February 10, 2011 | 5:25 pm
Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel
In light of the recent news story regarding former Congressman Christopher Lee, I wanted to offer some help to a man who looks pretty down on his luck right now.
1. Don’t Show Your Best Assets Too Soon
Those guns are great, but if they really are your best feature, which I think is probably safe to assume, don’t show them right off the bat for free. Taunt her with them: tell her about them and make her ask to see them. Or get her to give you a photo first.
2. When sending pictures of yourself to anyone you want to woo, never use the pic you take of yourself in the mirror
There is no better way to tip off someone to your vanity driven megalomania than a picture taken in your own home by yourself of you staring in the mirror. If you’re attractive, you have plenty of photos other people have taken of you. Even if you think it’s not as good a photo, there’s no bigger turn off than finding out a man is more image-conscious than you are.
3. If You’re Famous and You’re Cheating, Use a Fake Email Address
Really, this one seems so obvious but I guess it has to be said. Now, I’m certainly not endorsing cheating, but for the sake of your son who is now probably destined to a life in celebrity rehab centers, if you’re in the public eye and doing something bad, use a fake name. At least try to at first! After you exchange a few emails, meet up for a coffee, and then if you decide to trust her, give her your real name. But not just to any girl posting on Craigslist. It’s very easy to get another gmail or hotmail or even aol email account and use that one for all cheating purposes. At least make it seem like you put in the requisite amount of effort.
4. Don’t Resign Because of One Topless Photo
There are countless people who have been in your shoes, actually usually a lot worse and their careers have gone on just fine. This isn’t resignation worthy. If there’s a lot more to the story, then I can’t wait to find out. But so far, your discretions seem so benign, I don’t understand why you gave up so soon and I feel like you could use some better career advice as well. Think Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Rob Lowe. There’s nothing wrong with showing a little skin in today’s day and age and no one wants to date someone unemployed.
5. Don’t Lie About Your Age
It just makes you seem like you’re a liar. Be honest about being in your forties. Fortunately for you, there are plenty of twenty year-olds who will still date you. Girls find you distinguished. Better to be upfront about it, then risk being a liar which girls hate.
6. Back Off Your Pro-Life Stance
I know this doesn’t necessarily have to be related, but look, if you’re going to be the kind of Congressman who wants to hook up via the internet, I’d just stop presenting myself as a hard core family values guy who has a right to scrutinize other people’s sexual lives. A little back peddling right now, wouldn’t hurt.
7. Change Political Parties
Compared to a guy who cheated on his wife while she was being treated for cancer and fathered a child with his pseudo-videographer, you look down right quaint. Plus the Dems are so afraid of offending anyone, they’d probably take you with open arms to prove they’re not prejudiced against cheaters.
8. Admit When You Get Caught
Didn’t we learn anything from Nixon? It’s always the cover-up that makes it worse. Having your press agent release a statement that the only time you were on Craigslist was to sell furniture and then a day later, to release an apology for your Craigslist dating emails just makes you a laughing stock. Don’t try to worm out of it if she finds out. Be a man. Own up to your mistakes. Girls love contrition.
9. Stop Using LOL
I don’t know why this bugs me so much, but the thought of my Congressman flirting with a girl on his Blackberry by saying LOL is just really offensive to me. Until your campaign slogan is B 2gether or some such acronym, cut out the LOLs!
10. Try Eharmony
I hear they do the matching for you so you can skip over all the boring back and forth and there’s much less risk of ending up on Gawker.
I know it’s tough out there, but you just gotta keep believing there’s a girl out there for you. Happy Hunting Congressman!
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