(Disclaimer: This post has nothing to do with religion. Stop now if you don’t want to read about a friend using a bidet the wrong way, and having it blow up in his face.)
I am in the middle of bachelor party season, which means three things: continuing my 26-year streak of stripper-less festivities, lots of short workweeks and long weekends and quite a few stories that will be worth remembering long after my friends have moved far away. One such memory, from a bachelor party two years ago, was jogged when I received an email about an upcoming celebration for which I’ll be traveling to Palm Springs. There my friend Torch has rented a large house that is going to sleep some 15 guys and just so happens to have a bidet.
“For those who don’t know what that is,” Torch informed us, “according to wikipedia: A bidet is a low-mounted plumbing fixture or type of sink intended for washing the genitalia, inner buttocks, anus, and Stephen’s face….”
Which takes us back to the previous bachelor party at Lake Mead and one never-ending, totally wholesome night in Vegas along the way. The story makes my college buddies and I sound like a bunch of children—not just this story, either—but this group included a journalist (the guy they call Muscles), a software designer, a baseball front-office guy, an elementary school teacher and a soon-to-be sheriff’s deputy.Troy recalls the ordeal here:
Somehow, for the seven guys, Ben had managed to book the freaking Honeymoon Suite. This consisted of the following items:
1) One king-sized bed
2) One shower with transparent door, completely unhidden from the rest of the room.
3) One hot tub, located precisely in the middle of the room, so that you passed it walking from the door to the bed.
4) One bidet. If you don’t know what that is, here is the dictionary.com definition: “A fixture similar in design to a toilet that is straddled for bathing the genitals and the posterior parts.”
If you think that seven guys between the ages of 21 and 24 are mature enough to handle such a situation, you are sorely mistaken. But perhaps this event best illustrates our 4 hour stay in the hotel room:
I’m not sure how much money was involved in the bet, but eventually Stephen was convinced to use the bidet. It was enough for most of us to sit back and wait for the inevitable shriek that was to come. But for Muscles, this would not do.
Stephen’s first mistake was leaving the door open. Yeah, I know, you would think that the one married guy in the group would NOT be the one watching another guy use the bidet, but Muscles claimed it was going to be “too hilarious to miss”. He was right. First of all, Stephen began by facing the wrong way on the bidet. He hovered over the porcelain as a steady stream of water started to emerge. But apparently it was too strong for his liking, and so before making the jump, he decided to turn it down a bit. Unfortunately, he twisted the knob in the wrong direction, and a powerful jet shot up from the bidet (we later discovered it could reach the ceiling) and right into his FACE. What came next was straight out of a slapstick comedy - Stephen struggling for breath, gurgling out the toilet water, as he attempted to turn the whole thing off.
Suffice to say, I didn’t try the bidet.