August 24, 2010
The day that I was awakened to the fact that I was dying, I had recently been experiencing a plethora of vivid dreams. Consistent processions, with each nap and every slumber, I opened my eyes to begin the day with clear narratives and images that expressed how I’d been feeling or what I wanted, but was unable to convey - even to myself. I had dreams where I’d be sitting across from someone who said candidly, “You’ll never be alone at the table again.” Dreams where I understood someone in my life, because we got a chance to talk; albeit in a dream, but it set off radiant light bulbs that gave me the mighty rejuvenation I needed to keep going forth. I was starting to write again in the way that flowed naturally through me, often times getting inspiration from old journals. I chuckled when I would come across the great many notes, reminders and vignettes I wrote down three, four, five years ago in those journals: messages for me to stay positive and stay good.
On this day, I awakened to learn that I had but a short time in this life. Naturally, I met myself. All of a sudden I knew how to really articulate who I was in a simile, or a smile, for that matter. I poured out some words on a “notepad”:
I often feel like Israel -
In that instant, I for once, really knew the meaning of my temperaments, passionate they are.
On this day, I met one of G-d’s emissaries sent before me to remind me to “stick with Him”, though she said she didn’t know what that meant, but that I would. She didn’t say “Christ”, this beautiful African American woman - no, she said G-d. “G-d says to stick with Him.” I became Elul-ogized because I felt her legit-ness.
This past year dangled on a pendulum swinging back and forth between exciting and confusing, with a stream of pleasant feelings intertwined with unexpected heartaches and deep wounds. Great things flourished, but I was thrust into constant death and loss, miscommunication and misinterpretations so regularly in 5770, that one day life became a bit more clear to me and I only noticed it because I’d been wrestling so much with things that did not make sense. Now all I could do to be the best and most energetically-full Me, with all my overlapping identities, was move forward with the goodness in my heart, dance, and keep telling my Truth. People will definitely find ways to judge, not understand, try to shame and put into a bad light a Jew, a Woman, any person of Color and the community of LGBTQs, but I must not succumb to anything but being who I am.
I am a manifestation of good, of G-d, no matter the opinions of others, and especially not when the people who misconstrue you the most may be the same people whom you are shocked would even be doing such a thing in the first place. While everyone remains selfish in meeting another halfway, a person’s intentions will continually be misconstrued and not given a respectful chance to be communicated about to achieve a bit of understanding. However, as I shed my upsets and disappointments with circumstances and leave them into the past to which I move on from, I go back to what my heart knows - “sticking with G-d”. May the new person of great possibilities emerge - happy, shiny, renewed, and hopefully, a little more understood. Life will go on no matter what, so now that I am fully aware that I, too, will die soon, I look forward to a new year that feels as good as I am feeling now as I reflect inwardly and begin anew again. May this year be sweet, kind and nice. May I continue to live 100%, and a good 100% at that.
Question in order to understand. Until next time, Shanah Tovah.
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