February 22, 2012 | 10:11 pm

Ten Ways to Distinguish Yourself From a Hooker

Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel

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A few weeks back, my boyfriend offered to pay my health insurance premiums.  I am unusually poor right now, which I’ve discovered doesn’t well suit me, so I have slowly been dwindling down what little savings I have to almost nothing.  Essentially, if I don’t sell a screenplay soon, I’ll either have to take his help or move back in with my parents or worse get a job as a lawyer.  My boyfriend is very supportive of my current career goals and so has offered in multiple ways to help me out financially.  Up till now, I’ve drawn a clear line in the sand.  I pay for my necessities (rent, utilities, and I’m sure a few other things).  He pays for pretty much everything else: eating out, seeing movies, taking trips, paying for cabs, ski lift tickets, drinks at bars, etc.

To my mind, this is a clear division.  If we broke up tomorrow, I’d still be able to subsist.  This allows me to remind myself, I’m not a hooker.  But I’m starting to think more and more about taking his money.  So if he does start paying my rent, have I crossed the line into the murky waters of prostitution?  I decided to look for signs.  Signs that I am not a ho.  And so, here is a list that perhaps you will find helpful too.

Ten Reasons I Know I’m Not a Hooker

1. One Day, I’d Like to Support Him.
   He says he has no problem retiring early and taking care of kids.  I, on the other hand, think I have so much to say, I’ll probably be writing till I die.  So how many hookers are willing to say one day baby I’m gonna be paying you for sex.


2. I Will Still Break Up With Him If He Cheats on Me.
   No matter what he’s paying for, I need fidelity in my relationship.  I’d rather be poor, than reverse-cuckolded.  Don’t know too many hookers that worry about getting cheated on by their clients.


3. If He Stops Paying My Bills, I Will Still Date Him.
   What can I say?  I love him.  If he loses his job and we both have to start living out of our cars, I’d still want to be with him.  Do hookers work on credit?


4. I Don’t Wear Stripper Heels in the Daytime.
   Hookers wear hooker clothes in the daytime.  Slutty girls wear hooker clothes at night.  Girlfriends wear hooker clothes in the bedroom and only on birthdays and anniversaries.


5. He Might Ask Me to Pay Him Back.
   I’ve suggested that if he ever does start to help me, it would only be in the form of loan and I would repay him.  He laughed at this, calling it a bad investment, but nonetheless, he’d still reserve the right to ask for it back from me.  Do hookers give refunds when their clients move on to someone new?


6. If I’m Not in the Mood, I’m Not in the Mood.
   If you take your prostitute up to the room and she tells you she’s too depressed about her career to make love, you should fire her.  I, however, have no compunction about taking the night off every once in a while.


7. His Parents Gave Me a Christmas Gift.
   Actually, it was a Chanukkah gift but still, prostitutes may get gifts from their clients, but I doubt they get ones from their clients’ parents.


8. Prostitutes Don’t Work When They’re Not With Their Client.
   I might go all week without seeing my boyfriend if both our work schedules get crazy.  But that doesn’t mean I get time off from being a girlfriend.  I still have to plan our social calendars for the weekend, write witty sexts, and remind him to buy our plane tickets.  My job never stops.


9. Prostitutes Still Have to Pay Taxes.
   In the end, they got Heidi Fleiss on income tax evasion.  Hookers get paid to do a job and thus even though it’s an illegal job in most places, they still have to report that money as income.  I receive gifts and as long as the gifts are less than the annual exclusion, I have no income to report.


10. Prostitutes Don’t Get to Win Every Argument.
    If you disagree with your boss about something, rightly or wrongly, he’s probably going to win in the end because he’s your boss.  Hookers don’t get to tell their clients too often how wrong they are.  Girlfriends on the other hand, are never wrong.

Tamara Shayne Kagel is a writer living in Santa Monica, CA. To find out more about her, visit www.tamarashaynekagel.com and follow her on twitter @tamaraskagel. © Copyright 2011.