Jewish Journal


July 4, 2011

It’s Monday again. Time to start your new diet, right? Wrong!


If you wear a red string because Madonna does it, you adopted 12 kids from a small African village, or you’re keeping up with the Kardashian’s, you’ve probably thought about being Vegan. Veganism is a lifestyle philosophy that excludes the use of animals for food, clothing or any other purpose. Atkins says that carbs are the reason you’re fat, and Veganism suggests that meat is the culprit. Bouncing from one extreme to another is why you’re fat!

I have found a Vegan diet to be incredibly limiting and difficult, and most Americans can’t and won’t do it. If you take out meat, what do you put in its place? Most Americans aren’t inclined to start shoving broccoli and spinach down their throats instead. And I don’t blame them! Americans suck at eating vegetables and vegetables are the cornerstone of a Vegan diet.

Okay, but you really want to be Vegan. You sold your junky Ford and got a Hybrid Prius. You ditched all your leather, put on your Hemp shoes and went to the market. Yesterday you were in the drive thru at In-n-Out, so you need to get your protein. You go to the freezer section and start tossing fake meat into your cart with the biggest, baddest arrogant attitude. You’re saving the planet! You don’t eat animals! But all that fake meat is highly processed and loaded with chemicals, preservatives and the devil: SPI (Soy Protein Isolate).

SPI is the key ingredient in most soy foods that imitate meat and dairy products. 99% of the time, the soybeans are genetically modified, processed in harsh chemicals, and contain one of the highest percentages of contamination by pesticides of any food. In feeding experiments, the use of SPI increased requirements for vitamins E, K, D and B12 and created deficiency symptoms of calcium, magnesium, manganese, molybdenum, copper, iron and zinc. SPI stimulates more allergic reactions than any other kind of soy, and is the only soy product associated with cancer. Additionally, these highly processed soy products contain high levels of aluminum, which is toxic to the kidneys, nervous system, and the brain. Soy also contains goitrogens. Goitrogens depress thyroid function, which contributes to slow metabolism. Welcome to the dark side of soy.

But Asians eat soy and they live longer, healthier lives than Americans, right? Yes and no. Four out of the top five longest-lived places in the world are in Asia. However, a 1998 survey found that the average daily amount of soy protein consumed in Japan was about eight grams for men and seven for women. That’s less than two teaspoons a day. Except in times of famine, Asians consume soy products only in small amounts, as condiments, and not as a replacement for animal products. With one exception: celibate monks living in monasteries and leading a Vegetarian lifestyle find soy foods quite helpful because they dampen libido. Now your vagina is Vegan too. No more meat!

Don’t get your libido tied in a knot. Have a little soy! Edamame with your sushi, tofu if you like the taste. But eating microwaveable, processed, frozen, dehydrated, preservative and chemical laden fake meat as a replacement for the real thing is like selling your car because the horn doesn’t work. If you want to lose weight, don’t cut off your leg. There are 30 listed ingredients in Morningstar Farms Vegan Chik’n Strips, many of which we can’t pronounce. The first ingredient listed is water and the second is SPI. There are 3 ingredients in one of my orgasmic chicken recipes: Chicken breast, saffron and lemon juice. Assuming you got your libido back, which one turns you on?

Speaking of being turned on, nothing gives me more pleasure than crackin’ off a couple of bricks or dropping the kids off at the pool. (Okay, I can think of one thing that’s better.) But pooping is more than just shit, wipe and flush. It’s the last “hoorah!” in a long process of eliminating waste and detoxifying the body.

Proper detoxification has an impact on almost all of the body’s systems and can have a beneficial effect on most chronic illnesses and weight loss. Being that our bodies are perfect machines, detoxification should happen naturally when the machine is functioning at optimal levels. But considering that most Americans put shit into their mouths before their shit comes out, going on a detox or cleanse is a band-aid on a broken bone. Everything you put in your mouth every single day should aid your body in the natural detox process. If it did, you probably wouldn’t be dealing with chronic conditions such as headaches, acne/skin problems, allergies, low energy, fatigue, poor sleep quality/insomnia, respiratory difficulties, stiff and aching joints/muscles, digestive problems, depression, moodiness, and impaired liver function. And you sure as hell wouldn’t be carrying around 15 or more pounds of extra fat.

Probably the most famous detox is The Master Cleanse or the Lemonade Diet. Beyonce Knowles admits to using this cleanse to drop 20 pounds in 2 weeks for her role in Dreamgirls. She also claims, “As soon as it was over, I gained the weight back.” 14 days of suffering, depriving and shitting her brains out to be thin for one day. When people think about losing weight, they think about losing fat. But this is nothing more than water lost and water gained.

If you want to detox, fine. If you want to detox to lose lots of weight? Houston, we have a problem! Lifetime weight loss has to be earned. You can’t just poop it out and be done. So go ahead… squeeze some lemons into maple syrup and water, pepper it and drink for 10 days straight, no cheating. And then when your cleanse is over, you’ll go back to your drive-thru and get your fix.

You know there’s more where this came from. Visit http://www.meetsima.com for the anti-diet, and stay tuned for Part 3!

Peace + Hamburgers,

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