So this morning, I read this article in the LA Times on the booming business of sex addiction. It’s still not recognized by the medical establishment but it seems like, in part thanks to Tiger, it is becoming a valid illness in the eyes of many. I feel really bad for these men. It must be a terrible affliction to want to have sex all the time, and then to be having sex all the time. While the rest of us choose to stay faithful and employ restraint, these men are just completely unable to say no to the beautiful women who they pay for. I’m delighted to know that there’s finally a treatment for these men. A spa they can go to where they can talk all day long about the many women they’ve had sex with and how to cover it up better in the future.
In fact, I feel so inspired that these men are getting help, that I’d like to nominate a few other categories of addicts that could potentially get help. Perhaps when we begin to recognize these illnesses, people will stop blaming them for their actions and realize that they are just sick people who need people. Here are some potential addictions I’ve identified which I would like to suggest for consideration:
1. The Bareback Addict
Men who are addicted to sex without condoms. These men are so addicted to “it just feels better without one” that even when they know a girl is not on birth control, they’re begging her not to use a condom saying “I’ll buy you Plan B tomorrow.” They engage in classic addict behavior when they belitle their partner for “acting like a teenager” or suggesting that they “have something” which would be the only reasons for the girl to suggest using one.
2. The Threesome Addict
Men who are addicted to sex with two girls at the same time. Often, this addiction goes undiagnosed and is only revealed when your boyfriend is caught cheating. He will then explain that he only cheated because he couldn’t stop imagining her with you and that if you would just a let a third join in your lovemaking, he’d be able to stay faithful. Perhaps treatment could involve moving to Utah.
3. The Girls Do My Laundry For Me Addict
These hapless men are the result of mothers who spoiled them and usually they are also college athletes who had an entire sorority to take care of them for four years. When they enter young adulthood, these men become addicted to girls with low self esteem who think this addiction is adorable and sweet and therefore they are willing to do their laundry and dishes even though the man is still having sex with a slew of other girls. These men continually try to break off the relationship but every time the girl shows up with fabric softener, the man becomes weak and finds himself completely helpless to resist.
4. The Fantasy Football Addict
These men are unable to talk or think about anything except their league. They lie about their whereabouts, they add passwords to their computers and phones, and they begin speaking with their friends in code. Even when their loved ones threaten to leave them, these men choose the league over everything else in their lives.
5. The I’m Addicted to Your Hot Best Friend Addict
No matter who your best friend is at the time, your man is unable to stop himself from sleeping with her. He blames you for always bringing her around. He points out that all the reasons you like her as a friend are the reasons he likes her. He promises to stop but even when you start befriending ugly girls, he still can’t help himself. He’s addicted to sharing everything with you.
6. The Hands Free Addict
His hands are allergic to wedding rings. This is usually a surprise to both parties till after the wedding but some men after marriage become allergic to wearing rings. It turns his skin green, it’s uncomfortable, and it causes his fingers to swell. He genuinely wants to wear the jewelry but his body has an allergic reaction of sorts to putting it on and he becomes addicted to keeping his hands unadorned. This is most likely to flare up in public places.
7. The Eye-Candy Addict
These men are addicted to staring at other girl’s cleavage. It doesn’t matter what you look like, or how low cut your own top is. He loves looking at you too, but if a hot girl walks by, he has to check her out. He’s unable to stop his gaze even when at dinner with your parents, while your kissing, or at your own wedding. He feels like a failure every time but he just has to see.
8. The I’m Addicted to My Own Bed Addict
Every time the two of you make love at your place, he has to leave because he has to sleep in his own bed. You may have a four bedroom house in the hills and he may share a room with his roommate in Northridge, but he just can’t sleep anywhere else. It makes him anxious and visibly agitated to even talk about him sleeping at your place. Strangely, this addiction does not manifest when he gets so drunk, he passes out on his friend’s couch.
9. The I’m Addicted to Losing Girls Phone Numbers Addict
He really plans to call you. He genuinely likes you and had a great time with you and he puts his number in your phone because in that moment he really wants to see you again. But somehow, a day or two later, when he goes to call you, he has no power over his fingers as they press the “delete contact” button in stead of the “call” button. He doesn’t understand why he does it himself. It’s like his hands have a mind of their own and no matter how much he wants to stop them he can’t.
10. The Parental Allowance Addict
This is most prevalent in LA, where thousands of well educated young men come to Hollywood and get their first jobs as assistants making less than what their college tuition was a semester. Their parents are supporting his dream of becoming a successful movie agent and so they send him a monthly allowance in addition to keeping him on their credit card. This doesn’t start out like an addiction, but once some of these men enter their thirties and are making enough to live an average lifestyle, they are unable to cut the cord and give up the payment on their 911, or pay their own car insurance, or the apartment with hardwood floors. He wants to be financially independent so his parents can stop threatening that if he doesn’t call more often they’re going to cut him off but he needs the fix on his bank statement every month or he enters a withdrawal which makes him cry every time he sees a Porsche drive by.