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Tribe
March 16, 2011
Deliberately, delightfully child-free
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Ken and Alissa Koven. Photo by Dan Kacvinski.
Ken and Alissa Koven love kids — as long as they’re other people’s.
“We like to give them back when we’re done,” Ken said.
The Marina del Rey couple have no intention of ever having children, a decision that may rankle bubbes everywhere but is just fine with them.
They’re not alone, by any means. In 2008, nearly 20 percent of American women ended their child-bearing years without having kids, compared to 10 percent in 1976, according to a June 2010 report by the Pew Research Center that drew on U.S. Census Bureau data.
While some of those women may have put off having children because of work or education, Alissa decided at an early age that she would be childless by choice.
“I knew by the time I was 20 that I didn’t want children,” the 38-year-old said. “I spent many hours and years baby-sitting. I really enjoy spending time with children, but I like my nice, quiet, peaceful home. It was a very informed decision.”
Coming to an agreement about this subject with her husband was easy. Ken, an IT consultant who grew up in Thousand Oaks, was pushing 40 by the time they were married in 2003. At that point, having kids was not at the top of his list of priorities.
“I was on the fence. I was open to either way,” he said.
Now, at 46, he’s grateful they made the decision they did. It allows them to lock up the house with little notice and travel the world as Ken’s job requires. (They recently returned from a year living in Australia.) They can be, in a word, spontaneous. Their mantra is that it only takes two to make a family.
“Our lives are complete,” Alissa said. “We don’t need kids to have a full life.”
Some relatives had a tough time being persuaded, however.
“Jewish parents want grandchildren,” Ken said. “My mother’s probably still holding out hope.”
Both of the Kovens, whose parents have other grandchildren, were raised Jewish but are not members of a synagogue.
“I do feel some Jewish guilt about not having children, because I do, or did, have the opportunity to increase the Jewish population by one or two and am not doing it,” said Alissa, who does freelance work in market research and as a copy editor.
Despite the divine commandment in Genesis to “be fruitful and multiply,” fertility rates among Jewish women are lower than those for U.S. women in general and are not high enough to replace the current population, according to the 2000-2001 National Jewish Population Survey, sponsored by United Jewish Communities and Jewish Federations.
The decision to have children in today’s world is about much more than creating life; it’s about quality of life, too.
“People don’t talk about the negatives of raising kids. It’s always about the positives,” Ken said. Some parents make it sound like having kids is all about baking cookies, tossing baseballs and sharing hugs, he said. What they tend to leave out is the exhaustion, worry and frustration, not to mention the expense.
The Kovens, who said conversations with others on the topic can sometimes be awkward and make them feel defensive, said they see both sides of the equation.
“We both knew what it would take — the amount of time and effort — in order to be a good parent, and we’re just not comfortable with that kind of commitment,” Ken said. “If you’re going to have kids, it has to become the center of your universe.”
They admit that there are inherent downsides to their choice: Alissa would love to be a grandmother someday, and she worries about what will happen when they get older.
“I see my friends taking care of their parents in nursing homes and dealing with issues of the elderly,” she said.
She also knows that she will never experience the special bond and unconditional love that parents have told her exists between them and their child, but she said she’s willing to miss out on that part of life.
And let’s be clear — not wanting kids isn’t the same as hating them. The Kovens spend plenty of time with little tykes. Many of their friends have children. “When I go see these kids, I’m all about fun,” Ken said. “I can just be this crazy person who roughhouses and gives piggyback rides — and leaves.”
They just don’t have as much in common with friends who are parents as they do with other child-free friends. With that in mind, the Kovens joined an organization called No Kidding! Founded in Vancouver, British Columbia, in 1984, the international social club for childless singles and couples now has 44 chapters around the world and about 10,000 members.
Jerry Steinberg, who is the group’s “founding non-father emeritus,” said in an e-mail that there were two main reactions when he started the group.
“Most people were appalled that anyone would actually choose not to have children, and sure that anyone who would do so must be some kind of child-hating monster,” wrote Steinberg, who was born Jewish but said he does not subscribe to most tenets of the religion. “A much smaller minority were relieved to discover that they weren’t alone in their choice, and that there were some very intelligent, caring, fun people who had also chosen not to add more consuming polluters to our overpopulated planet.”
The majority’s reaction has softened since then.
In 1988, only 39 percent of adults disagreed with the statement that people without children “lead empty lives,” according to the National Opinion Research Center’s General Social Survey. That figure rose to 59 percent by 2002. Likewise, nearly half of those surveyed in a 2009 Pew Research Center poll thought it didn’t matter that a growing share of women never want to have kids.
As the societal pressure to bear children diminishes, the message from couples like the Kovens is clear.
“We’re not evil people,” Ken said. “It’s OK to make this choice.”
About 125 people are members of the Southern California chapter of No Kidding!, which started in the San Fernando Valley and now is based in Long Beach, according to organizer Dominic Albert.
At first glance, there’s nothing inherently different between this social group and many others that get together to eat, chat and socialize. Dig a little deeper, though, and Ken points out a dead giveaway:
“Nobody needs to worry about finding a baby-sitter before they go out.”
More information on No Kidding! can be found at nokidding.net.
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I am 38, my husband is 44, we are both Jewish (non-practicing), and after dealing with infertility issues we decided that we were complete as we are and didn’t need to be guinea pigs to science or go through the expense, process and procedures, and risk of adoption. Being childfree allows me to focus on international development issues, and travel with short term notice.
- Comment by Wendy on 3/17/11 at 12:09 am
Glad to see another two people giving proper consideration to such an important decision.
Alissa is not missing out on anything though. Parents claim to have this ‘special bond’ with their kids but there is no evidence of its existence. Remember they have (like us) been raised with society telling them all this nonsense. Funny the things we accept as fact unquestioningly. We should question the social conditioning we get regarding children. There is evidence of a closer bond between adoptive kids and their parents than between kids and their biological parents! Parents just confuse ‘special bond’ with their desire to see part of themself live on in the next generation.
- Comment by Esther on 3/17/11 at 11:11 am
A well written, balanced article. Like Alissa, I also knew from an early age that children didn’t factor into my future. And while my husband and I may not have anyone to care for us in our later years (we are mid 40s now), many children move away and leave their parents to seniors’ homes anyway. At least we will have the financial ability to pay for our senior care
- Comment by Sharon on 3/19/11 at 2:17 pm
My husband and I have 3 children - 6 and under. Two biological (who were very hard to conceive) and we have custody of my cousin’s son. My children are charming, happy and well mannered. And while I enjoy being a parent and am very happy, the idea that being a parent “is the most rewarding thing someone can experience” is laughable. It is often the most UNREWARDING experience. It is hard, hard, hard. You put your entire self into this unbelievely difficult job and the result is often…I’m at a loss for words…(maybe because I’m so tired). So don’t believe the hype. Ken and Alissa are clearly very happy - what more can any of us hope for in life.
- Comment by erinn on 3/24/11 at 6:39 pm
Another sad example of what happens when Jews worship at the alter of liberalism, e.g., Barrack Hussein Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. These liberal Jews do not need Judaism to get their emotional “high.” Instead, they ally themselves with B. Hussein Obama, the ACLU, Planned Parenthood & the NAACP. Germany’s NAZI (national socialist) party couldn’t be more proud of your choice to forego having Jewish babies.
- Comment by Lenny on 3/26/11 at 4:30 am
She is an inspiration. Not everybody is cut out to be a mother, and women who would have a happier life without them should get to live that life without condemnation!
- Comment by maria on 9/10/11 at 12:55 pm
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Bravo, Ken and Alissa! For a married Jewish couple to stick to their guns and resist the Jewish continuity pressure must have taken super-human strength. One thing the article didn’t mention is that people without children contribute and give back in many varied ways and having a baby isn’t the only way to do that. I’ve been a happily childfree “dog mom” for over 15 years now and while I occasionally wonder why I don’t have a biological clock when it seems like everyone else does, I have no regrets.