September 1, 2011 | 6:04 pm

Dealing with a boss who lies

Posted by Marcia and Dr. Rick

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Claudia writes: I have a boss that lies constantly and yells a lot. Sometimes he seems genuinely unbalanced.  Complaints to upper management have resulted in my being even more poorly treated. It’s clearly time to leave before I get fired so I am actively looking for another position. Should I report the screaming fits to Human Resources before I go? It seems like there is no possibility for a good reference from my boss, so why not try to effect some change?  On the other hand, this would most likely just worsen things for me during my remaining time.  What should I do?

Dr. Rick says:  I think the answer to your question is extremely clear.  It’s only a matter of putting things in the right sequence.  First, hold on to this job while searching for your next position and once you have secured it and given notice, then it makes sense to make your concerns known to Human Resources in the hopes that others might suffer less.  It makes sense to wait on any further complaints in an effort to make your day-to-day life there as pleasant as possible.

Coach Marcia B Says:  I agree with Dr. Rick in terms of the steps you should take.  My concern is for your references.  While you are searching for a job, you can ask future employers to please not contact your present work place, as they don’t know you are looking for a change.  Make sure you don’t whine about this job to anyone.  It’s not a good selling point.  Simply say the job was not a good fit for you but prepare a reason why.  Before you leave your company, ask Human Resources for a letter of recommendation or a promise that the dates of your employment will be the only information to be disclosed.  After all is said and done you can tell Human Resources what has transpired although I’m not sure way you haven’t talked about this with them.

Best wishes,
Marcia and Dr. Rick

August 9, 2011 | 12:43 pm

Job hunting woes

Posted by Marcia and Dr. Rick

Peter from New York City writes: 

I’m having difficulty finding a job. I finished a college degree in 2001 and haven’t found a full time job since. I’ve been applying online to job ads in various industries. I didn’t know what to major in but ended up with a major in Health administration. I wonder if I took some classes equal to a second degree, in a different major, would I then be able to find a job. If so what courses do you recommend. Is there something I can do or do I have to wait till job market improves.

Coach Marcia B Says: 

It’s already been ten years since you graduated.  You say you haven’t been able to find a job.  I find that hard to believe.  Most people don’t get work in their major but they are able to transfer their talents and abilities to find a place for themselves in any industry.  I can’t tell whether you are interested in Health administration but certainly the health sector is a place where there are jobs, even now.  My advice, take whatever you can get to get your foot in any door.  Then work hard and see what happens.  Sitting around waiting for an opportunity is a dead end.

Dr. Rick says: 

There’s something seriously awry in this story.  While I think healthcare is a fertile field, I have to believe that you are getting in your own way of securing a job.  You sound too scattered in your approach for looking for work and you need to focus this to a specific area and determine how you can be of service to a variety of companies that you would be pursuing.  You desperately need either professional coaching or some therapeutic help to guide you in presenting yourself in the most professional manner possible.  Ten years is simply too long for you not to be employed.

Best wishes,
Marcia and Dr. Rick

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September 1, 2010 | 7:15 pm

Marital Communication

Posted by Marcia and Dr. Rick

From Carmen

My husband & I have been fighting. It started a week ago as I got up to leave the table in protest of his negative comments. We fought over our children.  I think he behaved poorly when he didn’t come home from a party when our son was injured in a sports event and required a hospital visit.  I felt this was a blow to my son and I was very disappointed and angry.  I let him have it when we got home from the hospital. I then wrote him a letter expressing how I felt and I asked why he thought he had done nothing wrong. His response was I am not ready to discuss it”. I have a BIG problem with this.  What do you suggest I do from here?

Dear Carmen:

Both Marcia and Dr. Rick are sorry that you are so frustrated.  It is impossible for us to tell whether this is a particular situation that is upsetting you or if it is part of a larger problem between you and your husband.  It sounds as if you and your husband might have a big communications issue.  Whether that’s true or not, we think the obvious direction is for the two of you to revisit the circumstance in a calm, quiet moment, where hopefully you can both acknowledge each other’s feelings and concerns and move forward from there. Here’s an important relationship fact.  When you let somebody “have it”, the predictable response is going to be somebody who pulls away.  In the long term this is a recipe for marital strife. If this is a recurrent issue between you two, then we suggest that you consider some marital therapy.  Learning to talk to each other without recriminations goes a long way in helping couples to air their troubles.

Best wishes
Marcia and Dr. Rick

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May 17, 2010 | 10:45 am

My teenage kids hate my girlfriend

Posted by Marcia and Dr. Rick

Josh from Newport Beach

I’ve met a woman who really makes me happy.  But my teenage kids hate her.  I really can’t stand having to be in the middle.  Sometimes I think it would be better just to be alone without a love interest.  Should I stay in the relationship or go and find someone after the kids are out of the house.

Rick
Unless you could find some valid reason for your teenagers disdain for the woman you are seeing, I would encourage you to not allow them to control your right to have a partner in your life.  While I can readily understand the mixture of feelings that they have, their attitude probably has more to do with the loss of their family than their dislike of your friend.  They are probably displacing much of their hurt and anger onto the wrong person. Forge On

Marcia
I can speak from experience that being the woman in this triangle is really tough.  What I would want from a man in this situation is the unequivocal support that our relationship is important to him, as are his children, but that there needs to be a willingness for all parties involved to sit down together to make the relationships clear.  I understand why children want to keep their parents to themselves, but the father in this case really needs to make it understood to his kids that his happiness is also important and they might have a lot to gain in allowing his new partner into their lives.

Marcia and Rick
We seem to be in agreement.  We would like to include that if in fact you have a family powwow, you should use it to define the expectations and boundaries for all involved.  Both of us agree this is not up for a vote based on what the teenagers would like best.

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May 13, 2010 | 10:44 am

Husband’s love letter

Posted by Marcia and Dr. Rick

Sarah from Agoura Hills

I found a love letter on my husband’s computer that was written to an employee of our small business.  He might not have sent it to her but what do I do?  Fire her? Confront him?

Marcia
Clearly there’s a problem in your marriage. And from the sound of it -  there may be many problems.  You discovered a letter by snooping so already it tells me you have a trust issue with your husband.  And you found what you probably were looking for, a letter that most likely tells you that your husband is being somewhat unfaithful.  So it’s time to talk turkey with your husband and after you do that, if you want to save this marriage you go and get some professional help to find out how to resurrect your relationship.

Rick
I would agree with Marcia that there is no other alternative then to have a very direct conversation with your husband telling him how hurt and disappointed you are by this letter you discovered.  The primary issue is whether this is a marriage worth saving and the two of you need to confront how you got to this pivotal moment.

Our advice
Get help now.

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May 4, 2010 | 1:30 pm

Teens with marijuana

Posted by Marcia and Dr. Rick

from Cindy from Hollywood

I drove my boyfriend’s 15 year old son to a party when his father was out of town. Later, when I picked him up. He told me about the smoking, booze and marijuana going on.  What am I supposed to do with this information?  He’s not my son or even my stepson.

Rick

The fact that this adolescent trusts you to share this information with you says a great deal about the trust that he has in you.  I feel strongly that you have an obligation to share this information with his father.  I would say this whether you were his wife or as you’ve described currently, his girlfriend, but he has a right to know and decide how he best wants to respond to his son.

Marcia

I disagree to some extent with Dr. Rick.  I feel this boy has reached out to you to be able to talk with you and to tell his dad might cut off that line of communication.  However, the father probably does need to know so I would approach the boy to tell him that you are uncomfortable withholding this information and see what he says.  This might lead to a fruitful discussion especially if you got his dad to talk to his son without going ballistic.

Our Advice

Rick believes that the woman’s primary loyalty must be to the father and does not believe that the adolescent be given the power to decide what information is conveyed to his dad. Marcia thinks you chance that the boy will hide everything he does in the future from any adult period.  We both believe the best result would be an open conversation between dad and son mediated by the dad’s girlfriend who sounds caring and concerned.

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April 4, 2010 | 10:39 am

A three-way to spice up marriage sex?

Posted by Marcia and Dr. Rick

From: Maggie in Panama City, Florida
I’ve been happily married for almost seven years and must admit that the spark has gone out of our sex life. My husband recently suggested that we experiment with a three-way sexual encounter to spice up our sex life. What do each of you think?

Advice from Marcia:  
It is often hard to keep being excited sexually during a long marriage. In a long relationship, the sexual energy needs to morph into a deeper intimacy and pleasure in being with each other. If that hasn’t occurred, then you need to add some romance and change up your day- to-day experiences - but it does not include inviting another person in your bed. Think about making your lives less predictable with each other, and along with the acknowledgment of deep feelings, you can rekindle the sexual attraction you once had.

Advice from Dr. Rick:
For reasons that I cannot explain, most men relish the idea of being with two women. However, I do think that the risks to your marital stability are greater than the likely rewards will be for fulfilling what is largely your husband’s fantasy. I would recommend that you find some erotic literature or other material that expresses this fantasy that you could use to enhance your sexual life without acting this out.

Overall Advice:

Both Marcia and Rick say do not go there!!! No ménage á trois. However, being sexually open with each other, making efforts to keep this part of your life vital and novel, are the two actions we entirely support. That includes videos, sharing fantasies, literature, sex toys, whatever the two of you would find pleasurable.  And if this doesn’t float your boat, it might be wise to seek some professional help.

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March 26, 2010 | 1:38 pm

Dear friend becomes heavy drinker

Posted by Marcia and Dr. Rick

From: Sylvia in Queens, New York

One of my dearest friends has recently separated from her husband of 9 years.  In the last several times that we have gone out, she seems to be drinking more than ever. In fact, the last time we went to dinner she became belligerent and did not remember several of her very hurtful and hostile comments the next day. What do you suggest I do?

Advice from Dr. Rick: 
The problem you describe is unfortunately all too common and both serious and daunting. The fact that she had a blackout is an extremely serious indication of the extent of her alcohol abuse. As her friend I think you have no other choice but to have a conversation with her telling her of your deep and genuine concern for her behavior.

Advice from Marcia:
You need to step up and jump in. Your friend needs you now. She is mourning the loss of her marriage and probably would like to medicate herself into no pain.  But she is not a good drunk and her hostility is ready to erupt. You should not be afraid to take her out for a nice lunch and tell her what happened and how concerned you are about her.

We are in agreement that while your friend has good reason to be suffering, the manner in which she is choosing to cope with the pain and loss in her life is quickly becoming destructive and unmanageable. As her friend, we both think you are throwing her a lifeline and suggest that she seek either or both a support group and perhaps a 12-step program. Do not expect a pat on the head from your friend.

Get advice from Marcia and Dr. Rick at MarciaandDrRick.com.

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March 23, 2010 | 10:51 am

Boyfriend with spending issues

Posted by Marcia and Dr. Rick

From: Jordan in Chicago, Illinois

I’ve been dating a woman who is pretty perfect. I have a job and use my money to pay off my debts, which are considerable. I haven’t wanted to tell her that I have had a spending issue in the past. How can I tell her so she doesn’t run for the hills?

Advice from Marcia:

If you say she is pretty perfect, she will respond perfectly when you come clean about who you are. Women love honesty and you sound as if you have solved the spending problem. So just tell her.

Advice from Dr. Rick:

First let me say that your efforts to get your financial house in order are wise and I fully support your taking control of this part of your life. Until you are in a committed relationship, I don’t think you need to address this issue. You are on the road to recovery and unless your circumstances have a bearing on her day-to-day life, I don’t think you need to say anything at this point.

Overall Advice:

Marcia thinks that she will welcome your honesty and efforts. Rick thinks it’s un- necessary to put this on the table if you are not in a seriously committed relationship. Both Rick and Marcia are in agreement that if this moves to engagement, that all the cards should be on the table.

Get advice from Marcia and Dr. Rick at MarciaandDrRick.com.

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March 19, 2010 | 4:24 pm

Husband reneges on promise to have kids

Posted by Marcia and Dr. Rick

Jess in Palo Alto, California asks:
I’ve been married about a year to a woman I do love. Before we got married we agreed we’d start a family after a year. But I now realize I don’t want children. How do I handle this with my wife?

Advice from Marcia:
I think if you are serious about not wanting a child, you need to tell your wife about your change of mind and let her decide whether to stay with you or not.  She may opt for living her life with you, but to be sure, you can pretty well depend on the fact that she will harbor a deep resentment that is likely to appear in other forms. You need to soul-search and seriously consider the consequences of whatever you decide.

Advice from Dr. Rick:
First of all, it might have been helpful had you come up with this insight prior to walking down the aisle. However, that is not what happened. You made a promise to your wife, which I believe you should fulfill. I believe that unless you have some extraordinary reason for not having a child, given what you’ve told us, I think it will be a terrible loss for you, and potentially lethal to your marriage.

Overall Advice:
We land on different sides of this equation: Marcia believes that you need to be prepared for a divorce if you can’t reconcile giving your wife a child which she wants and expects. Rick believes that in your choosing this ultimately loving act of going forward in spite of your reservations, that your paternal instincts will be well realized.

Get advice from Marcia and Dr. Rick at MarciaandDrRick.com.

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March 18, 2010 | 2:11 am

My Daughter’s real father?

Posted by Marcia and Dr. Rick

From: Connie in Austin, Texas
My 14-year-old daughter’s biological father may be a man I had an affair with while married to my current husband who is the only father she has ever known. I have been tormented about this all these years and am hoping the two of you can help me figure out what is best to do. Do I tell my daughter? Doesn’t she have a right to know as she grows into adulthood?

Advice from Marcia:
My initial reaction is kind of pragmatic. I think if you knew that your daughter and husband were related, the whole problem would go away. I think it might be possible to get two samples of their hair and send it to a lab. If it turns out that the other man is her father, frankly, I think it’s best to let it go. What good is it for anyone to know this information? If there’s no chance of your daughter finding out from the other guy, I’d say, make peace with yourself and let it be. 

Advice from Dr. Rick:
This to me is a perfect example of the fact that blood is not always thicker than water.  Your daughter has a father and that is the man that she has known and loved and has loved her for fourteen years. I think you need to try to find a way to forgive yourself for the mistake you made, but to potentially complicate, devastate and perhaps destroy the family you have makes no sense to me.  Remember that your daughter’s welfare is the driving concern not the alleviation of your guilt.

Overall Advice:
Although we basically agree on the final advice: Marcia thinks there could be a chance that the horrible feelings Connie has may be nullified by finding out that there has been no issue over the paternity. Rick thinks why bother if the final decision is to let it be whichever way it might turn out. Marcia thinks it would take the burden off Connie’s heart if it turned out that the dad is really the dad. But Rick and Marcia agree on the important point that either way, Connie should forgive herself and move on. 

Get advice from Marcia and Dr. Rick at MarciaandDrRick.com.

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