Jewish Journal


Girlfriend’s Nightstand

by Elliot Steingart

November 1, 2012 | 10:47 am

Summer Salad w/Sea Crusted Crustations

Relationships are about compromise which is why I gave my girlfriend a night stand. She spends enough time at my place that she deserves an end table. While I accept her nightstand is hers to decorate, the chaos on her nightstand looks like it was caused by Sandy.

My nightstand is clean and uncluttered. I house my glasses, keys, and pocket change along with Charles Grodin's 2009 memoir, “How I got to be Whoever it is I am.” It's a 60 year old man's nightstand. The key essentials are within arms reach. Beyond the promise that stories of Charles Grodin's Bar Mitzvah will put me to sleep, I require nothing else but an an appropriate temperature to doze off.

My girlfriend does not sleep as well, and her nightstand is a reflection. Next to her bed she keeps Melatonin, a hormone to make her sleepy and two bright pink ear plugs. Sleeping next to me is clearly a challenge. I appreciate that. I snore a bit and make jokes in my sleep. I tried to help her fall asleep better by placing a framed picture of me and my late Golden Retriever, Cody Boy on her nightstand. In response she stuffed a red flower inside an empty beer bottle. It took me a while before I even realized where the flower came from.

“You took a flower from the Korean BBQ buffet?” I asked her.

“You weren't going to buy me any,” she sassed.

I believe there is a better place for a red flower growing out of beer bottle. That place is her apartment. There is more to her nightstand than sleep medication and arts and crafts. She has reading material on her nightstand, a hard bound copy of “365 Days of Salad.” It took me a moment to figure out how “365 Days of Salad” found it's way into my apartment.

“Did you take this from the fundraiser?” I asked.

“You don't buy me books,” she retorted.

“So you saw '365 Days of Salad' and thought to yourself, I have to have that. I need that much salad?”

I like salad fine, but what would be achieved by having this salad bible bedside? It's a glorified cook book, an index of exotic and organic greens. The author describes “A medley of corn with glossy black beans, pale gold quinoa and red tomatoes and bell pepper make a colorful, eye-catching salad.”

“Eye-catching” but not before bed. A fall salad of apples and walnuts of stilton cheese? This book makes up its own cheeses.

For someone who reads so much about salads, it would be nice if she actually made one from the book. Her salad of Blue Moon and sleeping pills is not featured in “365 Days of Salad.”

The thought of separating chick peas from leafy greens is enough to keep me up at night. Not too mention the time Lovebirds in Pasadena placed their fruit tray atop shreds of romaine. Lettucey cantaloupe, the stuff of nightmares. And looking at “365 Days of Salad,” the flowery beer bottle, the bright pink ear plugs, that might soon keep me up at night!

My hope is that a new day will rise when the nightstand will return to its original state.  The Melatonin will find itself in the medicine cabinet and "365 Days of Salad" will be donated to Lovebirds. Maybe not before feasting upon potato salad with fava beans, green garlic and creme fraiche to be served on her clutter free night stand.

Tracker Pixel for Entry


View our privacy policy and terms of service.




Elliot Steingart is a Los Angeles based comedian and writer who hosts a monthly comedy show, “Melgard Mondays” at Melgard Public House. Steingart has written jokes for...

Read more.