September 24, 2010
The Loner, The Shedding and The Sukkot
Sukkot is a time to visit and be with friends and family in environmental settings to bring us closer to the natural world. It is a holiday that reminds us that we are all equal and that injustice is not imperative to joyful life. It is a time to remember again of the Exodus, and to connect with our past wandering in order to identify with the current state of suffering by so many “others” who are destitute in this world.
Lately, I have been well into the mindset of feeling complete and utter isolation. I’ve been feeling poor because of lack of knowing which way is up, of feeling a lack of knowing whom the real genuine people are in my life and feeling like G-d is always testing me but failing to show me more of the reflection of good that I have in my heart and imagination. Thusly, I have been doing an overhaul in order to regain the richness of my life, my trust in humankind and grow the best friendship I have ever had with any Entity (i.e. Hashem). I’m now on day 11 of an 8 week plan to rid myself of people, things and ideals, and so far, so gut. I think it’s now been over a month since I’ve deactivated my Facebook account, too, an act that has freed me in so many ways. I’ve been taking time to read more, learn more and grow more. I also stay inside more, only going out to daven or to be with people I feel serve my best interests, or to go to free events. With every inch of myself that I release and let go of, I become more focused and more apt to be creative, and I’m making some of the most awesome music that I’ve created in a long time. Though my smiles have been replaced with more thought-induced, closed-mouthed facial expressions, inside I feel a calm and a full readiness to meet myself halfway. Now don’t mistake this for a statement that I lack self-love, as people are always quick to judge and project; because to put it simply, learning to be humble and modest have been harder than anything for me to do for as long as I can recall. But I have finally mastered the art of being humble through putting into the forefront the part of my Self-puzzle that displays heightened modesty and exudes sincere gratitude habitually. I have gotten so good at this feat that my modesty often shadows over my greatness, and I often feel people don’t see Me because I’ve learned to stifle my aire. But, people are noticing me more, reaching out to me more, though I’ve been absent, which tells me that somehow, someway, my light shines brightly, even when I don’t expect nor want it to. I suppose the current shedding will bring a balance between the extremes as more energy pathways are opened for me. Yet, I shan’t forget that those that matter shouldn’t mind how I act because they see my true character and my actions, and if they mind, they definitely shouldn’t matter to me.
The more I shed, the more I go back to my True Self. The dilemma is that my True Self is the intellectually creative loner who doesn’t feel the need to be around others, because I operate on a different stratosphere of thought and Being (admittedly, yes, I am slightly cocky). I also don’t feel the impetus to be with others when the world has proven so cold, so shady, so untrusting. But then I remember that I have a good heart, and in my heart of hearts I don’t ever give up hope that there are good people in the world. Truthfully my happiness does shine more in the presence of others, because the loner that I am also sees the importance of human contact from time-to-time. Though is it any wonder why the professions I pursue - writing, music production and djing - are solo ventures of expression at their fundamental levels, and only when I feel like it do I seek out others, or want to perform in front of people? These are all activities I can most-assuredly do by myself and before I ever begin to share my gifts with anyone else, I do them for myself and G-d, with or without getting paid. I mean yes I want to make a living doing these things I love to do, but I constantly sing and create songs throughout the day, for example, and most of them just float into the air without a soul ever to hear them or without me having the time to record them. I do these actions because I innately need to, like breathing.
But G-d made us all so that we could come together, and Sukkot is a great time for this. I remember in an earlier post I mentioned I would tell about how I brought Shabbat to London this year. In a nutshell, I was in Israel and bought wine at the Galil Mountain Winery, and some how, through trekking across the desert, sleeping in bedouin tents and on kibbutzim, unloading and packing up everyday, and having luggage thrown atop mine much to my dismay, I was able to make it from Israel to London after a week of this intense traveling with the wine bottle in tact, and two unbroken wine glasses as well. I also was gifted a Havdallah candle in Tz’fat that I re-gifted to my friends in London, and purchased a postcard in the shape of challah, which didn’t get bent. That’s the magic of peoplehood, of Shabbat, and of being a queer who knows how to pack. No pun intended. The delight of lighting the candles with my two gay friends whom I visited in London after my journey from Israel filled me with joy, because I brought Shabbas to London, where Synagogues, I found, were scarce near the area I stayed, and my friends had not many Jewish friends to celebrate Shabbat with. Especially not a loner as fierce as me! *finger snaps*
Which brings me to the power of Sukkot again. Tonight is Shabbas AND another fine day of Sukkot. May you find yourself in the midst of joy and happiness, and fulfilling the mitzvah of visiting over the course of this holiday, for no matter how lonely or how much of a loner you think you are, people usually enjoy seeing an old friend once in a while. And for all purposes of sanity, seeing more faces than yourn after being sequestered for self-prescribed preservation - heck, experiencing other energies other than yourn - is what life is about. We are all equal and no matter what, humans make the world go ‘round. Don’t be a stranger, and if you notice a friend acting as such, there’s no harm in reaching out and inviting them in.