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And nothing but the truth

by Marilyn Anderson

December 14, 2006 | 7:00 pm

Internet dating -- everyone does it, and everyone complains about it. Why? The guys think the girls lie, and the girls think the guys lie. And the truth is: everybody lies.

Well, almost everybody -- not me, of course.

It's a familiar problem that both genders complain about: the photos aren't current, the ages aren't accurate, the incomes aren't honest and half the time the people don't even write the profiles themselves. Did you know you can hire someone to write your profile? A "regular" profiler is $59 -- but if you want a "master" profiler -- it's $299.

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So just imagine: You walk into Starbucks and scour the place for that gorgeous, young, rich and intelligent hottie you found on the Web.

Who taps you on the shoulder? Your "perfect match": 20 years older, 40 pounds heavier, and who, according to their profile, sounded like the funniest, most clever and romantic person in the world.

But face to face, your "hottie" is a boring dud who can't put two sentences together.

How can people lie like that? And what do they expect their "match" to do when they meet them? Fall in love? I don't think so.

So, after much thought, careful consideration and a gigabyte of not-so-perfect "perfect matches," I have decided it makes much more sense to have a dating Web site that not only requires people to tell the truth, but emphasizes that its precise mission is for people to list in complete and larger-than-life detail all their flaws. Even the very worst ones. Consider what a delight it would be to meet people and think, "Hey, you're really not as bad as you said!"

Here's an example of what some of the profiles might include:

His

Screen name: Mr. Hunky -- oops, I mean Mr. Chunky
I snore.
I have a beer belly.
I get drunk every night.
I have a hairy back.
I'm bald.

Hers

Screen name: Real Fox -- oops I mean, Real Lox
I snore.
I have a beer belly.
I get drunk every night.
I have a hairy back.
I'm bald.

There are all these "reality" TV shows. Why not have some "reality" dating sites? Here's a comparison of how people's descriptions might differ on these Web sites:

What MEN say:

MillionaireMatch.com -- I make more than $500,000/year.
TruthfulLosers.com -- I'm on unemployment.
Matchmaker.com -- I want a woman who's independent, strong and feisty.
Tell-It-Like-It-Is.com -- I want a doormat who will cook, clean and slave for me.
JDate.com -- My interests are cross-country skiing, the opera and the symphony.
BrutallyHonest.com -- I watch Jerry Springer every day, and at night I go for lap dances.

What WOMEN say:

Match.com -- I'm toned and athletic.
I'mNotLying.com -- I'm flabby with sagging buns and cellulite.
DreamDate.com -- I'm 36.
Old-Maids-R-Us.com -- I'm 52.
AmericanSingles.com -- I like to eat healthy.
If-I-Don't-Meet-Someone-Soon-I'll-Kill-Myself.com -- I'm anorexic, so you won't have to spend money on dinner dates.

So you're wondering: Would anyone ever want to meet someone on my Truth-in-Advertising website?

Sure. Myriad women who aren't tall, blonde, blue-eyed, silicone-breasted beauties. And all the shy geeky guys with heart and no hunk. Not to mention all the gals and guys who auditioned for "Extreme Makeover," "Average Joe," "The Swan" and "The Biggest Loser" -- but didn't get on.

I believe there is hope and love out there for everyone. When I went to New York last year, I saw the revival of the musical "Cabaret." There was a wonderful song in it, called "Meeskite" -- which is a Yiddish word meaning "ugly." It told a charming tale about two lovely but ugly people, who meet, fall in love and get married -- and then have a baby who turns out to be ... gorgeous. I loved that song!

It gave hope to all the people who weren't born (or transformed by plastic surgeons on reality shows) -- beautiful.

Whoever you are, know that there is a soulmate -- young or old, tall or short, skinny or chubby, obnoxious or timid -- waiting for you somewhere! Whether you're at a party or a bar, on a blind date or on "Don't-give-up-even-if-you're-homely.com" -- someday you'll meet them and happily ride off into the sunset together. Just remember, you don't have to lie to find love -- so tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth!

Marilyn Anderson is 25, blonde, blue-eyed, toned & athletic, and loves to cook....

P.S. On I'mNotLying.com: Marilyn is over 40; brunette; brown-eyed; average build; and the one time she tried to cook dinner for a guy, she cut her finger opening a can of Spaghettios and had to go the emergency room to get 10 stitches. And that's the truth!

Marilyn Anderson is the author of "Never Kiss A Frog: A Girl's Guide to Creatures from the Dating Swamp." Her website is www.neverkissafrog.com. Tracker Pixel for Entry

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