Unless you’re one of the people in LA with your own helicopter (of which there are a surprisingly high number), you too are likely painfully aware that Carmageddon is approaching. For weeks now, Los Angelenos have been chattering about the impending doom that is just days away from gripping our fair city.
But as a Los Angeles native, one who lived in Sherman Oaks during the Northridge earthquake, was in Santa Monica during the O.J. chase, and lived in the Canyons during the floods/mudslides/wild fires, I want to reassure you that this weekend will not be as bad as it seems. Yes of course, the traffic will be a nightmare worse than you can possibly imagine, but if there was ever a city that has learned to thrive during disaster, it is Los Angeles. People come together like a small community to support one another and talk to or rather meet their neighbors. And if you are single in LA, this weekend, you should be frothing at the mouth over the excitement that potentially awaits. In light of this, I give you:
10 Reasons Why Single People Should Love Carmaggedon
1. If you are out at a bar this weekend – rest assured, no one wants to drive home this weekend. So if you meet a girl at a bar not too far from your apartment…
2. If the LA dating scene has been causing you severe anxiety, take advantage of the free counseling LA Dept of Transportation is offering this week to help people deal with carmageddon anxiety. According to Steve Lopez: Psychologists, personal transit planners and life coaches will help travelers come to grips with the trauma of breaking routine, as well as help them plan activities that don’t require use of the 405. “We anticipate a number of people suffering from disorientation, rage and general anxiety,” said an LADOT spokesman. Crisis counseling will be offered at the Warner Center Park on Topanga Canyon in Woodland Hills; Galpin Jaguar on Roscoe Boulevard, east of the 405; the John Wooden Center at UCLA; and the Los Angeles Science Fantasy Society of North Hollywood (where members will be encouraged to escape traffic problems by time traveling to a different weekend).
3. If you’re running late, instead of making your usual apology for being 20 minutes late because of the traffic, no one in the city, let alone your date will expect you to be on time anywhere.
4. Disasters can lead to romance – as Hollywood disaster movies have shown, in times of high stress and uncertainty, people need to turn to one another. Women feel more vulnerable and need comforting and male evolutionary impulses seem more sexy than ever before. Also, it has never been easier for a man to be a hero than in a disaster called carmageddon – if you’ve got an extra bike to loan out, you are like the only man in a post-apocalyptic town with drinking water.
5. If you go home with him, breakfast is likely to be part of the bargain this weekend. He literally cannot leave in the middle of the night and no one is going to be eager to get on the roads in the morning.
6. For practically the same price it would cost you to take a date out for dinner (i.e. - a nice dinner, valet, drinks, and a movie), you can take a romantic helicopter ride. Executive HeliShares is offering helicopter taxi service between the Westside and the Valley for 150$. Not only do you get to blow her away by planning this date, but you get to see what an empty 405 from above looks like during this historic weekend!
7. It won’t be weird if you are parked on the freeway and you mention to her that you have a tent in your car you don’t mind sharing.
8. 3$ dollar gridlock shots at South, 5$ Irish Car Bombs at Harvelles, 10$ Yoga classes at Yogis Anonymouse. Discounts galore! If you’ve been avoiding going out lately because of the expense, this is the weekend to change that. There are discounts everywhere. You won’t have to pay for valet because you shouldn’t be going anywhere you can’t walk to. Car-Mageddon.com and Where La’s Carmageddon Survival Guide have comprehensive lists of what’s going on. (Although Jet Blue’s 4$ (yes four dollar) flights between Long Beach and Burbank are reportedly sold out.)
9. Public transit is free. Free buses, subway rides. If you’re one of those people that says there’s no where to meet people in LA, hop on the subway and cozy up to the other first timers riding the LA metro. I have a feeling there will be a lot of newbies in need of navigating help.
10. You can remind her that there are literally no other options she could conceivably get to this weekend. As in that line about being the last man on earth/knowing of a detour with no closures/driving a bus through her love tunnel might finally work.
10. People will be walking everywhere - as in you don’t have to worry about falling for someone who lives on the other side of the hill from you. Finally, everyone will be heading to pretty much only where they can walk to. That means if you’re new to an area or just looking to meet locals, head to your closest coffeeshop/bar/restaurant/bookstore and meet the other locals that have planned to bunker down in their neighborhood this weekend.
So stay off the roads, enjoy Carmageddon, and embrace the love!