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October 19, 2007 | 12:52 pm

Why is Joel Stein going to Hell?

Posted by Brad A. Greenberg

I often used to wonder what I’d go to hell for. Not giving my money to the starving and homeless? Eating animals? Dumping girlfriends? Being a journalist? Then I checked out the Bible and realized how capricious God is: He’s down with slavery, slaughtering children during war and turning people to salt for pitying gays who are being burned alive. I gave up riddling out what ticks off the Almighty.

That’s Joel Stein being a little snarky about the vengeful God of the Tanakh. Based on past columns, of which I am a fan, I’d say God has plenty of reasons to chose from. But we know God is also forgiving, even if Stein doesn’t live biblically like A.J. Jacobs, whom he was dining with for this column.

The Bible, it turns out, is much like other long books, in that reading it apparently turns you into a huge dork.

I sinned by using a credit card (taking on debts, per Romans 13:8), not giving thanks after—not before—my meal (Deuteronomy 8:10), telling the waitress that “I’ll have the burger” without adding “God willing” (James 4:13-15) and “cursing the ruler of thy people,” George Bush (Exodus 22:28). The Republicans should focus more on that Scripture instead of putting so much emphasis on Leviticus and sodomy.

But Jacobs was only truly appalled when I told the waitress that yes, thank you, I enjoyed the burger. “That was terrible!” Jacobs yelled. “That was a flat-out, bald-faced, dishonest fib. Proverbs say that people appreciate frankness more than flattery.” He wouldn’t let it go, mimicking me with a very squeaky, high-pitched tone that I’m sure Leviticus has something to say about. “‘The burger’s good! Oh, it’s dee-licious!’”

At the end of the meal, I asked Jacobs what I was going to go to hell for. “It’s your evil tongue,” he said. I had apparently “slandered” (Leviticus 19:16) the guy who created the 43 Folders organization system by calling him “crazy” even though I know nothing about him, and I made fun of Miss Teen South America. Plus, even though he didn’t know it, I was scribbling notes about Jacobs’ irritating moral superiority.

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that hair should get anyone into hell.

Comment by KA on 9/13/08 at 3:15 pm

hey! I don’t like getting into religious “discussions” so I always stay away from them, but I accidentally stumbled across your blog and honestly, it just plain blessed me.  The honesty, the grace….you could downright condemn that guy, but you humorously took the load right off him with one swipe of grace from your heart. 

I really think that more people are going to be in heaven than most think (and, again, I don’t care to get in any theological arguments—had enough of those). I’m not writing this to make some point, but just to offer my thanks in your understanding the heart of God better than most.  I HOPE you believe in God, I think you do because of the hope I receive from your words…and in response to the old argument that people who believe in God won’t make it to heaven because the demons believe in God and won’t be there…..well, I just have this to say:  humans aren’t angels.  God’s not trying to keep people out, and in all my studying, I don’t see that hell is for anyone but satan and his angels and anyone who just really wants to join him—it’ll probably be populated with “people” who made a pact with him. 

I think one of the misleading portions that stumbles people is that they equate the Kingdom of God with heaven, and when the Bible refers to the Kingdom and mising the Kingdom, it’s not referring to heaven.  If it was, it’d say “heaven.”  It’s referring to the Kingdom, which is God’s way of doing what He does, His established order, if you will….

Anyway, thanks for the space to share today. NOBODY WRITE ANYTHING “EVIL” ABOUT ME AFTER I’M GONE.  Evil belongs in hell. That’s the only thing that does.

Comment by Charlie A on 4/19/09 at 1:46 pm

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