December 6, 2010 | 10:30 am

Sugar Daddy vs. Law School Lackey

Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel

Follow JewishJournal.com on

I’m in the middle of studying for law school finals right now which means I’m close to suicidal.  Actually, I should be but I’m really just procrastinating – the joys of being a 3L I guess.  Every year, about this time, as I’m hating law school finals like the fat girls in sixth grade hated me, I start to think about dropping out.  I don’t hate law school, but the finals are just so momentously brutal, that as I sit here staring at my Fed Tax Outline, my mind starts to wonder, would being a Sugar Baby really be so bad?  Being a lawyer seems equally dreadful but if I pick Sugar Baby, I don’t have to take this final Tuesday. 

So right about this time of year, careful to hide the screen on my mac from my fellow coffee-shop hipsters, I usually start searching sites like sugardaddyforme.com and sugardaddie.com and wonder which would truly be worse: marrying someone for money? Or taking my finals and being a lawyer?  Well, let’s compare:

Being a professionally kept woman would mean sex with an old man = Lawyer 1, Sugar Baby 0

But being a lawyer still means Winter Final Exams + Spring Final Exams + the Bar this summer = Lawyer 1, Sugar Baby 1

Becoming a Sugar Baby means Sugar Daddy is probably divorced and has a daughter who has 45 friends in common with me on Facebook = Lawyer 2, Sugar Baby 1

Another semester with annoying law school kids who started studying weeks ago, post Facebook statuses about how behind they are, and think the funniest thing in the world is any joke about 1Ls = Lawyer 2, Sugar Baby 2

Probably being asked to sign a prenup instead of knowing how to get around a prenup = Lawyer 3, Sugar Baby 2

Old man smell = Lawyer 4, Sugar Baby 2

Listening to the kids on law review talk about how tough being a god, I mean on law review = Lawyer 4, Sugar Baby 3

Probably being the only parent who can carry your child without throwing out your back = Lawyer 5, Sugar Baby 3

Being the only student who will go to my review session today and genuinely need to ask questions because I don’t understand something big that’s going to be on the test instead of listening to some kid ranked first in our class ask a question about the most irrelevant part of the tax code pre-1928 so he can show the professor how smart he thinks he is = Lawyer 5, Sugar Baby 4

Explaining to my kids how mommy and daddy met online at sugardaddie.com = Lawyer 6, Sugar Baby 4

Finding a law job, being a lawyer, working with other lawyers = Lawyer 6, Sugar Baby 5

Buying a senior discount ticket at the movie theatre on date night = Lawyer 7, Sugar Baby 5

Wearing suits everyday vs. wearing short designer dresses that are inappropriately extravagant for errands = Lawyer 7, Sugar Baby 6

Spending 80 hours a week doing discovery vs. leisurely writing my novel = Lawyer 7, Sugar Baby 7

Alright it’s 2am right now and I’m exhausted so it’s time to make a decision.  Do I stay up to understand why section 1014(b)(6) of the tax code says that there’s a double step down basis for a surviving spouse if the property value of a house owned in joint tenancy has gone down…...or whoring myself out for the rest of my life.  Damnit!  I really thought I was convincing myself this time…