1. About boyfriends
Me: So, what do you think of him?
Mom: It doesn't matter what I think. Are you happy?
Me: Yes. Very.
Mom: As long as you marry someone that's Jewish. That's important. Is your boyfriend Jewish? I just don't want you to get too serious if he isn't.
2. About my job
Mom: How's work?
Me: Good. I really love it.
Mom: Well I saw this ad for a job up in the Bay area. It looks like it's just up your alley and pays really well.
Me: That's great. But I love my job here. And all my friends are here. I'm pretty happy.
Mom: Just keep an open mind! You could still look. I just want you to be happy!
3. About grandchildren
Dad: Your mother and I want grandkids. Just so you know.
4. About my propensity for not always having a jacket
Grandma: You didn't bring a jacket? Aren't you cold? But what if it get's cold?
Me: It's 70 degrees outside. I'm comfortable.
Grandma: Well, okay. But what if the weather changes? Wouldn't you like to have a sweater with you?
5. On asking my food preferences when I visit
Mom: What do you want me to make for dinner?
Me: I don't care. Whatever you want.
Mom: You're the one visiting, what do you want?
Me: How about tacos?
Mom: I don't know about that...how about Moroccan chicken or pot roast?
Me: Okay. Chicken.
Mom: You know, I should use the pot roast soon.
Me: Okay, then pot roast?
Mom: Is that okay with you?
6. On wearing gifts
Mom: Do you ever wear the pink cable knit sweater I bought you?
Me: Yes. It's super cozy.
Mom: It's just that I've never seen you wear it. Does it not fit? Do you need it in another size? I can get it in another size!
Me: I wear it. * It fits. I promise.
Mom: You know, I understand if you don't like it
*FACT: I actually do wear it.
7. On my weight fluctuations
Mom: You're getting so skinny! Don't lose any more weight!
Grandma #2: (While out to eat breafast) Let me see your plate. (Silently proceeds to break fat off of slices of bacon--hands me back my plate with just the meat part.)
8. On the length of the drive to my parent's house
Dad: I know it's a 55 mile drive for you to see us, but it's longer for us to come and see you.
9. On the state of air conditioning in restaurants in Santa Cruz (a beach town)
Mom: I'm schvitzing. We can't eat dinner here. Why is there no air conditioning?
Me: Because it's a beach town.
Mom: I can't be in a place with no air conditioning.
Me: Unfortunately, none of the restaurants have air conditioning. It's a beach town. They rely on the water to keep things cool.
Mom: What do you mean none of the restaurants here use air conditioning? You need to find one.
Me: But they don't exist.
Mom: I'm sure there's one--how about the Mexican place?
Mom: The Brasilian place?
Me: Nope. None of them.
Mom: I don't care where we eat here, I just need air conditioning.
Me: But...eh, nevermind.
10. On what I do with my free time
Mom: You know, you need to travel while you're young.
Me: So mom, I'm going to Portland for New Years--just so you know.
Mom: Why are you traveling again this year? Haven't you done enough traveling? Don't waste your vacation days!
11. On ordering deli food
Mom: Should we get kishke? Nevermind, we're getting kishke. And corned beed on a kaiser roll with mustard. And delcos.
12. On tattoos
Mom: Did you see the tattoo that girl had? I don't understand why anyone would get a tattoo. You don't have a tattoo, right?
Me: Uh, sure mom.
13. On my hair
Mom: Why don't you pull your hair out of your face? Why don't you wear your hair down more often?
14. On my makeup
Mom: Why don't you wear more makeup? Why are you wearing so much makeup?
15. On my clothing
Mom: You know, a necklace would look nice with that! But why are you wearing that shmata?
16. On leftovers
Mom: Make sure you don't forget to take leftovers! But leave me some! Are you taking all of that?