April 20, 2011
DEAR DISNEY: Thank You For Teaching My Children These Valuable Lessons…
- Wild rodents are cuddly and cute and should totally sleep in your bed.
- Tigers make great pets.
- All Dogs go to Heaven.** They never hump your leg, eat their own shit or try to maul you.
- It’s OK to get married when you’re sixteen to a guy you just met in the middle of the ocean. But if you smell like fish, he might not want you.
- Eat wild mushrooms. Especially if a caterpillar says so. And if a Doorknob tells you to drink something from a bottle, then by all means… (After all, if animals or inanimate objects are talking to you, you probably can’t do any more damage to your central nervous system.)
- True love conquers all: Even the Beastiality taboo.
- You should make out with girls who are unconscious. They want you to.
- An attractive girl who moves into a
- You can fly you can fly you can fly! Pixie dust! Happy thoughts! Big ears! Magic carpet! An umbrella! Whatever! (Just send Disney the bills if you break your arm. Or get rabies from the mice in your bed.)
** And yes, I know All Dogs Go To Heaven is NOT a Disney movie. But still.