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Dating Elliot Steingart

by Elliot Steingart

June 20, 2012 | 11:13 am

Boyfriend

“Dating Elliot Steingart”

I’m tired of writing about myself, so I asked my girlfriend to write about me.

“I have been dating Elliot Steingart for close to three months now. I like how he sends me special sneak previews of his blog. Even when I need to get to sleep Tuesday nights, since I like his blog the best, I will stay up late to read the brand new “Some Reservations.” Of course, when my Dad reads his blog it can get awkward when Elliot talks about sex with his lady friend…

 
I like spending time in his sleek and modern studio apartment. Elliot constantly asks what I think of his apartment and I give him approval by saying, “Your kitchen table is great.”  We have to sit in different parts of the apartment to get a different view. It’s hard because in the studio there is not much undiscovered territory. Every time Elliot finds a new spot he gets excited. “I like this spot, great view of the apartment. New vantage point.  What do think? Do you like my place?”

I appreciate how he always does his “chores.” To Elliot chores include folding a blanket to put away in his closet and wiping the kitchen floor with a paper towel then asking me “What’s the best way to get clean the bathtub?”  I usually end up washing the dishes and am still trying to introduce him to a Swiffer.  He says he has one but the floor is still being cleaned with paper towels.  He’s currently out of paper towels, and the floor is not clean.

Elliot is very helpful when it comes to finding my favorite television programs.  Each night, like clockwork, I ask “Is there any crime on television?” and he never lets me down.  “NBC should have some good crime. Or should we watch 48 hours?” He says, as he flips deftly through the cable guide.  I know I can count on a man that can find me some good crime. 

I can always rely on Elliot to motivate me when we run.  Not only is he a top-notch personal trainer, lightly tapping my ass every block to keep me going through the torturous hills of Los Feliz, but he often saves my life, as I like to step out in front of moving vehicles.  I can’t tell you how many times he has yanked me back from certain death as an SUV whizzes by.
 
I’ve never dated anyone like Elliot who does imitations in the nude. Whether it’s weighing in for Weight Watchers, pretending to talk to his coworkers or doing an impression of a celebrity, I am always surprised when he does so without wearing pants.  It keeps me on my toes.  One of his best impressions is Arsenio Hall.  Elliot loves Arsenio and he often hoots and pumps his fist like Arsenio did the time he won Celebrity Apprentice.  It’s endearing, except after sex.

Elliot isn’t perfect and he tends to lose his temper when I do things like spill red wine on his jeans.  In my defense, we were in a cemetery watching Nightmare on Elm Street and Freddy Kruger was creeping towards us.  He often is too honest telling me things like “your skirt looks it came from an old ladies closet” or “that belt is weird.”  He wants me to know what is on his mind.  Most often it’s not what a lady wants to hear.

Yes, we have our religious differences like Elliot calling Jesus names like Jesus Christopher.  But in the end this Episcopalian really likes dating a Jew and I think we get along very well, but I don’t believe him when he tells me that Billy Crystal was mentioned in the story of Leviticus. 

In conclusion, dating Elliot Steingart is just swell.”

Hopefully, she’ll write my next blog: “Elliot Steingart, World’s Best Lover.”

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This is hilarious- looking forward to the next post.

Comment by Andrew Alt on 6/20/12 at 11:40 am


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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Elliot Steingart is a Los Angeles based comedian and writer who hosts a monthly comedy show, “Melgard Mondays” at Melgard Public House. Steingart has written jokes for...

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