Jewish Journal

The five kinds of Mormons

by Brad A. Greenberg

May 2, 2012 | 10:41 am

With all the musing on Mitt Romney’s faith, Salt Lake Tribune republished a 1994 column by Robert Kirby that breaks down Mormons into five categories. They are: Liberal, Genuine, Conservative, Orthodox and Nazi. The last one being defined as:

NAZI MORMONS: Ten percent of the LDS is church is NM. Of that 10 percent, 90 percent live in Utah, most within pot-lucking distance of BYU. NM’s claim Diet Coke is the same thing as heroin, and heaven is a multi-level marketing system of glory.

NM’s believe French kissing is cause for excommunication. They routinely take church advice and improve on it: If no single dating until 16 is good, no single dating until the draft age is even better. NM’s pay tithing based on their gross income plus the stuff they get from the bishop’s storehouse.

Now I don’t think that those are official categories used by the Church of Jesus Christ Latter-day Saints. But Peggy Fletcher Stack, whose reporting-on-Mormons credential I’ve never seen challenged, says Kirby’s classifications are a lot more accurate than the maniac, moderate and modernist categories offered by Father Dwight Longenecker, priest of Our Lady of the Rosary parish in Greenville, S.C., in a column on Catholic Online.

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