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Toenail Recall

by Elliot Steingart

May 24, 2013 | 11:43 am

Prick

I'm taking medication to cure my foot fungus. My girlfriend, sister, brother-in-law, cousin, and childhood friends have made fun of my discolored toes long enough. Soon they shall see normal adult male toe nails. In no time I'll wear sandals without shame. And my girlfriend will actually want to play footsie!

 

The medication I'm taking is called Terbinafine. It's a generic form of Lamisal. Thankfully my physician prescribed the medication so I didn't have to visit a podiatrist. I prevented a second grown man from touching my feet.

 

One of my toes is more discolored than the rest. I took a photograph a few months ago so I could track how much it will improve. I was showing my girlfriend pictures that I took recently on my phone. As I toggled through pictures of me holding my niece Dylan, shots of Los Feliz, my new couch, we found ourselves looking at a high resolution image of my yellowish toenail. It's a disturbing image on camera so disturbing I had to send to my brother-in-law. If anyone, he would appreciate a framed selfie of my discolored, Freddy Kruger looking, jagged feeling left big toenail.

 

After two months my big toenail is looking less yellow. I see a toenail full of potential, one that can do anything if it works hard enough. It's only taken me 15 years to address this problem. I'm coming out now publicly in the hopes that I can be an advocate for all the embarrassed grown ups with foot fungus. My friends, it's time we take off the socks! There is hope. There is treatment. There is a man doctor who will touch your feet if you want. We don't need to end up like my father who because of foot fungus ordered laser toenail removal. It's a sad tale, really. The man lost his toenail. I will not walk in my father's shoes. That's what gave me the foot fungus.

 

I am no longer a victim. I am a proud member of Team Terbanifine. Who is with me?

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Elliot Steingart is a Los Angeles based comedian and writer who hosts a monthly comedy show, “Melgard Mondays” at Melgard Public House. Steingart has written jokes for...

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