September 25, 2012 | 8:00 am

Returning to Ourselves

Posted by Susan Esther Barnes

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During the High Holy Days, one of the words we hear about the most often is “T’shuvah.” This is the time to make t’shuvah. The Shabbat that falls between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur is called Shabbat Shuvah. Often translated as repentance, t’shuvah also means to turn, or to return. But from what are we turning, and to what are we invited to return?

As part of the Saturday morning liturgy, we say, “Elohai, n’shamah shenatata bi t’horah hi,” or, “God, the soul you have given me is pure.” In contrast to Christian theology, we don’t believe in “original sin.” We are all born with a pure soul, free of sin.

Then, of course, life happens, and we mess up. It is inevitable. We lie, we cheat, we steal. We hurt ourselves and others. We make poor choices. And, too often, we try to deny what we have done. These things may be called sins.

It is important to note, however, that although sins may be deeds, they do not constitute a state of being. Although I sin, that does not render me a bad person. It just makes me human. And, as a human, I have the opportunity at all times, and especially at this time of the year, to reflect on my sins, to turn from them, and to try to be a better person.

And if I am to be a better person, whom should I emulate? Should I try to be more like a famous person from history, such as Abraham Lincoln or Martin Luther King, Jr.? Should I try to be more religious, like Moshe Rabbinu? Should I try to be more like my rabbi, Michael Lezak?

There is a story in the Talmud about a rabbi named Zusya, who became deathly ill, and then became very frightened. When his students asked him why he was so afraid, he said,

If God should ask me why I did not act like Abraham, I can say that I was not Abraham. And if God asks me why I did not act like Rebecca or Moses, I can also say that I was not Moses.” Then the rabbi said, “But if God should ask me to account for the times when I did not act like Zusya, what shall I say then?”*

Or, as the aforementioned Rabbi Lezak told us he learned on a recent retreat with the Institue for Jewish Spirituality, “I am not a failed attempt at being you. And you are not a failed attempt at being me.” The person whom we should emulate, then, is not someone outside of ourselves.

Rather, when we contemplate to what are we invited to return at the start of each new year, I would suggest that it is to ourselves we must return. This is the season during which we look back over the past year, and find the forks in the road where we chose to be someone other than our own best self. This is the time to remind ourselves, “I was made in the image of God. God made me with my own uniqueness for a reason,” and to ask ourselves, “What can I do in the coming year to nurture and to set free the pure soul God has given me?”

 

*Translation from Blog Sameach

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September 19, 2012 | 7:00 am

Embracing the Awkward

Posted by Susan Esther Barnes

In my blog post on Wednesday last week I proclaimed that I was ready for the High Holy Days. “Been there, done that,” I thought, “I have done my usual activities, I know what to expect, and I am prepared.” Then God laughed.

Late Wednesday afternoon, I received an email from a friend who works at the JCC next to the synagogue. There was a local retirement community looking for someone to come lead High Holy Day services. Would I be able to help?

So, okay. I have led weekday morning services at the synagogue, and I have led shiva (mourning) services. Why not High Holy Day services? How different could it be? I was sure I could borrow prayer books and kippot from the synagogue. I figured I could get by without a shofar. Suddenly, though, I felt anything but prepared.

A friend emailed me a copy of the machzor (holiday prayer book) developed by synagogue members. It turned out the retirement home only wanted a 30 minute service, so I got to work on paring it down to a bare minimum. Would I be able to make it short but still meaningful, without missing any of the parts the participants would be expecting?

Then I showed up to services on Friday night, where I was reminded it was the first night of “Base Camp,” an experiment in trying, twice a month, to make Shabbat services more like summer camp. We had our usual pre-oneg before services, but we tried to keep everyone out of the sanctuary.

When it was almost time to go in, the entire congregation jammed into the foyer, where each family lit a Shabbat candle. It was crowded. It was noisy. It was awkward. Then everyone sang together as the synagogue doors were opened, and everyone streamed inside. It was lovely.

After services, we gathered outside for Israeli dancing, taught by a trio of enthusiastic teens. They tried to teach us too much in too short a time. The music was too fast for people who were just learning the steps. It, too, was awkward. Still, a surprisingly large number of people participated, and had a lot of fun.

The awkwardness continued on Saturday night, at the Civic Center where we hold High Holiday services, since the synagogue isn’t large enough to hold everyone. We had been informed the major construction project that was supposed to be finished by then was still in full swing, so we arrived to find the building’s main entrance blocked, and the parking lot festooned with temporary lights, pylons, and barriers.

We stationed various Board members along the routes people would have to navigate to travel from the parking lot to the side entrance. We also had Board members near the drop-off point for people who need to travel the shortest distance possible from car to door.

The route was a bit awkward, but our congregation took it all in good humor, and once inside, the services proceeded without a hitch.

When Monday morning services rolled around, I was feeling off my game. I didn’t know what to expect at the retirement home that afternoon, and I had a hard time connecting with God and the prayers.

Then, after lunch, I drove to the retirement home. I had been told there might be only two or three people interested in the service, but I brought 10 copies of the prayer book, just to be safe. It turned out I was several prayer books short.

I felt a bit awkward having to ask people to share. The room was too hot. A couple of the people routinely had trouble finding the right page. Some of them mentioned the tunes I was singing weren’t the tunes with which they grew up. Most of them didn’t know the Hebrew, so I had to improvise in places, in order not to subject them to me soloing the whole time. I felt pressured to stay on time, especially since it turned out there was a lecture scheduled for afterward.

Somehow, I got through it, and afterward the participants and the program director thanked me heartily. Apparently, last year some men from an Orthodox outreach group had come, and the result had been a disaster. I think, in the end, it was my effort to pay attention to, and to accommodate, the needs of the group that saved the day.

Still, I have to say, it was a relief on Tuesday morning when I was able to attend second day services in our usual synagogue, with no last-minute preparations, and no construction. Experimentation and improvisation are healthy and good, and I hope we continue to do them. But sometimes, what you want it is the people you know, in the place you know, without any awkwardness.

Now, am I ready for Yom Kippur? God only knows.

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