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Last Will and Testament

by Elliot Steingart

August 15, 2012 | 11:44 am

Quiet Section

I need to clarify that I wrote last week’s blog as a joke. Yes, my girlfriend and I quarrel from time to time. We both like to get our own way and that sometimes creates tension. My girlfriend isn’t trying kill me because she clenched my pinkie at Albertsons.

Then I read some of my blog comments, like this one from her friend Maggie describing my girlfriend as someone who “personally seeks out the site of the Hollywood Manson murders on Cielo Drive and and stops in front of the Black Dahlia house for a “photo op.” Sleep with one eyed open,” she suggests.

Dawn, her own mother, posted a comment. “Be careful of any long boat trips.”

Even an impartial reader named Jared noted, “Pretzels! Clearly she’s trying to kill you.”

Time is of the essence. I can no longer dilly dally and take the imminent threat on my life lightly.

My last will and testament will be short as I do not have very many assets. I leave my girlfriend my student loans. I have an automatic payment set up for the 13th of every month. It is a small price to pay for my murder, but I do ask that you pay on time. Please inform them had I known I would be paying off student loans this long I at least would have gotten a better meal plan.

I also bestow to you my collection of Albertson’s Sizzling Summer Giveaway pieces. Please first apologize to Javier from Albertsons about the time I asked him to explain to me the rules of the game and then a moment after asked another employee the exact same question. I did not hear what I wanted to hear the first time and was upset that I did not in fact win $1,000,000. He will understand. Please then ask him for an additional game piece.

You will need to sort through the many assorted pieces on my kitchen table. I am two game pieces away from a $1,000 gas grill and one piece away from a whole new backyard. I do not have room for a gas grill or a whole new backyard in my studio apartment. For these reasons, the gas grill and new backyard can go to my parents. I realize you have not met them yet and that you are planning on killing their son. My parents want to meet you. They are also forgiving. These gifts should help them forget about me as they enjoy the newness of the backyard and the fresh tasting garden burgers if they can figure out how to operate the girll.

I give my record collection to Rockaway Records in Silverlake.

My baseball cards will be endowed to Jewish Big Brothers Big Sisters.

My pink shirt will go to the Jeff Griffith Youth Center in West Hollywood.

I wish to be buried in a Jewish Cemetary. I also want to rest in peace. Please make sure I’m in a quieter section.

I would like a simple funeral. Please invite some of my coworkers, my soccer team and family and friends who text me back only.

I would like my dad to give my eulogy. He has permission to share the sad news about the accident at the army base. The one in which a Jeep ran over a box of popcorn and killed two colonels. That is the only joke he can tell. I permit him to tell it twice.

I would like a picture on my grave so strangers knew I looked like National League MVP Ryan Braun. Underneath my photo you can include a few quotes as well, and name my place of employment. I accept the inevitable truth that my gravestone will look like my Facebook page. And like my Facebook page, few people will visit.

Individuals interested in making a donation can donate directly to the Elliot Steingart foundation, a 501C3 Non-Profit Organziation committed to reducing the age of acceptence into a Rated R movie from 17 to 12 years old.

I have never written a will before so I do not know the exact formalities for closure. It was a pleasure writing this will and thank you for reading. And thank you for not asking who will get my money.

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Good play on joke!! smile But it does make me worry since you haven’t blogged in a while. Thanks you are a good writer!!

Comment by Dawn on 8/21/12 at 3:57 pm


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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Elliot Steingart is a Los Angeles based comedian and writer who hosts a monthly comedy show, “Melgard Mondays” at Melgard Public House. Steingart has written jokes for...

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