December 13, 2010 | 10:30 am
Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel
Here’s the scenario. You meet someone you think you could like. You’ve hung out three or four times, maybe a few dates and then meeting up with his friends for drinks. You start to think you do like him. You start opening up, talking about your family or dreams or whatever it is you think makes you special. He does the same. In fact, when you meet his friends, they already know about you. You think to yourself, ok this could be something. Then….
NOTHING. He doesn’t call back. That’s how he ends it. He doesn’t think he owes you a phone call or an explanation or even a text to say “no thanks, I’m not interested anymore.” He just doesn’t respond. In the last year, so many of my friends have had little flings end like this. What does it take for a guy to dump you properly? Now, I know girls do this too, but it seems to me that by and large, this is mainly perpetrated by men. I’ve talked many times with other girls about how to have these awkward conversations so I know some of them are doing it. I also know men want to say that it’s just easier for women to communicate and that this is how men deal with stuff. But that’s just total malarkey. I’m guessing some men are either to selfish to care or more likely just cowards.
First of all, if you’re a guy that doesn’t dump girls properly because you just don’t care enough to write a simple text message saying “I’m too busy with work to get together now. It was really nice getting to know you though,” then you’re just an inconsiderate rude bastard and I can only blame your mother for not telling you to grow up already.
Second of all, if you’re just a coward, no one’s going to want to date you anyway. Having enough guts to force yourself to deal with an uncomfortable situation for five minutes is just part of life. You don’t have to like it. But you do have to be able to deal with it.
But what concerns me more, is that maybe men don’t feel they owe it to these girls to say anything to them. Like there’s some magic cut-off mark at the six month period perhaps and only if you make it there do you owe a girl an official “it’s over” talk. But shouldn’t the standard relate to how much you both share with each other? I know one girl who found herself wishing for the it’s over talk after spending multiple evenings with a guy’s entire family. I know one girl who spent the whole weekend with a guy, sleeping over, spending the day together, walking around the neighborhood arm in arm for three months. I know another girl who listened to some boy sob about how lonely he had been till he met her. And then BAM. Like that. Just nothing. She calls once and leaves a voicemail checking in. She sends a follow up text. And there’s just no answer. Ever. The girl can’t call more or she looks like a psycho stalker. So that’s it. She waits out the days and usually after about two weeks says well I guess it’s over then.
Don’t these guys owe her more than that? It’s just so insulting to think that after getting to know someone like that, a man doesn’t owe a woman the courtesy of a simple let down conversation. You don’t even have to see her to do it. Is it really so hard to pick up the phone? How intimate do you have to get to earn the right to be broken up with? When I was in college, I very casually dated this guy (who I adored cause he lived in a co-op). We never got that intimate, emotionally or physically, but I think of him so fondly because of how he ended things with me. He took me out to dinner and we had a really nice time. I knew something was up when he insisted on paying the check because we had always been splitting things up till then. Then he walked me back to my dorm and honestly I can’t even remember what he said. Maybe he said he met someone else or that it was just over, but either way he told the truth and that was that. I still feel warmth towards him because of it and he’s been happily married for years now. He certainly didn’t owe me all that, but he was just the kind of stand-up guy that wanted to let a girl down gently.
Why are we evolving away from that? Why is it becoming more and more acceptable to break-up via the silent treatment? By today’s standards, it seems that if a guy sent me a text saying “not into you anymore. Have a nice life,” I’d be running through the streets yelling with glee “I just got dumped!” I mean really, what does a girl have to do these days to be told to take a hike?
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