March 29, 2011
Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead, and Other Cheerful Thoughts About Going to my Own Funeral
When my mom’s oncologist told her in no uncertain terms that all the chemo, clinical trials, vats of green tea and chanting at the Ashram weren’t doing a lick of good, she fired up her computer, lit a cigarette (hey, she was a goner anyway,) poured herself a strong cup of instant coffee, and sat down to plan her funeral.
“Wouldn’t it be great to go to your own funeral?” She asked in the middle of downloading Peter Paul and Mary’s song “Weave Me The Sunshine” for the processional. “Like Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn?”
I thought about it while she dragged the downloaded music file onto the playlist she was assembling.
She was right: Going to your own funeral would be like the ultimate love-in - like the Academy Awards, only even more
When else are you going to see yourself in the best light? When else are you going to be front and center—so what if it’s in a wooden box— and the star of the show?
What other time but at a funeral or wake are your foibles going to be magically transformed into charming anecdotes…
In real life, I don’t know when to shut up. But when I’m dead, I’ll be someone who spoke the truth. In real life, I’m sloppy and disorganized. But when I’m dead, I’ll be “creative.” In real life, I’m lazy. But when I’m dead, I’ll be someone who didn’t sweat the small stuff
In real life, I’m an obnoxious exhibitionist who is so insecure that she needs to go to her own funeral for validation. But when I’m dead, I’ll be “Sarah! A an honest, creative, and spirited woman! Let us drink a glass of wine in her honor!”
Pour one out for your homies.
There won’t be a dry eye in the house.
Unless of course, nobody came to my funeral.
Or worse. People came to enjoy themselves while singing a rousing chorus of Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead.”
But on the plus side, if I do catch someone enjoying themselves a little too much at my funeral, I’m a haunt a bitch.
Delusions of grandeur and departure from reality not withstanding, I know that you can’t really go to our own funeral. Unless you’re a complete douchebags who likes to play on the feelings of your loved ones just to get a little positive reinforcement.
So, I’m curious: What songs would you want included at YOUR funeral? Speak now, or forever hold your peace.