October 5, 2011 | 1:00 pm

Ten Things I Learned From Foxy Knoxy

Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel

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Foxy Knoxy is out.  It used to be that being a pretty twenty-something American college student got you a free latte.  Now, apparently, it gets you a pass on murder.  I know I know, but the DNA evidence was faulty.  And of course it was and perhaps there wasn’t enough evidence to convict her, but I’m not buying that Amanda Knox was completely innocent in the whole affair either.  She acted way too crazy to not to be involved somehow – doing cartwheels in the police station and making out with her boyfriend afterwards.  Maybe she wasn’t the actual killer but she at least knew a little too much to have a clear conscience. 

Being pretty, has always had its unfair advantages.  But Foxy Knoxy seems to truly have expanded the limits of what being young and beautiful can get you.  Amanda Knox has seemed to have opened the door for the underserved white educated class of beautiful women in this country.

Ten things I learned from Foxy Knoxy’s time in an Italian prison:

1. When I was in college, we used to call girls slutty behind their backs.  But apparently now, girls who sow their wild oats in college are called sex-obsessed, depraved wild-orgy having perverts who rape and murder.  However, the term for male promiscuity seems to have remained the same: stud.

2. If this had to happen to Foxy Knoxy, at least it happened in Italy where they don’t have the death penalty.  She could have been sentenced to death in the States.  But then again, when was the last time we executed someone beautiful on death row.  For that matter, when was the last time we executed someone who wasn’t a poor black man?

3.  They used to say the best way to learn a foreign language is to date someone who speaks it.  But four years in an Italian jail and Foxy Knoxy is fluent.  Perhaps an even better way to learn a foreign language is prison?

4. If you have a twenty-year old daughter, she probably has a vibrator.  Perhaps your next sex talk should include a gentle reminder not to bring sex toys across international borders – they seem to be misconstrued in certain parts of the world.

5. For some people it’s herpes on your mouth and God is punishing you with an STD.  For some people they’re just cold sores that can be transmitted by sharing drinks.  This is the new Rorschach test that determines which sexual generation you are from.

6. Lifetime will make a movie about your story if you’re a beautiful young college student who gets sucked into some deviant foreign underworld involving rape and murder.  But Hollywood will make a movie about you if you are a beautiful young college student wrongly accused of a gory crime you didn’t commit.  Apparently Hollywood really does need a happy ending but sensational tv for women doesn’t.

7. College degrees are overrated.  Foxy Knoxy didn’t graduate from University of Washington but John Grisham is begging to co-author a book with her.  She’s about to begin her career on the talk show circuit and compare million dollar deals to allow someone the privilege of telling her story.

8. If your story is told on Lifetime, you will be prettier than the actress who plays you.

9. Basic Instinct had it right all along.  Forget getting away with a speeding ticket.  If you’re pretty enough, you can get away with murder!

10. If all else fails, blame it on a black man.  Knox got so confused during her interview with police, she told them her boss Patrick Lumumba must have done it.  Although this black man had an airtight alibi, Knox luckily admitted to knowing another black Italian man, Rudy Guede and he has been convicted of the murder.

Tamara Shayne Kagel is a writer living in Santa Monica, CA. To find out more about her, visit www.tamarashaynekagel.com and follow her on twitter @tamaraskagel. © Copyright 2011.