Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel
A District Judge has ruled that Julian Assange will be extradited and so he leaves to face his accusers. As a news junky, I’ve been fascinated with Assange for months and so I’ve been following his rape case rather closely. Or I guess I should say, alleged rape. There are two good articles on the subject that shed more light on the issue in Salon and The Daily Mail.
Although no one will ever really know what happened, from all the leaked documents and excessive reporting out there, it seems like Assange started to have consensual sex with Girl 1 (whom he was staying with and who organized the event he was there for), the condom broke, and he continued – she may have asked him to stop and he may have used his body weight to pin her down to finish. Girl 1 threw Assange a party the next night.
Three days later he had sex with Girl 2, one of his groupies at her apartment with a condom. He slept over and the next morning she was asleep when he started having sex with her. Presumably she woke up and assumed he was wearing a condom again but he wasn’t. Girl 2 wanted to stay in touch but was hurt that the encounter turned out to be a one night stand. Soon after, Girl 2 called Girl 1 for Assange’s contact info because of her fear about STDs and the two ended up confiding in each other. They went to the police station together to report the assaults.
Was this rape? It appears the answer to that question will be different in Sweden than in America. In Sweden, if the consent to have sex was given on condition that a condom be used and then the man didn’t use one, this is rape (albeit in the least serious category of three). In America, rape in many states can only occur if there is force, so if consent has been given, it probably can’t be verbally revoked. New York is a notable exception to this.
If you have already started the act of sex, and then the girl changes her mind and says stop but he continues, should this be rape?
Although many legal scholars have argued that America’s rape laws are antiquated and should be more akin to the laws in Sweden, I’m not sure that this is necessarily true. If we did have a rape law on the books like that, how forcefully does the girl have to revoke her consent? Obviously, it’s easiest if she’s kicking and screaming and desperately trying to get away, shouting “Stop!”
But what if consent has been given, the condom breaks and she says something like “we should stop this.” If the man continues, should that be rape? If the girl whispers “stop” one time, but doesn’t physically try to get him to stop and he continues, is this rape? Or say the man is wearing a condom and ten minutes into the sexual encounter, the girl says “stop,” he thrusts only one more time to finish and then it’s over. Is he a rapist?
These scenarios really bother me and despite my strong feminist leanings, I’m probably in the camp that says no, this isn’t rape. I know I’m supposed to talk about how a woman’s right to say no is limitless and anything less than full consent at every moment is rape, but this completely ignores the primordial context with which these verbal protestations are taking place.
Sex is an expression of our most basic animal instincts especially for men and I’m not sure a woman has the right to incite those instincts right up until moments before the apex of a physiological expression and then tell a man’s brain to take over and resist every animal urge in his body.
Before you all get your panties in a bunch about how I’m making an argument that men should get away with rape, let me be clear, rape is one of the most evil violative acts in the world. I’m not making an allowance for it or anything like it whether there’s a weapon or it’s date rape or she has given consent before. Of course women have the right to say no to sex – my question is: how strong does the no have to be? and is it physiologically realistic to be able to say no seconds before the sex is over?
We don’t have the right in this country to provoke people to their breaking point. For instance, the constitution protects free speech but does not protect “fighting words,” as in there are some things which it can be illegal to say to someone if it’s likely to cause an immediate breach of the peace. It’s understood in our legal doctrine that there are somethings which can be said which are so likely to cause a violent result that you lose the right to say it. Should there be a parallel in sexual assault laws? Is there some point of no return during the act of sex where it’s almost unreasonable to ask a man to stop?
I’m sure most of you will disagree with this suggestion and say that even up till the millisecond before climax, a woman has the right to say no. And although I’m on the fence, even if I concede that you’re right and I agree that no matter where in the sex act the couple is at, if she says no, it’s rape, it still leaves open the question of how strongly does she have to say no? What if the sex has started, the girl says clearly she wants to stop, but then the man says “are you sure” and then she doesn’t say anything again? These scenarios are endless and I have a real problem lumping these men into the sexual deviant category of rapists we all agree are evil.
If a girl merely says “we should stop” and he doesn’t, that’s not rape. That’s a woman who’s making a mistake and doing something she’s going to probably regret but that’s not rape.
I’m sure the truth in the Assange case has yet to fully come out, but if the case hinges on whether or not the woman merely asked him to stop or instead told him to stop or just suggested he stop, I worry we are headed down a road that gives truth to the adage that “in Sweden, a man needs a woman to sign a release in order to have sex with her.” I agree that No means no. But what does Yes…I mean well…I mean wait I’m not sure but I don’t think we should do this mean?
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February 24, 2011 | 11:16 am
Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel
A couple that are friends of mine, Gwen and David, have been going through some rough times lately. She’s a super smart, very pretty girl, who has dated a string of a$$h*l@s who have treated her like dirt. Probably something about being a little too nerdy to ever be that popular and never quite skinny enough to feel truly beautiful has kept her thinking the best she can do is a hot guy who’s probably not going to treat her that well. Until now.
She’s been dating David for almost a year and David is your typical Nice Guy. He’s friendly with everyone, he’s not traditionally handsome but he’s cute and probably cuter the more you hang out with him. Like all Nice Guys, he’s easy going and smart, completely unassuming; everyone always has nice things to say about him and he doesn’t just have sex - he engages in sweet love-making.
The problem is, David hasn’t figured out that he’s the Nice Guy and so the first time he gets in a relationship with the kind of pretty, accomplished girl which causes whisperings about how she’s too good for him, he stops acting like the nice guy to Gwen.
What is wrong with you?! Girls date the Nice Guy for one huge reason – they are sick of dealing with jerks. Actually, a lot of girls end up marrying these guys. Perhaps they do really win out. I’m not sure how it will turn out and I’m not recommending that women pick these guys. I’m just saying if you are the Nice Guy, you need to act like it.
I worry that David thinks that he’s finally got this great girl, and he doesn’t know what to do with a girl like this and so he is taking the advice of the a$$h*l@s. He’s suddenly playing games – waiting to call her back, prioritizing spend time with his buddies so he doesn’t seem too available, flirting with ex’s to make her jealous. He’s even broken up with her once but she she’s never broken it off with him. This just baffles me. You don’t date a guy like David to get treated like this.
I wonder if this is motivated by David’s self-esteem issues. Perhaps deep down, he doesn’t think he’s good enough for a girl like Gwen, so instead of trusting his own instincts, he thinks he has to be something he’s not to keep her.
Another girlfriend of mine recently had a similar encounter. Beth got set up with this guy who everyone billed as the Nice Guy. He has a great job, great pedigree, pretty cute and genuinely nice to people he meets. The problem is that he kept playing hard to get with Beth. He wanted her to know that he was dating other people, not looking for anything serious, too busy to be very available, and only available to see her infrequently. Beth immediately lost interest. That’s just not what she bargained for. She just wanted to be with a decent genuine guy who wasn’t constantly trying to game her. This guy clearly just didn’t get it.
Dating is bad enough when a bunch of a$$h*l@s are acting like a$$h*l@s. Putting up with a bunch of not cute second-rate lugs that are acting like a$$h*l@s is just intolerable.
February 23, 2011 | 10:00 am
Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel
My last post was about what’s wrong with women. This one is about what’s wrong with men. Two articles have been atop everyone’s cocktail party conversation this past week. In the first, Day of the Lout which appeared in the LA Times, Neal Gabler suggests in his own words that “unsophisticated, lazy, misogynist males may be the primary model for today’s young American men” which he attributes to a complete rejection of the subjugation they supposedly saw their fathers succumb to in an attempt to play the feminist driven sensitivity game. The second, from Kay Hymowitz in the Wall Street Journal, suggests that most twenty/thirty-something males are stuck in this slacker-worshipping prolonged adolescence because feminism has so drastically upended the role of men that this slap-stick pre-adulthood is an expression of our cultural uncertainty about the social role of men.
Both articles are good and I strongly recommend the read. And in fact, both are supported by another trend setting article in the Atlantic last year by Hanna Rosin called The End of Men where she essentially argues that modern society is better suited for women than men. But I remain unconvinced by Hymowitz and Gabler. These are elaborate theories to make successful women feel better about the emerging societal norm that there are more better educated women who are successful at younger ages and most importantly to absolve them of any culpability in this phenomenon.
But I don’t believe this a result of either a backlash against female success or confusion about the future role of men. I’d like to suggest another theory for what’s wrong with men today. They’re just lazy. That’s it, pure and simple. America values laziness and we’ve finally created a world where it’s possible to be lazier than we ever imagined. We don’t have to leave the house to learn anything, to do anything, or to get anything. In fact, we’ve created a society that puts a high premium on being lazy. We like to know that our Presidents sit on the couch, drinking beer and watching sports. We are constantly coming up with technological devices so that we can move less than we already were (ie – remote controls, sound operated light switches, voice controlled everything, electronic tablets). It seems like the goal of modern science is to create enough devices so that we can live life without ever moving more than an eyelid. Vacations are taken on cruise ships or at all inclusive resorts so that you never have to go anywhere. You can buy anything from almost anywhere and have it arrive at your doorstep. Men are just as likely to get together to sit on a couch and watch sports on a huge screen while drinking beer as they were thirty years ago, but there’s much more incentive to do it now since the plasma screens are in HD and there are 500 channels to choose from.
Now laziness is not a male dominated trait by any means and I in no way mean to imply that this is more inherent in men than women. Women would be just as lazy if we could. But we are constantly being made aware of our shorter shelf life for child bearing so to greatly over simplify, we push ourselves a little harder to speed life along because we’re afraid our time is going to run out. But if women were suddenly told they could easily get pregnant with healthy babies until they were fifty, you’d find the same rampant laziness among young women. Women would be on their couches surfing shoe sales like it was porn instead of forcing themselves to get out there and meet men. Or women would be willing to take a few more years traveling or living at home and starting that reversible lingerie line instead of being so career oriented. But most women want families and that means at some point, they’re going to have cut back on focusing on their education or jobs so if they want a career at all, the time to focus on it is now. Women just can’t afford to be as lazy as men.
One of the reasons that men have become so successful at cultivating this Peter Pan syndrome so prevalently is that women reward men for this behavior. Women are constantly afraid of emasculating men so every time these guys luxuriate in their anti-intellectual crude behavior, women say to themselves, boys will be boys like we dare not presume to tell a real man how to act.
This is most obvious of course when it comes to hooking up. There was a time when women rewarded gentlemanly behavior by accepting dates with and only with to men who acted chivalrous and abided by the cultural standards of decency. Likewise, the basest of men on the lower rungs of society were punished – they couldn’t find good mates or any woman at all to even lose their virginity with. But this is no longer true. Girls are constantly hooking up with complete wastes-of-space losers so what’s the incentive for them to change?
I was just on the phone last night with a girlfriend, who recently hooked up with a guy who has consistently blown her off. I kept begging her to delete his number from her phone. They’ll hook up, he won’t return her texts, and then a few weeks later, she’ll text him again. Then she’ll show up at 11pm at his house and the next day she’ll leave knowing that he’s probably going to ignore her for months again. Why oh Why?
Women have to take some of the responsibility for this behavior and it’s not because we’re all just so damned successful it’s intimidating men. I have another friend who financially supported her boyfriend on a waitressing salary so that he could start and run a “business” for years. I am guilty of this myself. A year or two ago, I dated this guy whom at the time I really liked. But he never wanted to do much of anything except sit around watch TV and play video games. At the time, I never said anything to him because I wanted to support his outside interests. But now when I think about it, I don’t understand why I didn’t tell him to get off his lazy drug-addicted a$$ and do something.
The other reason younger generations have been able to get away with this laziness for so long is our obsession with individualism and good old fashioned American pride. We need to “discover our unique talents and cultivate our specialness” by finding a job where we can let our inner light shine instead of just working for The Man. This idea, which is immortalized in movies like Office Space and even Weeds when it used to be good, that no one wants to be a cog in a wheel has allowed men to say “No! I won’t put on your monkey suit and work 9 to 5. I will stay in my pajamas all day and work from home developing useless software so that people can watch angry birds peck at each other.” The idea that this guy is doing what he loves is something we have come to overvalue to the point that a lawyer with a great salary is seen as a beaten down pushover who can’t stand up for himself, regardless of whether or not he likes his job. We as women are again rewarding this behavior every time we date some loser with no job who’s pursuing his dream. At the time, I thought I was dating a filmmaker, a musician, an actor, and an entrepreneur. But really I was dating a waiter, a telemarketer, a trust fund baby, and a guy with a lot of debt. Why would these guys go out and find real jobs in their twenties? They don’t have to work hard and girls keep having sex with them while they pursue their dream on their couch. Who would grow-up and leave that behind?
Lastly, the reason this generation of foolish lazy men has become an epidemic has to do with bravery. Women, going back for centuries, have been drawn to courageous men. The problem is that up until very recently, that used to mean something. Bravery used to mean being brave in a situation that called for it – fighting the draft, fighting for our country, standing up to other men in fights, risking your neck at your job in dangerous working conditions. But now, no one has to be brave anymore. We’ve created a world that has eliminated all risk and when there’s no risk, why would you ever need to face fear? So how can men show they are brave now? By going on Jackass! Technically I mean the show, but really if you’re just willing to act like one, that’s good enough for us. Get kicked out of a club, bully the weak, talk like Beavis and Butthead, imitate Jim Carey, revel in being fat, steal Stop signs. Floutting social conventions is one of the few ways left for a man to demonstrate courage. Which basically means, the stupider you act, the more your buddies will high five you, and the more women will buy into this notion that you are doing something manly. It seems so outrageous but I’ve seen it with my own eyes so many times; guys act stupid and girls mistake this for machismo and encourage the behavior. If you think this isn’t true, take a trip to any frat house in this country.
So now that there’s all this attention surrounding the retarded development of younger male generations, you’d think men might do something about it. But nothing will change unless women stop rewarding this behavior first. Knowing that this male inhibited-adulthood is really just driven by laziness and misguided buffoonery, you’d think that women would be turned off by this. But I’m not holding out hope. Until we start rewarding men for being anti-loutish, we best not criticize them for being louts. To answer Hymowitz’s question about where have all the good men gone, I’ll tell you where – they stopped showing up when we stopped asking for them.
February 22, 2011 | 2:46 pm
Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel
Tracy McMillan, a writer I really respect, posted an article on the Huffington Post this week that alleges to explain why you’re not married. She suggests that if you want to be married, there are six reasons why you might not be: you’re a bitch, you’re shallow, you’re a slut, you’re a liar, you’re selfish, you’re not good enough.
To me, this article is just a string in a long line of self-help books/mantras/seminars that women buy into because they’re convinced that something is wrong with them. These advice hucksters have no empirical evidence to back up their claims and the sad thing to me is that woman buy into it. I could probably come up with six good reasons why McMillan’s three marriages have failed but it wouldn’t make it true.
I’m going to break down her six reasons why women aren’t married and tell her why picking six adjectives does not a foolproof theory make.
1. You’re a Bitch
McMillan alleges that men don’t want to marry bitches. She’s right that men don’t want to marry someone angry. But how can you blame them? I don’t want to be around people who are angry. Life is fun and exciting and there’s so much of it out there and I can’t stand being around someone who’s negative all the time. So yeah, if you’re angry all the time, you have issues but you also probably know this already. Her allegation that there’s this entire cohort of women out there who are perpetually angry at men is completely antiquated. Modern feminists have shortened their skirts, pulled out their heels, and unabashedly inject botox – the short haired tough women of the 80’s don’t really exist in younger generations. So who are all these angry women?
The other problem with her theory is that she’s right that there are some women who are mean to their boyfriends. I do see it sometimes – women who are nagging their boyfriends or constantly criticizing them. But these women usually have no problem finding men with low self esteem to marry them – just look at all the bitchy wives out there.
2. You’re Shallow.
First of all, welcome to America – we’re all shallow! Name one girlfriend you have who doesn’t wear make-up, or one man who doesn’t care about the size of his, uhm, well bank account for one. Look at your closet and ask yourself what you splurged on that you couldn’t afford. I don’t care what size you are, how old you are, or how anti-establishment you think you are, almost all of us are shallow to some degree. I’m not proud of it or recommending it, but it’s a fact of life. Stop pretending you’re not and that that is the reason you got a bunch of men to propose to you.
Now that doesn’t mean I’m encouraging women to seek out men based on purely shallow means. I’m just saying, if you’re not in the least bit sexually attracted to the man, are you just supposed to ignore that? I agree just wanting to marry someone who is rich is shallow and not going to get you anywhere, but very few women who really want to get married are being held up by this. Most women are probably just looking for someone who is willing to work hard and wants the same things out of life. Wanting this is not an impediment to their happiness.
3. You’re a Slut
I agree casual sex is not going to put you on a path to marriage but I strongly disagree with the notion that casual sex is going to prevent you from getting there. Casual sex with someone you think is marriage material might complicate things. But just having had casual sex in general, has very little bearing on your ability to find a mate.
4. You’re a Liar
Alright, this one is tough because it sometimes can be true. If you’re in what essentially amounts to a relationship, as in sleeping with someone regularly and yet not in a committed relationship and continually telling the guy you don’t want to get married, yeah I’d recommend you stop lying. So I guess I agree with her to some extent that this might divert a woman from getting married.
However, the point is not to hook a man into becoming a husband by putting out positive feelings. The point is why close yourself off to any experience be repeatedly saying you don’t want something. Who knows what life might offer? Instead of concentrating on what you don’t want, focus on what you have and decide if that’s what you want right now.
5. You’re Selfish
Yes, I’m selfish. So are you. We all are and most people only realize that life is not about us when we have children. But nobody can force themselves to feel the awesome power of becoming a parent just because they want to get married. Nor is this necessarily attractive. Selfish people are in committed relationships everywhere. If you need some examples, I could offer you a very long list.
6. You’re Not Good Enough
If you think you’re not good enough, you don’t need a husband. You just need some therapy. Who knows if this is the reason you’re not in a relationship or not. Who cares? You have issues. Too many for anyone else to psychoanlayze.
February 14, 2011 | 6:36 pm
Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel
I have a complicated relationship with Valentine’s Day. When I was growing up, I lived in a predominately Jewish area and it seemed like just another peripheral holiday I didn’t celebrate, like Easter. I loved the candy that came along with these holidays, but aside from that, they didn’t really impact my life. In college, where hooking-up-consistently was about as committed as one could get, Valentine’s Day was another excuse to use our fake IDs on a weekday. Then it became the day a relationship started and so for a few years it had extra meaning and sanctimony. When we broke up, I dreaded Valentine’s Day more than I dreaded stepping on a scale my first year of college. But the day finally came and to ignore my heartache, that year I went with some friends to Lucent L’Amour which is an art/music festival-of-sorts put on by the Los Angeles Burning Man affiliates and I had a great time. PS – if you ever need to get your mind off something, I assure you there is no better way than to do something connected with Burning Man.
But now a few years later, I’ve settled into appreciating the Day for what it is – a cheesy highly manufactured greeting card driven holiday that just also happens to be a great excuse to say I love you. No matter what, I’m still a big believer in love and any excuse to let it hang on your sleeve is a good one.
A year ago tonight, Valentine’s Day was on a Saturday night and wanting to live up the salad days of my youth, I insisted on a raucous night out on the town. With two of my closest girlfriends, I went out and a hit up a few spots before ending up at The Roger Room. We joined some men at a booth where one of my friends, Martinique, met a boy who is now her current boyfriend. We all went back there this Saturday night to commemorate the occasion. A year ago, Martinique and I were commiserating about how miserable dating in LA can be because men have too many choices; this time I was sitting across from a deliriously happy couple. Her life has completely changed and I couldn’t be happier for her. But of course, I couldn’t help but notice the juxtaposition of our lives as I saw across from her. Have I made dating progress in the past year? Or have I just wasted a lot of time because after another year of dating, I’m in the exact same place I was last year, literally?
If you date and don’t end up in a relationship, have you just squandered precious time and energy?
Of course, in some ways, it would appear that I am in the exact same place I was a year ago. But when you factor in life outside of dating, this year has been full of so many good changes, it would be hard to recount. And of course, all those amazing career advancements, and emotional maturations, and memories made with family and friends over the last year have greatly informed my character and so I couldn’t possibly be in the same place. But then I think of all the time spent over the last year going out with creeps or talking on the phone or checking my phone for texts. What does it all amount to? That time was time away from things I love, and of course when you’re in love and looking back on that, you can easily say it was well worth it to get to where you are. But when you’re in between relationships, it’s hard to see what the point of it all is. So, I’m spending today, trying to remind myself that I have in deed learned quite a bit in Cupid’s arena this year and perhaps you have too.
For all the lovers out there, one of my favorite love poems by e.e.cummings for you:
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
For everyone else, I offer Ten Things I Have Learned in the Last Year From Dating
1. Check, double check, and triple check before hitting send on your iPhone when you are texting the words Devon asked Beth out! What a hussy! to your other friend Lacey and not directly to Beth.
2. Do not reply to flirty double entendre filled texts from your married boss because his wife will read his texts.
3. No matter how many times after dinner he assures you that he’s just inviting you to his house for coffee and doesn’t want to move too fast, he will try to take off your clothes.
4. Some professional Minnesota Twins players are dumb. So dumb that regardless of how cute he is, you can’t ignore his being dumb.
5. Cowards who go running back to the midget girl they dated before you will blame his relationship problems with her on you, so that she will bark expletives like a puppy being tripped on, as soon as she sees you above her.
6. What happens at Coachella stays at Coachella.
7. Some men will believe you when you tell them you want to have four children and name them after different pastas, such as Fusilli, Papperdelle, Cellentani, Gemelli.
8. When the man tries to pay for dinner with a coupon, you will need to leave your purse underneath the table to pretend to go back and get it to fix the tip.
9. You cannot be friends with exs because friends don’t hate each other or sleep with each other.
10. It’s ok to make an exception and make-out with someone younger than you when he has an Olympic Medal in snowboarding.
Proof that it is not all for naught I guess. Here’s to hoping I learn even more on my journey this year. Happy Valentine’s Day!
February 14, 2011 | 2:03 pm
Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel
A little something to cheer up any of those with broken hearts out there made by some very talented friends of mine about a Princess and the Prince of Persia. Ah, to be a Gyllenhaalic..
February 10, 2011 | 5:25 pm
Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel
In light of the recent news story regarding former Congressman Christopher Lee, I wanted to offer some help to a man who looks pretty down on his luck right now.
1. Don’t Show Your Best Assets Too Soon
Those guns are great, but if they really are your best feature, which I think is probably safe to assume, don’t show them right off the bat for free. Taunt her with them: tell her about them and make her ask to see them. Or get her to give you a photo first.
2. When sending pictures of yourself to anyone you want to woo, never use the pic you take of yourself in the mirror
There is no better way to tip off someone to your vanity driven megalomania than a picture taken in your own home by yourself of you staring in the mirror. If you’re attractive, you have plenty of photos other people have taken of you. Even if you think it’s not as good a photo, there’s no bigger turn off than finding out a man is more image-conscious than you are.
3. If You’re Famous and You’re Cheating, Use a Fake Email Address
Really, this one seems so obvious but I guess it has to be said. Now, I’m certainly not endorsing cheating, but for the sake of your son who is now probably destined to a life in celebrity rehab centers, if you’re in the public eye and doing something bad, use a fake name. At least try to at first! After you exchange a few emails, meet up for a coffee, and then if you decide to trust her, give her your real name. But not just to any girl posting on Craigslist. It’s very easy to get another gmail or hotmail or even aol email account and use that one for all cheating purposes. At least make it seem like you put in the requisite amount of effort.
4. Don’t Resign Because of One Topless Photo
There are countless people who have been in your shoes, actually usually a lot worse and their careers have gone on just fine. This isn’t resignation worthy. If there’s a lot more to the story, then I can’t wait to find out. But so far, your discretions seem so benign, I don’t understand why you gave up so soon and I feel like you could use some better career advice as well. Think Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Rob Lowe. There’s nothing wrong with showing a little skin in today’s day and age and no one wants to date someone unemployed.
5. Don’t Lie About Your Age
It just makes you seem like you’re a liar. Be honest about being in your forties. Fortunately for you, there are plenty of twenty year-olds who will still date you. Girls find you distinguished. Better to be upfront about it, then risk being a liar which girls hate.
6. Back Off Your Pro-Life Stance
I know this doesn’t necessarily have to be related, but look, if you’re going to be the kind of Congressman who wants to hook up via the internet, I’d just stop presenting myself as a hard core family values guy who has a right to scrutinize other people’s sexual lives. A little back peddling right now, wouldn’t hurt.
7. Change Political Parties
Compared to a guy who cheated on his wife while she was being treated for cancer and fathered a child with his pseudo-videographer, you look down right quaint. Plus the Dems are so afraid of offending anyone, they’d probably take you with open arms to prove they’re not prejudiced against cheaters.
8. Admit When You Get Caught
Didn’t we learn anything from Nixon? It’s always the cover-up that makes it worse. Having your press agent release a statement that the only time you were on Craigslist was to sell furniture and then a day later, to release an apology for your Craigslist dating emails just makes you a laughing stock. Don’t try to worm out of it if she finds out. Be a man. Own up to your mistakes. Girls love contrition.
9. Stop Using LOL
I don’t know why this bugs me so much, but the thought of my Congressman flirting with a girl on his Blackberry by saying LOL is just really offensive to me. Until your campaign slogan is B 2gether or some such acronym, cut out the LOLs!
10. Try Eharmony
I hear they do the matching for you so you can skip over all the boring back and forth and there’s much less risk of ending up on Gawker.
I know it’s tough out there, but you just gotta keep believing there’s a girl out there for you. Happy Hunting Congressman!
February 10, 2011 | 4:23 pm
Posted by Tamara Shayne Kagel
I’ve been debating whether or not to tell you all this. But I guess since I’ve already exposed more intimate details of my personal life than I care to remember, there’s no point in holding back now.
I’m not a big football fan. I come from an ilk where Superbowl days were spent in museums pondering why the theater doesn’t attract stadiums filled with sixty thousand people. But I do enjoy any excuse for day-drinking and my roommate, Anita, is from Wisconsin, so party for the Superbowl we did! During halftime, my roommate and I planned to change venues to make an appearance at a second location which meant we had to get from one end of Santa Monica to the other before the third quarter started.
After the first half of the game, driving to the second destination was no longer a responsible option; Anita and I wandered outside trying to figure out the best mode of transportation. A young bearded homeless man in a big overcoat, holding a brown cardboard sign, asked us for change. We walked right past him, the standard response from many Santa Monica residents who regularly offer up our beaches as homes when suddenly on impulse from where I know not, I shouted to him I’ll give you five dollars if you can beat us to Montana. Montana Street was at least a mile away and my friend and I had about a twenty feet start, when he yelled back really? I looked back over my shoulder shouted “really!” and took off, running as fast as I could, and Anita followed suit. With enough alcohol in my system to make me believe I could run forever, we were running hard through the streets of Santa Monica as he chased behind us.
Anita kept shouting, he’s coming! He’s right behind us and and eventually I could hear his footsteps as he neared us. Yes, I had a moment of self-doubt when I wondered whether I was exploiting the homeless for motives which weren’t quite clear to me, but he didn’t have to take me up on my offer. Besides, this guy could seriously run. We shrieked and yelled and eventually, within a few streets of our destination, we succumbed to the cramps the sudden boozy sprint had caused and the homeless men sped past us, with his back-pack bouncing wildly from his shoulders. He had won.
We gave him five bucks. He seemed very appreciative. I was sort of sad to see him walk away. (Side note - to anyone who thinks homeless people are lazy, how wrong you are. These people want to work. You should have seen this guy – he was fast and not just homeless fast.)
In any case, I tell you this because what really shocks me about the whole thing is the lack of interest all the denizens of Santa Monica had in what was unfolding behind their eyes. You’d think that two yuppie hipster girls running down the streets being followed by an indigent panhandler, screaming he’s right behind us would have alarmed some of the passers-by. But no! No one asked if we were ok or tried to intervene. People just watched the scene unfold. So be careful out there. Don’t get caught in the streets alone because next time the person doing the chasing might not be a man whom you’ve paid to follow you.