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August 24, 2010 | 10:27 pm

Extravagant weddings and bar mitzvahs humiliate the Jewish community

Posted by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach

How embarrassing.

On Aug. 22, the Los Angeles Times ran an article about extravagant Jewish Iranian weddings in Southern California that exposes our community as a bunch of shallow, boastful materialists who think the purpose of a marriage ceremony is to tell your friends how much money you have. Some of the details mentioned in the article, confirmed to me by people who actually attended, included a bride placed in a glass coffin to be opened by her half-masked “Phantom of the Opera” bridegroom. The coffin did not open for an hour, and the wedding was nearly ruined by a shaken and tearful bride gasping for breath. But the coffin, on that occasion, was a telling symbol of the utter death of Jewish values that such ridiculous extravagances betray.

The article further cites the appearance at many of these weddings of film crews consisting of four or five cameramen with “a 25-foot crane over the dance floor.” In television this is called a jib, and to give you an idea of how expensive they are, I can tell you that through the first season of “Shalom in the Home,” despite a multimillion-dollar budget, we couldn’t afford one.

Strangely enough, the article then quotes a rabbi from Sinai Temple in Los Angeles, which has thousands of Iranian Jewish members, who “makes a point of not judging — and even sees virtue in the enormous family gatherings.”

Give me a break. Is there really a point to rabbinic leadership if it does not come with value judgments? Do we in the Jewish community not — rightly, I might add — lecture our Muslim brothers and sisters that they must weed out violent extremists lest their religion be brought into utter disrepute? And while murder in the name of God is much more serious than shopping in the name of excessiveness, there can be no question that keeping up with the Schwartzes has become a cancer that threatens to kill off the flickering Jewish soul. How ironic that a people who have for centuries survived forced baptisms are now drowning in an ocean of profligacy.

American Jews often exhibit the worst tendencies of immigrant communities, endeavoring their best to show how they have not just landed but arrived. Security is defined not in terms of spiritual virtue and nobility of purpose but in stocks and bonds and money in the bank. And what’s the point of having it if your friends are ignorant of your success? The whole reason you made the money in the first place was to show off. So go ahead. Smoke ’em if you got ’em. And what better opportunity than at the public celebrations of a bar or bat mitzvah or wedding, where, at no extra cost, you can utterly vulgarize the spirituality of the occasion by transforming it into a showcase of material consumption and excess?

I remember growing up in Miami Beach and the over-the-top, utterly ridiculous bar mitzvahs that were de rigueur. One in the late ’70s featured Darth Vader and R2-D2 greeting guests as they arrived at the reception. To be sure, it was memorable seeing C-3PO in tails and Chewbacca’s beard complemented with a Chassidic hat, but one wondered what, apart from its celestial setting, “Star Wars’ had to do with the spirituality of the moment. On another occasion, I arrived to see a full ice sculpture of the bar mitzvah boy, which perfectly suited the freezing-cold religious aspect.

A wealthy Jewish businessman shared a story with me of how he instills values in his children. His 12-year-old son had come to him and said, “Dad, I want a famous sports star at my bar mitzvah. Let’s get Eli Manning.” So the father replied, “Son, you have to have manners. You don’t tell your father to get Eli Manning. You ask him politely.” Apparently it never dawned on the dad that his son had aped his own shallow materialism and had, already at 12, become an insecure braggart.

A remedy is needed. Rabbis should be thundering from the pulpit that extravagant weddings not only reveal a sense of personal inadequacy but are an abrogation of Jewish values. You’re so rich? Then impress your friends by giving the money to charity. Rather than focus on the 20-piece orchestra for your son’s bar mitzvah, take him to 20 classes where he can learn about Abraham and Sarah, Moses and Pharaoh, David and Goliath, and the glory of Solomon’s Temple. Give him an inner identity, based on values and character, rather than a shallow external identity based on money and objects.

So why aren’t the rabbis giving sermons about gross materialism that wraps itself, in the memorable phrase of Matt Taibbi, like a “vampire squid” around the Jewish conscience? Because they are about as likely to criticize their own congregants as Romeo is to renounce Juliet. But what’s the point of being the head of a congregation if you’re not also the leader of a community?

The story goes that in Israel, a few decades ago, the Gerrer Rebbe, head of one of the largest Chasidic sects and seeking to stop a destructive game of material one-upmanship, enacted an edict that none of his followers could have a wedding with more than 200 guests, still large by some measures. One of his wealthiest followers and supporters approached him and said, “Rebbe, surely this does not apply to me. I’m a very rich man,” to which the great rabbi responded, “Very well, then. If you’re so rich, go buy yourself a new rabbi.”

Yes, some things in life can be put on a credit card. But rabbis who preach values and can’t be bought? Priceless.


Rabbi Shmuley Boteach hosts “The Shmuley Show” on 77 WABC in NYC. He is the foun-der of This World: The Values Network, and is the author, most recently, of “Renewal: A Guide to the Values-Filled Life,” Follow him on Twitter @RabbiShmuley.

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Hi, I would kindly disagree with the rabbis whole premise. He writes in part:

  “A remedy is needed. Rabbis should be thundering from the pulpit that extravagant weddings not only reveal a sense of personal inadequacy but are an abrogation of Jewish values. You’re so rich? Then impress your friends by giving the money to charity. Rather than focus on the 20-piece orchestra for your son’s bar mitzvah, take him to 20 classes where he can learn about Abraham…”

a. how does he know they don’t take him to 20 classes to learn about Torah? Maybe they can afford to teach and party hard.
b. how does he know just because they spend money on celebrations that they do not give to charity? Maybe they can afford to do both.
c. how does he know that they are throwing expensive parties to show off their money? Maybe what is expensive to one family’s budget is a drop in the bucket to another.
d. how does he know they have personal inadequacy because they want to celebrate special occasions with a nice orchestra or over the top camera crew that will pay the workers their income and help the economy instead of his friends who may only save their money in the form of stocks and bonds until they die without having enjoyed their money.

I just think it’s shallow to judge people who like to have a nice party with their closest friends and family. We live for a short period and what is better than celebrating with the ones we love in a memorable way. Would he also ask that they sell their nice homes they can afford to live in and give the proceeds to charity and move their family to a bad neighborhood because G-d forbid others might think they are showing off? Seriously, I think Rabbi needs to rethink his position. Right?

Comment by AnnonymousGrl on 8/25/10 at 1:37 pm

I think I would have liked the Gerer Rebbe.

These people have no interest in Judaism. They have no interest at all in the important religious aspects of the Bar Mitzvah or wedding. What kind of person do they expect their child to grow into with values like that. Children learn from hearing “no” to unreasonable demands.

...and to AnnonymousGrl, increasing one-upsmanship with a total lack of respect for actual Jewish values and learning is in itself a problem. And yes, they would be better off selling their huge house and helping the poor. The desire to consume more and more is yetzer hara. Having enough, being comfortable is good. Having enough to ensure that your children can go to a good school is good. Teaching them to consume more and more is a dead end. Teaching them that they should strive to have more than their friends is a horrible thing to teach. It teaches that nothing is ever enough. It teaches that your possessions are the key to your value not your Yiddishkeit or living as a good person.

Comment by Dave on 8/25/10 at 10:20 pm

The LA Times article was talking about both Muslim and Jewish Iranians. I highly doubt a Jewish person would get into a coffin on their wedding night. Please check your facts. This, coming from a Rabbi who sold his life to be portrayed on television and charges money for students and young professionals to attend his lectures. Maybe you should be leading by example…

Comment by Anonymous on 8/26/10 at 11:42 am

What a pity that Rabbi Schmuley chose to use his column (which I have seen repeated on many other sites) to perpetuate a sterotype about Jews and money. First, I wonder if the LA Times story is even accurate. The bride is anonymous, and the witness to the story is a musician who himself receives thousands of dollars to sing at weddings and Bar Mitzvahs. Even if the story is true, so what? I don’t question that some Iranian-American Jews spend a lot on their children’s weddings and Bar Mitzvahs, and I concede that some even have poor taste in how they spend their money. But being extravagant, and having poor taste, is not exclusive to Iranian-American Jews, or even to Jews. The multi-billion dollar bridal industry is supported by Americans of all ethnicities, and every week, society pages describe how couples of all faiths, dressed in the latest designer wear, take their vows at country clubs, mansions and hotel ballrooms, while guests feast on their choice of chicken, beef, and even roast loin of pork. And who is to say that these well to do people don’t also spend some of their wealth on charitable causes. I find it ironic that I know Rabbi Schmuley mostly for his association with the opulent and extravagant Michael Jackson. I propose that he not judge the boy who wants Eli Manning at his Bar Mitzvah while he himself is seeking the company of the likes of Michael Jackson, Oprah Winfrey and Tiger Woods.

Comment by Susan on 9/21/10 at 6:22 pm

As an experienced divorce attorney, I can say that people place too much emphasis on the wedding and not enough emphasis on the chemistry and relationship of the people getting married.  It takes an instant to decide whether to get married but it can take years to unravel a broken marriage.  My advice is to go slowly, have a small wedding ceremony, and if you are still happy in 10 years, have a huge anniversary bash and rub everyone’s nose in the fact that you are still together, which in this day and age is becoming increasingly rare.

Comment by Matt Bogosian on 10/01/10 at 5:10 pm

Would someone please get Rabbi Shmuley’s attention and get me unsubscribed to his This World: The Values Network email newsletters that inundate my inbox. I’ve been trying for months to get unsubscribed, to no avail.

Comment by Michael Mendershausen on 10/16/10 at 7:41 pm

some people dont see the value in elegant and meaningful ceremonies.

Comment by Cam on 10/18/10 at 4:55 am

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