Aunt May (Sally Field).

We flash forward years later where Peter (Andrew Garfield) is now a skateboarder/science nerd/photographer filled with major teenage angst.  He’s an outcast in school and is constantly getting picked on by the jocks.  His only friend is the gorgeous Gwen (Emma Stone), so you can’t feel too sorry for the guy.

But Peter’s life is about to change…Just in case there’s still a few of you unfamiliar with Parker’s story…He finds one of his dad’s old research papers, which sends him to the lab of Dr. Curt Connors (Rhys Ifans), Parker Sr’s former partner. Connors has been trying for years to find a way to grow body parts, performing some really weird experiments that could prove hazardous to humans.  You can’t really blame him since, the dude has only one and a half arms.

At the lab, Peter gets bitten by a genetically altered spider and well, the rest is history.

Watching Peter getting use to his powers is actually one of the more entertaining aspects of the film…That is, until he meets his nemesis…Not wanting to spoil anything, I’ll just call him…A VERY BIG ANGRY GREEN LIZARD MAN…

Unfortunately, the action doesn’t come until the last 40 minutes of the film and watching Peter’s awkwardness with Gwen, becomes grating after a while.

But having said that, if you are a fan of this genre, ‘The Amazing Spider-Man’ is definitely a ‘must see’ for you.

The special effects are great and I liked Andrew Garfield quite a lot as the high-flying/jumping/crime fighting/flawed super hero.

It’s for that reason I gave ‘The Amazing Spider-Man’ which opens in theatres, Tuesday, July 3rd, 2012…4 bagels out of 5.

Check out our video for John’s rating and more of our bantering.  Oh, and to meet Noodle, our Diva Japanese Chin..

 

June 26, 2012 | 6:12 pm

Review: ‘Ted’

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

I love talking animals and I have to admit, I own quite a few.  Granted they’re stuffed with a vocabulary of not more than 10 words…which definitely doesn’t even come close to the vocabulary of ‘Teddy’, the foul mouth, boozing, pot smoking, oversexed bear.

Teddy, is one of the stars of Seth McFarland’s new film…‘Ted’.  McFarland, for those of you who aren’t into animated tv shows, is the creator of ‘Family Guy’ and ‘The Cleveland Show’

And just like these edgy sitcoms, ‘Ted’ is hysterically funny, outrageous and wonderfully politically incorrect.

When the film opens, we meet John, a lonely, awkard 8 year old, who is given a teddy bear for Xmas.  Before he goes to sleep,  John makes a wish for Teddy to be alive so he can have a real friend for life.

Come morning, Teddy is not only alive, but he walks, talk, eats and becomes an overnight star…Even making an appearance on the Johnny Carson show.

Well, we all know what happens to childhood stars (think Cory Feldman).  They grow up and fade away and that’s exactly what happens to Teddy.

Flash forward 20 years.  John (Mark Wahlberg) is 35 and still lives with Teddy.  They spend their time smoking pot, drinking and watching reruns of their favorite t.v. show ‘Flash Gordon’.

John works in a rental car company while Teddy lounges around the house getting wasted.  He couldn’t be happier…

Unfortunately, for him…things are soon about to change…

Lori (Mila Kunis) John’s super gorgeous, super sweet girlfriend has reached her boiling point.  She wants John to grow up and get serious about their relationship….which means…

John is going to have to make a choice…Lori or Teddy.

This leads to a series of events that involve a kidnapping, a concert, a break-up and a great deal of LOL moments.

‘Ted’ which has a great supporting cast, including…Giovanni Ribisi, Alden Minchi, Jennifer Barth, Sam T. Jones (Flash Gordon) Norah Jones and a surprising cameo by Ryan Reynolds is one of the most entertaining, original comedies I’ve seen this year.

It’s a must see and that’s why I gave this film, which opens Friday, June 29th, 2012…  4 bagels out of 5…   

Check out our video to see our surprise guest (Hint: Ted’s new girlfriend) and John’s surprising ‘bagel’ score.

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June 21, 2012 | 9:51 pm

Review: ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

Most of the time, when you see a film, after you’ve read the book, you feel let down. The movie usually pales in comparison to the novel.

I am happy to report this isn’t the case with ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ .

The film, shot in 3D and directed by Timur Bekmambetov (I’ve never heard of him either) is entertaining, exciting, clever and total fun.

We meet Abe Lincoln as a boy…a happy carefree boy, until one dark and stormy night, his mother is bitten by a vampire and dies. Years later, the same fate takes his dad.

Lincoln is pissed…All he wants his vengence…Translation: To kill every single vampire on planet earth…give or take one or two.

Now this proves problematic, since vampires are stronger, and faster than us humans…Plus they can fly, as well as disappear, which makes them really, really difficult to destroy.

But that doesn’t stop our young Abe. He practices and practices and eventually it pays off. Let’s just say, this is one dude that knows what to do with an ax.

We follow him into adulthood. Abe gets a job as a clerk in a General Store and then one day…

He meets a mysterious man, named Henry Sturges (Dominic Cooper) Henry hates vampires as much as Lincoln does and agrees to train him. Soon, Abe becomes…one kick-ass vampire hunter.

Because of his hatred of slavery, Lincoln gets into politics to abolish it and in case one or two of you weren’t paying attention in history class…becomes the 16th President of the U.S.

Lincoln also falls in love and marries the beautiful Mary Todd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and for a while, gives up hunting. You can’t blame him, running a country does take up a lot of ones time.

Of course, due to various circumstances, Abe’s need for vengence come back stronger than ever. And this time, he has the whole Northern army behind him.

‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ was written by Seth Grahame-Smith, who also wrote the novel. The film has the feel of a comic book/graphic novel…with Lincoln as a Super-Hero.

By the way, these vampires are nothing like the hot, sexy dudes in ‘True Blood’ or ‘The Vampire Dairies’. These bloodsuckers have long, sharp, pointy teeth and when they opened their big mouths, I jumped out of my seat more than once.

I gave ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’, which opens in theatres, Friday June 22, 2012, 4 bagels out of 5 because I thoroughly enjoyed this twist on history.

Check out our video to see John’s rating and his throughts…The guy actually liked it.

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June 20, 2012 | 2:00 pm

Review: ‘To Rome With Love’

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

Last year, one of my top 3 favorite films was Woody Allen’s ‘Midnight In Paris’...an exquisite homage to the magical city of lights.

Now, I’m happy to report, Woody has done it again with ‘To Rome With Love’.

He’s written and directed a quirky, satirical, funny, and beautiful film about the people who visit, live, work, fall in love and get lost in this enchanting, eternal city.

We meet famed architect, John (Alex Baldwin) who lived in Rome in his youth, and is now vacationing there.
Walking the streets of Rome, he meets a young architect student, Jack (Jessie Eisenberg) a young man, not unlike himself. As he watches Jack fall heard over heels for Monica (Ellen Page) his girlfriend, Sally’s (Greta Gerwig) dazzling, narcissistic actress friend, John relives one of his most romantically painful episodes of his own life.

Then there’s Hayley (Alison Pill) who introduces her dad Jerry (Woody Allen) a kvetching, retired Opera director and her psychiatrist mom, Phyllis (Judy Davis) to her Italian fiancee, Michaelangelo (Flavio Parenti) and his family…

When Jerry hears her father, Giancarlo (renowned tenor Fabio Armiliato) an undertaker, sing arias in the shower. Jerry clutches at the opportunity to promote Giancarlo and rejuvenate his own career.

There’s also a comic, biting, insightful story about, the price of fame, when Leopoldo (Roberto Benigni) becomes famous for…absolutely nothing.

And lastly, we meet Antonio (Alessandro Tiberi) and his new wife Milly (Alessandra Mastronardi) who have come to Rome so he can take an upscale big city job with his wealthy uncle’s law firm.

Through a series of very funny events, Antonio winds up passing off high class hooker (Penelope Cruz) as his wife and Milly gets to be romanced by a legendary movie star, Luca Salta (Antonio Albanese)

All of these people, before the film ends, will have their lives changed forever and you will leave the theatre smiling. I know I did and for that reason, I gave ‘To Rome With Love’ which opens in theatres Friday, June 22, 2012 4 1/2 bagels out of 5.

 

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June 19, 2012 | 12:07 am

Review: ‘Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World’

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

First, the perks about knowing that planet Earth will no longer exist in 21 days…

At the office, every day is now casual Friday…You can have mindless sex without worrying about disease or incest and…when asked, ‘What are you doing the rest of your life’, you can respond in one sentence or less.

That’s right folks, it’s another ‘end of days’ movie…There were several of them in 2011 as you know.  Hope someone isn’t trying to tell us something…

In this new, farewell to Mother earth film, Matilda, a 70 mile asteroid, is headed toward our planet and we have just three weeks to do…whatever the hell we want to do…before it’s all over.

Of course, for Dodge (Steve Carell) an insurance salesman, who’s spent his whole life playing it safe, that means…having some ‘me’ time, trying to fire his cleaning lady and thinking about all the women that got away…including his wife…who just left him.

His neighbor, Penny on the other hand, a spontaneous, extroverted, free spirit seems to be spending her last weeks on earth, fighting with her boyfriend (Adam Brody) and crying over not being able to join her family in England..

‘Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World’, written and directed by Lorene Scafaria (‘Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist’) is a funny, disturbing and touching film, about ordinary people dealing with…an extraordinary situation….

Dodge expects to spend the next three weeks alone in his apartment, but then two very unexpected things happen…

He winds up rescuing a dog and Penny knocks on his door with a lost letter…A letter that could alter Dodge’s future: It’s from his high-school sweetheart, Olivia, the love of his life.

When a riot breaks out around their apartment building, Dodge realizes that he must seek Olivia out before it’s too late, while Penny makes the decision to somehow return home across the seas.

Dodge promises to help Penny, (seems he knows a guy with a plane)if she’ll take him in her car to see Olivia.  She agrees and off they go…Yes the dog is with them.

On the road, this odd ball couple go on a journey…a physical as well as an emotional one.

They share their personal history with each other…visit old friends…and spend time with people who all have their own unique way of handling this once in a lifetime event. 

‘Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World’ is about the importance of human connection…How we can handle anything, if we have someone special to share it with…Even the end of the world.

I loved this film and gave it 4 bagels out of 5. I thought about it long after I left the theatre and you will too.

Check out our video to meet our four legged star, Mango, hear John’s thoughts, more of mine and to find out his bagel rating.

‘Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World’ opens in theatres, Friday June 22, 2012.

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June 15, 2012 | 6:10 pm

‘Rock Of Ages’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

Sometimes, a good actor can make a bad movie worth watching. Sometimes a bad actor, can make a bad film…Really unwatchable.

That is definitely the case with ‘Rock Of Ages’ directed by Adam Shankman (Hairspray).

Julianne Hough is a great dancer, but when it comes to acting and singing, not very good. The chick is bland and just plain boring…And…

Unfortunately, so is her co-star…Diego Boneta. Granted he has a good voice, but he doesn’t come across much better in the charisma department.

Of course, they’re not the only problem with this film. ‘Rock Of Ages’ written by Justin Therous, Chris D’Arienzo and Allan Loeb is based on D’Arienzo’s Broadway musical of the same name.

This type of musical falls into the category of a ‘Juke Box Musical’...It’s all about the music…The dialogue, the plot, the struture…falls to the wayside.

Okay, here are the clift notes…

Boy, Drew (Diego) meets girl, Sherrie (Julianne)...They’ve come to the bright lights of the Sunset Strip to make it big in the music biz…And before you can say…‘We Built This City On Rock And Roll’...the two of them, fall in love.

You know they are in love, because every 5 seconds, they sing about it, while Julianne’s hair blows in the wind.

Okay, now all this is taking place at The Burbon Room, owned by Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand. It’s here that musicians go to get discovered and hot chicks go…to party and nail, whoever.

Catherine Zeta Jones and her hubby the Mayor, Bryan Cranston want to shut the club down because…they sing about it.

Moving along…After looking into each other’s eyes and breaking into song for the first 80 minutes…Drew mistakenly thinks Sherri and burnt out rock and roll super star Stacee Jaxx (Tom Cruise) have had sex.

By the way Mr. Cruise kills in the part. Plus he has a four range octave and sings his ass off…One of his best performances in a long time.

Okay, so our couple breaks up…Sherri gets work as a stripper. where for some reason. Mary J. Blige hangs out…

Drew takes the advice of his sleezy manager, Paul Giamatti, gives up Rock and roll to become a white rapper in a Boy Band…

What happens next? Well believe me, I doubt at this point, you’ll even care. All I wanted was everyone to stop singing.

My recommendation: if you’re into music from the 80’s, skip ‘Rock Of Ages’ which opens Friday, June 15, 2012 and instead, download the songs from I tunes.

Check out our funny video to hear me sing and to see John’s bagel rating.

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June 14, 2012 | 12:28 am

‘That’s My Boy’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

First the good news:  ‘That’s My Boy’ directed by Sean Anders, has one of the funniest opening scenes of any Adam Sandler film I’ve seen in a really long time.

The year is 1984…13 year old Donnie Berger, (an excellent Justin Weaver) rises to fame after a hot affair with his gorgeous, super sexy math teacher, Mary McGarricle, (Eva Amurri Martino).

Donnie winds up making six figures for his life story, becomes a national hero and even gets on the cover of Tiger Beat, the premier teen magazine..  Life couldn’t be better for our young stud. 

However, life turns out slightly different for his baby-mama.  That’s right, the potent Donnie, impregnates Ms. Mary…and she winds up getting sent to prison for 30 years.

Donnie gets custody of his son, whom he names Hans Solo, and raises him…badly…for 18 years.

Which brings us to the present…25 years after Donnie’s five minutes of fame, we find him broke, owing the IRS $42,000 and he’s about to be sent to jail for tax evasion. What is a talentless, loser to do?

Crash his son’s wedding of course.

Randy Morgan (Dan Patrick) a sleezy reality producer promises Donnie $50 grand if he can arrange a reunion between himself, his son and McGarricle, who’s still in the joint and…now looks a lot like Susan Sarandon.

This could be a big problem since…

Hans,  has since changed his name to Todd, is a super successful business man, and hasn’t seen Donnie in almost ten years.  He tells everyone that his parents died in an explosion.  Also…

Todd is about to be married to a beautiful, controlling gold digger, named Jamie (Leighton Meester) and thanks to her charms… 

Todd’s boss, Steve (Tony Orlando) has graciously invited the whole wedding party to his estate for a weekend of celebration before the big date. 

Okay, so…

Donnie shows up, pretends to be his son’s long time friend and much to Todd’s chagrin…winds up the STAR of the weekend.

Everyone, including Steve’s elderly, but still horny grandma, as well as, Jamie’s straight parents (Will Forte, Rachel Dratch) and her weirdly weird Marine brother, Chad (Milo Ventimiglia)...love him.

‘That’s My Boy’ is filled with outrageous, raunchy, over the top humor…At times, the film is actually funny, in a sophmoric kind of a way…other times it’s silly, but most of the time…It’s really, really stupid.

There is something for everyone:  Lots of penis jokes, nudity, sex with the elderly, sex with relatives, sex with stripers…You get the idea.

Humor is subjective and I guess, in the end, Sandler’s humor just doesn’t appeal to me.  For that reason, I gave ‘That’s My Boy’ which opens in theatres, June 15, 2012, only 2 1/2 bagels out of 5.

Check out our video to see John’s thoughts and his bagel rating.

 

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June 3, 2012 | 11:31 pm

‘Prometheus’ Review

Posted by Joan Alperin-Schwartz

What if you had the chance to meet the people who created you…And by you…I mean the human race. Could you resist such an opportunity?

Two brilliant scientists, the intense, religious Dr. Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and the very unspiritual Dr. Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) certainly can’t.

Not after they discover a series of cave paintings, that turn out to be a star map, left by several ancient Earth civilizations, that points to the same location in distant space. They believe that they found the planet that is home to the engineers of the human race. And Shaw and Holloway are determined to pay them a visit.

Luckily, the scientists are able to get the backing of a wealthy, visionary, Peter Weyland (an unreconizable Guy Pearce) head of Weyland Industries.

We meet the super old, Mr. W. as a hologram and not wanting to give too much away, that’s all I’ll say about him…Except for the fact, that he arranges for his ice princess daughter, Vickers (Charlize Theron) to head up the mission.

Now what would the prequel to ‘Alien’ be without an android.

This time his name is David (Michael Fassbender) and just like in the 1979 film, he’s cold, calculating, childlike and personally, I think a bit of a pervert.

For example…While the crew is in stasis, David passes the time rumaging through the mind of Dr. Shaw. Okay, he also watches the film ‘Lawrence Of Arabia’ over and over again so he can learn to mimic Peter O’Toole’s voice.

So after a two year sleep, our space travelers, which include Jarek (Idris Elba) a no nonsense captain wake up and arrive on the planet of our creators. And…

Let’s just say they’re in for a lot of surprises…Most of them are terrifying, twisted, dark and occasionally, super gross. Oh and there’s a good chance that mankind might get obilterated.

‘Prometheus’ shot in 3D is directed by the 74 year young, Sir Ridley Scott and he’s put together a film that is exciting, visually stunning and scary as hell…A film you’ll remember long after the credits roll.

I absolutely loved ‘Prometheus which opens in theatres Friday June 8, 2012 and gave it 4 1/2 bagels out of 5.

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