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Jewish Journal

Honest with Girls

by Elliot Steingart

January 25, 2012 | 11:33 am

Truth Teller

I was asked to sit on a panel about being single. I’m like an expert at not having a girlfriend. I’m honored and look forward to sharing personal stories about my sex life in front of strangers, like when I perform comedy.

I have nothing to hide, and try to always be honest. I would say I’m honest except if I’m uncomfortable telling the truth. At the end of the work day on Friday our CEO’s daughter and her Girl Scout troop infiltrated my cube.

“Do you want to buy some Girl Scout cookies?”

“Sorry girls, I don’t have any money on me.”

“Oh! That’s okay. You can pay when you get the cookies!”

I was caught in a lie, so I told the truth. “Thanks, but I’m trying to lose weight.”

The girls ran off to Matt’s cubicle where I overhead them giggle and shout “He’s not buying cookies! He wants to lose weight!”

I was the only one in the office to reject these cute little girls right to their face. I felt bad, and as I was leaving I overheard one of the scout’s mothers announce the proceeds of the cookie sales will be sent to the troops. I left for the weekend rather quickly!

I appreciate being honest because it gives an indication of just how weird you are. I’m fine being vulnerable if it leads to sex. There are so many girls in their 20’s around town who’ve gotten to know me. They didn’t sleep with me, but at least they know how I felt after my grandma died.

On a second date with Lori, we saw a play at the Skylight theatre in Los Feliz then sat in a romantic outdoor space between two heat lamps. Lori and I had a connection rather instantly. Both of us couldn’t stop smiling when we met for coffee a few days earlier. Lori, unlike many of my previous dates, asked wonderful open ended questions that kept me guessing.

“What do you like to eat?” she asked.

Not an easy question to answer, but I answered the best I could.

“Now that I live on my own I eat a lot of weird food because no one is there to judge me. I’ve been eating a lot of green beans and Kashi. My move is eating handfuls of Kashi crumbs over the sink so whatever doesn’t land in my mouth falls in to the sink. What kinds of foods do you like?”

“I like all sorts of food.”

“Do you like Thai food?” I asked.

“I’ve actually never had Thai food.”

“Wow!” I exclaimed.

If I had more time to think I wouldn’t have described Thai food as a “Cousin of Chinese.” 

“You’ll love Thai food,” I assured her.

I barely knew her, so I really had no idea if she would. I just knew I loved Thai food.

We talked about work, and she asked me another riveting question to which I had never before answered. “What is the worst job you ever had?”

“Hmm.” I thought. “Probably working as a waiter at a country club. I would wait on a member named Dr. Gross. I didn’t know his name for the first couple months so I called him Mr. Davis.”

“Why didn’t you know his name?”

“I don’t know, but he never corrected me. The first time he ordered chicken he told me he wanted it rare. ‘Can you make sure it’s a little pink?’ he asked.”

“Wait. What?” She interrupted.

“Yea, I know. So I said, ‘you sure you don’t mean beef?’ He insisted he wanted chicken. It’s a country club so if he wants raw chicken, we’ll give him raw chicken.

“That’s crazy!”

“That’s how you know you’re not at a top tier country club. When you’re members eat raw chicken and don’t even know their own name.”

She laughed, and I did too.

We walked to another of my favorite spots in Los Feliz, “The Drawing Room.” I offered her a sip of my Pabst since she never tried one before.

“It’s great. Isn’t it?”

“Yea, it is.” She remarked.

“Do you like to walk?” I asked.

“I love to walk. How about you?”

“Me too. I especially like walking away from my problems. ‘You need to talk to me about something important? Actually i’m just going to walk over here for a moment.”

“You’re funny” she said.

Lori’s questions lead me to think that she is in fact interested in getting to know me. I too am interested in getting to know her, but will take things slowly for fear that if things do work out then I may not have much more to write about for this blog. Just being honest.

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You are hilarious and I like the sounds of Lori.
DO NOT become her boyfriend before you speak on the panel!

Comment by ILANA ANGEL on 1/25/12 at 12:51 pm


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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Elliot Steingart is a Los Angeles based comedian and writer who hosts a monthly comedy show, “Melgard Mondays” at Melgard Public House. Steingart has written jokes for...

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