Jewish Journal


Period Piece

by Elliot Steingart

June 6, 2012 | 11:11 am

Going with the flow

Since renegotiating my premium cable package my life has improved exponentially. I have a girlfriend and a wide selection of PG-13 movies. It’s satisfying to know that my needs are met almost automatically.

I know that life’s pleasures don’t always come on demand.I try to make the best of the situation or else fake it the best I can.

For many reasons, I thank my girlfriend for having her period this week. For one, her menstruation has become a source of inspiration for this blog. Periods test a three month relationship. What was once a quick fix for us is now a shared sacrifice.  I’m part of the period cheering her on as she conquers the latter days of her menstrual cycle. Periods are like a 5k for vaginas and I’m there at the end to give her a big hug, and pat on the back. If she’s up for it, I’ll take her out for fro-yo.

You have to make the period fun, and lighthearted. Thanks to Showtime On Demand, she and I watched “The Beaver.” Mel Gibson played a very convincing manic depressive psychopath.  The movie wasn’t the most uplifting period piece, so the onus fell on me to come up with some better activities.

Running low on ideas, the two of us visited Albertsons twice in the last two days. Secretly Albertsons is a perfect place to spend time with your girlfriend. It holds a special place in our hearts.

On one of our first dates I told her to meet me at Albertsons where we could buy a bottle of wine before figure out our next move. First she had to find me without using a cell phone. A certain amount of risk was involved. I didn’t want to be caught redhanded holding a hard salami stick. I swiftly wheeled past the seafood and took a hard left at the deli. I ordered the $4.99 deal which is two chicken breasts and two salads, and then I asked for half a pound of turkey breast. I was asked “what’s next?”

“I’m going to check out someof the aisles,” I said. “Maybe buy some pineapple juice.”

She caught me deliberating between Dole drink and Minute Maid. Three months later we are buying couscous together. I am staring at the beer specials when I hear, “Come on. You’re not buying any of that stuff.”

Thankfully I’m reminded that we are cutting down on weeknight drinking. I’m also working on avoiding lottery scratchers, my greatest vice. When I thought I was making progress, Albertsons introduced their Sizzlin’ Summer Sweepstakes. With each purchase you have three chances to win a new gas grill or up to $500 cash. I have a burgeoning Sizzlin Sweepstakes collection. So far all I’ve won is 50 cents off Keebler Club Crackers.

To improve our chances we have agreed to go splitsville on our collections. We are trying to combine all of our pieces and match them to see if we have some winners. It’s a temporary solution to my bad lottery habit.

After work we’ve started running and hiking past white people walking their dogs through the residential part of Los Feliz. More fresh ideas will come soon, I hope.

Sometimes devising plans for you and your girlfriend gets tricky, just like writing a new blog every week. The beauty of having editorial control is I can write about my girlfriend’s period and praise Mel Gibson on the Jewish Journal’s website. The best part about having a girlfriend you really like is it doesn’t matter so much if she is on her period. It all works out in the end. At least it did this month.

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Elliot Steingart is a Los Angeles based comedian and writer who hosts a monthly comedy show, “Melgard Mondays” at Melgard Public House. Steingart has written jokes for...

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