February 15, 2012 | 11:33 am
Posted by Elliot Steingart
Last week I wrote about my tennis partner who solicits gay sex on Craigslist. He suggested I go on Craigslist to find a female sex partner. I dismissed the idea until I got home later that night.
After a few glasses of Dickel’s Tennessee Whiskey, I posted the following:
5’8, Easy Going and Ready to Go. (near Silverlake).
28 years old. Look like a cross between Zach Braff and Jerry Seinfeld. Happy to host. Pic for pic.
I took some liberties so I wouldn’t be outed. I lied about my height and age. I’m not 5’8 or 28. hahahahah! I’m 5’7, and 27!
What would become of the night? Would I drink more Dickel’s and sit by the computer? Would I delete the post, and pretend I wasn’t seeking sex on the internet?
I needed to channel my adrenaline, and make a move. Once the thought occurred there was no turning back. There I was three Dickel’s deep and off to see an NC-17 movie by myself.
You try going up to the box office and say I’ll have one for “Shame” with a straight face. The box office manager repeated into the microphone in pure Dolby Digital surround sound, “That’s 1 for Shame?”
Her confirming my GA ticket to “Shame” only echoed from Echo Park to Eagle Rock.
“Shame” follows Michael Fassbender having sex with things for 90 minutes. His performance was amazing. His acting was good too.
The film documents the emptiness and emotional pain that results from sex addiction. Not the best movie to see before your first try at Craigslist sex.
The next morning I returned back to normal checking my email when I discovered some surprises. The first surprise was from “Adella” who wrote the following:
“Interested? I can send pictures.”
Adella’s email address included four $$$$ leading me to believe she was not a real person, or it really was Grammy Award winning sex fiend Adele and the extra L and A in “Adella” were part of the facade.
I didn’t respond, but I did enjoy her performance on the Grammy’s.
The second email was from Sharon:
“New approach—look like a cross between Zach Braff and Jerry Seinfeld.”
Sharon sent the email at 7:50am. I hadn’t even had a cup of coffee yet and she’s emailing me for morning sex. How much Dickel’s did she put in her coffee?
I didn’t want Sharon to know my name, or email. I asked my buddy if “ljohnson28” would be a good fake email address.
“Yea, tell her your name is Leroy.”
That’s genius, I thought. You can picture a guy who looks like a cross between Braff and Seinfeld would be named Leroy Johnson.
“Nice to meet you. I’m Leroy Johnson. Never had an STD, and don’t plan on getting one. You?”
While eating dumplings at a round table with 15 of my co-workers I told everyone how I drank Dickel’s and saw an NC-17 movie by myself. I received looks of pity.
“I think you need some friends,” someone remarked.
Before I could blame it on the pervert juice some one exclaimed, “I want to see Pina in 3D.”
Had they got a hold of the Dickel’s too? 3D Penis? “I don’t want to see Penis in any dimension.”
Sharon does, but she aint hearing from Leroy. The last thing Leroy needs is a glass of Dickel’s.
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