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Elliot Steingart: The Jewish Journal Interview

by Elliot Steingart

May 1, 2014 | 10:32 am

Wack Bagels

 I know you are busy so thanks for taking the time to talk. It's a real pleasure.

Yes, of course.

You were recently in Las Vegas. I know in the past you have experienced some low points. Was this trip any different?

 

Right after seeing Blue Man Group at the Monte Carlo everyone followed my lead so we could make it to Cesears Palace in time so my girlfriend and her college friends could take a “girls picture.” Overcome by the sheer amount of people in our way, and the Vegas heat, I hurled my drink  6 feet into a bush. The ice in the drink flew right past my girlfriend's head. 

 

How did your girlfriend react?

 

 She made me take 39 girls pictures.

 

I hear you are playing in a coed soccer league. How is the transition from a men’s league to coed?

 

In the first game a defender stole the ball from me. I tripped over his foot, stood up and kicked the back of his ankle. The referee blew his whistle. The opposing team on the sidelines began to whale “Yellow Card, ref!" And began to  "Boooo!!!” I returned to my feet, ran past the five or so 30 something guys and gals and flipped both birds, yelling “Fuck, youuuuu!!” to the entire sideline.

 

What happened after that?

 

I was given a red card.

 

Wow

 

Not my proudest moment. I immediately apologized to the opposing team and my own team, and as soon as the game ended, ran up to the ref telling him that behavior was uncharacteristic.  The referee told me he would not report the incident to the league. In a group email sent by our goalkeeper I was given the name Elliot “Red Card” Steingart. Funny name.

 

If you are throwing drinks in Vegas, and getting Red Cards playing coed soccer, how do you keep calm at work?

 

I pick my battles. Every Thursday our office manager Richard brings us bagels. Richard stopped getting sesames, and poppies. Lately he is bringing us rejects like cranberry raisin, oat scones, and spinach croissants. Even the pumpernickles are more mulatto than black.

 

Did you talk to Richard?

 

I pointed out that the same bagels each are going uneaten and that it would be nice to have a greater variety. He agreed.

 

Your company must really value your contributions.

 

Well, we are still getting the same bagels, even after I told my buddy Scott in the office to talk to Richard. I told our CEO who is aware of the situation.

 

You sure know how to pick your battles…

 

It's all about leading by example. I try not to curse anymore at work, especially now that  I hear my team losing their temper. I had to tell my team that referring to clients as “assholes” and “dickheads” is not professional.

 

What are you excited about this summer?

My girlfriend and I are taking a vacation in July. We were deciding between Los Cabos and Portland.   We decided on the all inclusive over the all exclusive.

 

That will be a great time.

Yes, and I'm hoping to play raquetball with my girlfriend's dad.  His raquetball partner broke his hand so now is my chance.

 

Have the two of you spent much quality time together?

We have walked to the car together a few times. We also text each other before major sporting events. It would be fun to wack some balls together.

 

Have a good summer, Elliot.

 

Thanks, man.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Elliot Steingart is a Los Angeles based comedian and writer who hosts a monthly comedy show, “Melgard Mondays” at Melgard Public House. Steingart has written jokes for...

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