November 13, 2010 | 2:13 pm

Don’t Be This Guy

Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel

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Why do men think that when they buy you a drink, this entitles them to enter your personal space?  It doesn’t.  If a girl wants to let you get close enough that she can tell whether or not you have bad breath, guess what?  She’ll let you know.  She’ll invite you there.  Pay attention to her body language and you’ll know.  But however, if every time you lean in close to a girl’s face, she takes a deliberative step back, BACK OFF!  It seems so obvious that it shouldn’t have to be said, but apparently it does. 

Two nights ago, my friends and I were at Renee’s celebrating a friend’s birthday.  This guy came up to us and insisted on buying us a drink.  Ok side note for a moment on some general rules of flirting.  Now, if a girl accepts a drink from a stranger, the rules of civility and a general attempt to be well-mannered suggest that the girl is required to engage the man in a brief polite conversation.  So girls, if the guy is so hideous that you aren’t going to be able to talk to him, don’t take the drink.  On the flip side, men, recognize that if a girl accepts a drink from you, she is not a prostitute and therefore not required to sleep with you, or make-out with you, or generally let you touch her in any way.  So my friends and I being well mannered young ladies, engaged the man in conversation.  But things got off to a rocky start.  Here’s a brief snippet of our convo:

Guy:  Did I tell you I sell drugs for living?
Me: No way!  Me too!
Guy:  Really?
Me:  Yeah sure, uhm, I’m a local seller in the Santa Monica area.
Guy:  Cool.  What do you sell?
Me:  Uhm, I don’t know, the green kind?  What do you sell?
Guy:  I sell Cialis.
Me: Oh, I was being facetious.  I thought you were too.  Sorry.

Anyway, despite this inauspicious beginning, he redoubled his efforts and threw himself in, head first.  Literally, he put his head one inch away from mine, to engage in conversation. Then turned to my friend and did the same thing to her.  He sandwiched himself on the bench, in between me and my friend and leaned in so close, I could see his nose hairs.  I leaned back.  He leaned in further.  I shifted uncomfortably and leaned back further.  This continued way too long.  I asked someone to take a picture of my friends and me, hoping he’d get the hint and remove himself so we could have picture of our group.  Unfortunately, he thought this was an invitation to put his arm around us and be soldered into our memories forever.  So I’m left with this.  This memory of this pompous jerk getting a little too close instead of just the memory of a great birthday celebration.

So men, a word to the wise, DON’T BE THIS GUY.  Try to remain sober enough that you are able to notice if the girl you’re talking to is taking a step backward every few seconds.  This is not her stumbling.  This is a signal.  Back off!  Warning!  You’re too close!  Learn from Cialis guy’s mistake.