People say they don't really know me.
That's what the last guy I dated said.
It seems that in the process of revealing myself on the page to total strangers, I've lost the ability to communicate myself in person to those who want to get to know me. Read all about it, is maybe what I should say. The last guy -- well, I don't really want to talk about him because that would be too personal -- never read up on me until after his father, a big fan, told him about me. But by then it was too late. I hadn't shared myself with him, we didn't really connect, and it was over six weeks after it began so promisingly.
Look, I'm not taking all the blame for this one. My experience in the dating world -- and if I have anything, it's experience -- tells me that the coming together of two people, or the failure of their coming together, is two-sided. He, being a never-married man of advanced age, probably has issues up the wazoo -- commitment, attachment, abandonment -- who knows? I wasn't there long enough to figure them out. So it can't be all me. It probably wasn't even mostly me.
But still, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I had been more communicative.
"You're pretty much a mystery girl," he said to me a number of times while we were dating.
I couldn't understand this at the time, because I feel like an open book.
"Ask me anything, and I'll tell you the answer," I said, but that wasn't his point.
He felt like he shouldn't have to ask, that I should have volunteered the information as it came up.
Not everyone's a busybody journalist like myself, who peppers people with questions, questions, questions.
"Sometimes I feel like you're interviewing me," he said, also more than once.
I wasn't interviewing him. I don't think I was interviewing him. OK, I was interviewing him for the position of my boyfriend (he didn't get the job), but have I really so confused my job with my personality that I don't know how to get to know someone without putting on the reporter's mask?
I am starting to worry about myself. Now that the smoke has cleared from the sadness of the end -- yes, I always get sad in the end, no matter how brief, how inappropriate, how missed the connection was -- I can see what transpired. And I'm worried I have become my persona, a facsimile of myself.
"You talk a lot but you don't reveal much," a new-ish friend of mine recently said while we were having a girls' lunch. True, she's not my best friend and probably never will be, but it was interesting to hear this point of view.
"Do you mean I'm full of it?" I wanted to know.
"No, not at all," she said, "but I don't really know what's going on with you -- which is not necessarily a bad thing, it's better than a person who tells everything to everyone."
It's funny, because I thought I was that person. I thought I was the person who wears her heart on her sleeve -- her heart on the page, in my case. But the other woman at lunch, whom I consider a good friend, said the same thing.
"You keep things pretty close to the chest," she said.
Doesn't everyone do this? Doesn't everyone have a very, very select group of people to whom they will cry, worry, rant, rave? Is it just that I have a wider circle of people, professional and personal, who are not in this select circle? Or, in my quest for privacy in a public world, have I become inscrutable?
What really plagues me in the early morning hours -- reveal: I have sporadic insomnia -- is what would have happened with this guy if I'd shared more of myself? Would we still be together? I'm guessing not. I'm guessing there was something in me that sensed he wasn't the one for me, so I didn't open up.
But now I wonder if I've got it all backward. Maybe I don't need to see if someone is right for me to be myself.
Because in the end, after six weeks of a relationship that didn't work out, maybe I saved myself a tear or two -- after all, I console myself, we didn't really connect, he didn't really know me -- but ... he didn't really know me. And this, this guy, these dates, is less about him than about me.
What it's about -- not only the endgame of finding a life partner, but the entire process of dating, meeting, connecting -- is to be yourself.
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Posted on Apr. 26, 2007 at 8:00 pm
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