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Serious Stern

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December 9, 2009 | 6:03 pm

Stern… Seigelman… Seagal

Posted by Rob Eshman

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Howard tipped off listeners to a trainwreckishly delightful new reality show: “Steven Seagal: Lawman.”  I watched it the same way I used to watch the alley cats mating outside my window in Jerusalem: it’s noisy and gross but, hey, it’s also part of God’s world.

In “Lawman,” former action star Seagal goes on patrol with the Jefferson Parish Louisiana Sheriff’s department as a reserve deputy sheriff.  Two things surprised me right off: 1. Seagal is a cop who physically cannot run, and 2. He is not even the heaviest member of the Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Department. What is the motto down there— “To Protect and To Serve Ourselves Huge Portions of Jambalaya”?

I’m fairly sure Seagal knows how to shoot.  I watched a scene where he instructs another cop how to hit a target from what looks like seven feet away.  Seagal tells the cop, “I’m going to shoot a hole in the target.  Then I want you to put your bullet through that hole.”  Seagal then proceeds to do that, because, as he explains a half dozen times in the first episode, he is a trained martial arts master, and his years of Eastern discipline have taught him how to shoot, how to fight, how to stay calm, how to see things no one else sees—it seems, in fact, his years of martial arts discipline have taught him everything except how to say no to dessert.

But poking fun at Seagal is as easy for me as shooting a bullet through a bullet hole is for him.  For all I know he may be in the joke—making him one of the most brilliant self-parodists since Mae West. But I doubt it.

What I loved about “Lawman” was watching how Seagal has so completely transformed his persona from the circumstances of his birth, to whatever he is now.

Because, really, Steven Seagal is a Jew.

I mean, he’s a Jew from Lansing, Michigan, the son of Samuel Steven Seagal (1928-1991), a high school math teacher.  His father’s parents were Russian Jews,  Nathan Siegelman - later changed to Seagal - (1892-1973) and Dora Goldstein (1894-1989). Seagal’s mother is of Irish ancestry (Jewish? Catholic?) but according to Reform Jewish law, the man is a Jew.

But Seagal, like many Jews of his generation, sought enlightenment and cultural attachment elsewhere.  His family moved from Lansing to Fullerton, CA when Seagal was 5 years old, and Seagal grew up in the Southern California suburbs. (Which makes his attempt at a bayou accent in “Lawmen” all the more puzzling.  I’ve been to Fullerton and they just don’t speak like that there.).  He found meaning and spiritual succor in the Eastern martial arts—again, a very Jewish thing.  The leading karate teacher in LA is an Israeli. Jews, especially of Seagal’s generation, were turned off by what Judaism had become—a pale copycat of Protestant propriety, with rote Hebrew school learning, mumbled, meaningless prayers, and bar mitzvahs that amounted to little more than a punch line.  This is the Jewish world Howard Stern—who is just two years younger than Seagal—mocks often on his show, and it’s funny ‘cause it’s true. Jews growing up in the 50’s, 60s and early 70s got the assimilated version of Judaism, castrated of its spiritual power. 

So it’s hardly surprising Stern has a running gag about being “half Jewish,” even though he’s as full-on Jew as Golda Meir.  In fact, it’s telling: in Stern’s generation, American Judaism was practiced in a half-assed way, at half-strength, half-heartedly.

And it’s also hardly surprising that Stern turned away from Judaism and toward the Eastern practice of Transcendental meditation, of which he is a big proponent and practitioner. And that Seagal turned to Zen and aikido and karate and Tibetan Buddhism and etc.  Just because it’s hard to take Seagal’s seriousness seriously, it’s easy to mock a 400 pound Zen master with the world’s worst hair weave, the face of a Pinsk peddlar, and a Bayou accent that sounds like he learned it by listening to Dennis Quaid in “The Big Easy.” But he did do what at least a generation of Jews did: leave what he saw as a stale religion and culture behind and seek meaning, connection and enlightenment elsewhere.

 

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Well, that is certainly one way to look at it. According to Orthodox and Conservative Judaism, he is not a Jew, due to the Irish non-Jewish matriarchy. But your point about ‘half-ass’ Judaism passed down in the 60’s and 70’s is understood. Which is why many who want a taste of the ‘real thing’ try a different approach….some type of more authentic practice and study of Judaism using primary sources (Talmud, Shulchan Aruch) rather than escaping to become a BuJu or some other failed entity. Seems to be many ‘hidden’ Jews who are exploring their roots in a non-threatining, non-judgemental way. Perhaps aluding to that phenomenon would have made a better theme for your article.

Comment by Sifter on 12/11/09 at 12:49 am

No wonder Seagal chose to practice another form of worship. Who would want to be connected with those responsible for the death of Christ?

Comment by Marianne Adams on 12/11/09 at 12:51 am

A better question is why Christ would want to be connected to the death of Jews.

Comment by Ben Plonie on 12/13/09 at 3:40 am

I read your article on Steven Segal and run into many non practicing jews from all over the world. The orthodoxy has no use for us but the reality is that although we don’t practice, we remain loyal to the faith. We don’t follow the rules.  Sitting in an outside
coffee cafe, up pops a jewish guy from Australia, tatooed all over and then his NY friend who at one time
was in the Guiness world book for being the most tattooed man. He’s from NY (This is Thailand) and a fourth ex pat shows up and he’s a jewish guy from California and we joke about having a minion.  And then there’s a jewish schmuck that writes about the poor Palestinians etc in his letters to the editor.  To sum it up, there are jews all over the world that do good without parading around as “Doo good” jews.  They’re good people period. Segal? Dylan. How good a jew was Einstein?

Comment by sam corwin on 12/19/09 at 5:17 am

I know you don’t like to get into the weeds on these issues, but it sounds to me like you are only being loyal to your nation or your blood, not ‘the faith’. Your idea of a good Jew seems to be someone who at least used to be a Jew or whose parent(s) or grandparent(s) were Jews, who is a good person because he mostly doesn’t hurt anybody and likes to shoot the sh!t with other people like that.

I know you don’t like to get into the weeds on these issues, but it sounds to me like you are only being loyal to your nation or your blood, not ‘the faith’. Orthodox people refer to the idea of a ‘good Jew’ using a pretty clear idea of the meaning of ‘good’ and ‘Jew’. a Jew is a person and a good Jew is a good person, but the reverse is not true. A person is probably not a Jews and a regular good person is even more probably not a good Jew.

Comment by Ben Plonie on 12/20/09 at 2:31 am

(sorry, cut and paste error above. Makes no difference to the message)

Comment by Ben Plonie on 12/20/09 at 2:32 am

Benny: The orthodoxy is like a club “For Whites Only” The gentlemen versus the trash.Sorry but there are too many stories of the Jewish Landlord squeezing the last penny from a tenant and I don’t fit that category. Tolerance is not part of the game when you shun a lesser jew or one that doesn’t meet your standards.  The jews drive their own people away.  In 1974 in Juneau Alaska, I got a lot of money from “Hidden jews” for the UJA at the outset of the war..  They heard and donated money. No arm twisting, no religion squeeze.

Comment by sam corwin on 12/20/09 at 5:49 am

And: rate Einstein as a jew.  Good? Bad? Indifferent?

Comment by sam corwin on 12/20/09 at 5:54 am

Let’s establish up front that I like you fine, Sam, as well as the tattooed Jews from Australia and New York, and also the Alaskan Jews. All good guys, good people. Not so much the schmuck. Neither the Jewish Landlord squeezing the last penny from a tenant. Incidentally, let’s admit that if the tattooed men or the Alaskan Jews aren’t your landlords you don’t really know them.

The greedy heartless landlord example just tells me that you don’t really know any Orthodox Jews either. The Jews give away more time, money and pints of blood per capita than everyone else, and the Orthodox give more per capita than the rest of the Jews. Maybe even in absolute terms. It’s a direct relationship; the more Orthodox, the more giving. The less affiliated and identified, the less giving.

At the bottom end, the Jewishness is just a ghost; guys running into each other in Thailand for a brew. That’s a pretty low bar. It’s easy to be tolerant at that level. If you want to have a beer and a shot and a conversation about the service or about sports or politics, you can find lots of Orthodox Jews to do it with, but talking to them about greedy landlords would be a definite turnoff, just like telling a tattooed man that his tats are trashy and dysfunctional. How much love would you get at a tattoo convention? What do the Thai folk really think about you guys? Are you ‘good Thais’?

I didn’t think I wrote anything you disagree with, except for the ‘faith’ thing. I am just saying that a good Jew has to be a good person (no matter what he looks like). And a bad person cannot be a good Jew (no matter what he looks like).

So: you demand I tell you what I think about Einstein? I will. Tell me if you disagree with my estimate of your definition of a Jew as “someone who at least used to be a Jew or whose parent(s) or grandparent(s) were Jews, who is a good person because he mostly doesn’t hurt anybody and likes to shoot the sh!t with other people like that.”

Einstein was an indifferent Jew. He was completely unaffiliated until the Germans stuck his Jewishness (not Judaism) in his face, and even Princeton rubbed his nose in it. He said very different things about Jewishness in his twenties, thirties, etc. He dabbled a bit in mathematical philosophy and well-wishing but never gave Judaism any credibility. Good person, great thinker, scientific superstar, sure. As a Jew, he was like a Jew in Thailand.

Comment by Ben Plonie on 12/20/09 at 9:55 am

Benny: Philosophy in my view is plain bullshit. Two people arguing to see who has the better argument.  Funny thing here is I like you too and think you’re a “Mensch”.  Einstein would be welcome to join our coffee klatch if he were around as well as you.  You got me to thinking about my childhood/judaism thing after my coffee session. This goes back a long time ago for I was born on the Lower East Side of NY in 1926 so I think I have some age on you.  I remember a poor family that kept kosher but couldn’t afford tickets to the high holiday services so couldn’t pray there.  So then, this is “Pay to Pray.”  I realize the cost of upkeepof a schul.  Then there’s the calling up to the beema during these holidays.  Pay more and you get to read choice passages. This is “Money in the Temples”.
Let me break away and tell you about the Thais and their monks.  Devout people who make “Merit” by giving money etc to the monks/temple that they really can’t afford.  On their holy days when they flock to the temple, there are basket and fruit vendors outside.  The baskets can be expensive.  The people buy these and offer them to the monks who bless them and the people leave.  When there are too many flowers or baskets they are picked up and taken out a side door and resold to the people by the same vendors.
I believe anyone that professes himself to be a jew, should be taken at face value and accepted. Tell me about the “Uber” jews that wear black suits, beards and pose with Achminajad.  Good jews?

Comment by sam corwin on 12/21/09 at 12:01 am

Thanks, Sam. I know you don’t have patience for philosophy but the funny thing is you can’t get away from it because you make philosophical comments. You talk about values and judgments about behavior and actions. But it is too tedious to hear what others have to say about those subjects. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

My experience in every synagogue I have ever been in is that nobody is kicked out (unless they are somehow disruptive). Nobody is forced to pay to pray, only to join a given community, who would probably give them a break if asked. That certainly doesn’t mean getting chosen for a starring role to read choice passages. I don’t get that myself most of the time. But if praying is important to you, you pay, find someplace else, pray standing up, or pray at home. Like at the cafe, for a guy that wants in but can’t pay. You might treat him when you have it and you are in the mood, or not. And not to a Latte Mocha Frappachinno either. And your story comes from the height of the great depression.

The worst stereotype you made was “The orthodoxy is like a club “For Whites Only” The gentlemen versus the trash.” Just dealing with the ‘money in the temple’ example (not that we have anything to learn from the Christians), I bet you anything that the Orthodox schuls will let people in on high holidays for free before the non-Orthodox ones will. And once again, the more traditionally Orthodox, the more likely.

All Jews are created equal, and have an equal opportunity to achieve merit and status. It isn’t really a Jewish goal to impress people, only to impress God, and He can’t be fooled. God knows your background and challenges, and grades on a curve. So there is no point in complaining about people. People should be better, but you will never prove anything by complaining that people are people. It’s doing pretty well to be better than average, which the Jews and the Orthodox are.

Orthodoxy is a classic system of values and discipline and purpose. It has its stars and celebrities, its leaders and good soldiers, its ho-hum members, and its slackers and hypocrites and fools. But in the center of the cagefight where it really counts, it is clear and it is known who is the master and who the disciple. The real world-class stars of Orthodoxy fly under the radar. They are never the best looking or the richest or the most connected or the most charismatic or politically influential.

So what does it mean to be ‘accepted as a Jew’, let alone recognized as a good Jew? The answer is that it depends for what purpose. It involves more than just showing up, even at a deli. Anyone can do it, but are they willing to put in the effort? Jews are citizens of a nation under law. First off, does the person meet eligibility requirements of native citizenship? If not, does the person meet eligibility and requirements of a naturalized citizen? Is the person male or female? Different requirements. Past that, is the person law-abiding? Is the person a traitor?

Which brings us to “the “Uber” jews that wear black suits, beards and pose with Achminajad”. Traitors.

Comment by Ben Plonie on 12/21/09 at 3:17 pm

Benny: I haven’t been in a “Schul” in decades. Been in military chapels where I both attended and conducted the services and that’s all I know.  I hear what you say and you make a good case, honest and fair.
Uber jews: Traitors? To whom? While you’re pondering this, I’ll come back to Thailand and try to enlighten you on our “Jewish” status and how we’re treated.  The first response to being asked of your religion (Jew) is
“What’s that?”  All foreigners are christian, no?  So then, you are being treated for what you are, not what your belief is.  That’s the reality. That’s how everyone
should be treated. From there, the story goes downhill for as a foreigner, you are now a millionaire. That’s another story.

Comment by sam corwin on 12/21/09 at 11:46 pm

ALL I WANT SAY ABOUT SEAGAL THAT I LOVE HIM LIKE GOD HE IS A GOD BEHAVING PERSON.I’M HIS ACE BOOM BOOM.MAY HE BLESS ME CAUSE I’M BROKE.

Comment by vijay trivedi on 8/04/10 at 4:50 am

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