We all have a dating story. Perpetually single, in a relationship since you were 12, consistent heartbreak, fall fast only to end just as fast….sound like you? Here is my secret as to how you can stop wasting your energy on resenting your relationships and relationship status: START LIVING AUTHENTICALLY! When you live your truth, speak your mind, confront your true feelings, and allow others to see you for who you really are, you live a completely different (and happier) existence than one where you are trying to be someone you are not.
The same reason you find yourself over-eating, not sleeping, avoiding the gym, and having anxiety, is the same reason you are struggling with your relationship status. Don’t believe me? That’s fine….but then stop blaming someone or something else!
When you unconsciously deny your desires, your feelings, and true self you develop ways of compensating to feel whole and complete and often these “bandaids” manifest themselves in destructive thought and behavior patterns. In most cases this contributes to your inability to find a meaningful relationship.
For example: being “picky” about men (or women), afraid of smiling, talking about how fat you are, too much makeup, gossiping, (the list goes on) are all signs of insecurity which your date can detect without needing to know you for more than a glass of Pinot Noir. Or if you find yourself in relationships that keep self destructing, it’s logical to assume that there is something about you that can change and grow.
So what is the solution? Change the self dialogue to create a more confident you, which will contribute to a positive shift in your behaviors. This is much easier said then done. Fortunately you have a couple options. Self help books, therapy, life coaching, or complacency. If you are ready to make some proactive changes in your life and dating is an issue you truly want to address, there is a fantastic and life changing option which is the “Me to We” workshop with Dara Holz Yungman, MA, LMFT and Danielle Horwich, LCSW, MAED. This 5 week workshop is valuable in not only uncovering some of the reasons why you may be single, but addresses the underlying issues that may be penetrating other parts of your life. By the end of the 5 weeks you will have concrete tools to identify your blocks, a new perspective on yourself, and action steps you can take to go from “Me to We.”
For those of you who want to take some proactive steps now, here are some things to think about:
1. Write down all the things you want to feel in a relationship. Start doing the things that will make you feel that way today; don’t wait for happiness. It is available to you now!
2. If you believe that someone else is going to make you happy then you are not ready for a relationship. Keep reading or seek out a way to do serious self exploration.
3. I recommend reading Gabrielle Bernstein’s May Cause Miracles to discover what is blocking you from relationship and your authentic self.
4. We all have core beliefs about ourselves. What are your core beliefs about relationships? Are your actions congruent with your beliefs? If not, change them. Or find a therapist or life coach that can help you with this.
RELIsh Life is Arielle's life & wellness coaching site. Arielle offers guidance and empowerment for clients to lead a healthier, more fullfilling, less stressful life through certified life and wellness coaching.