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Jewish Journal

Opinion: Two-state solution

by Rob Kutner

August 10, 2011 | 10:40 am

With all the wrangling over solutions to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, no one has dared to suggest the most obvious one of all: science.  Until now. The following vision of a future Mideast at peace is an excerpt from leading Futurosopher/comedy writer Rob Kutner’s new e-book, “The Future According to Me.”

At long — long — last, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict was over. And it was a tie.

Thanks to a breakthrough in quantum geopolitics, both peoples

could now live on the entire New Jersey-size sliver of holy desert — simultaneously.

The solution was discovered by two geophysicists who accepted their Nobel Peace Prize with a five-word speech, “Follow that, next year’s guy!”

Of course there were tricky parts, like scheduling your flight in the correct probability, but even beforehand getting to your destination in the Middle East was a matter of probability, too.

And fanatics on both sides bristled at only praying in a Jerusalem/Al-Quds no longer mathematically eternal. But they were quickly consoled with full access to the biblical borders, or their grandparents’ Jaffa houses, respectively.

Unfortunately, the geophysicists had failed to take into account another quantum property: entanglement — two particles’ ability to affect each other at a distance. 

And so an Israeli grandmother’s hand stirring borscht caused a Palestinian architect’s to draw useless circles on a blueprint. Religious Jews suddenly found their bodies jumping into cars on the Sabbath, Arab night-clubbers involuntarily circling up to dance the horah.

At least before, the two peoples had been separated by walls, provisional borders, language, religion. Now they were truly enmeshed in each other’s affairs.  And they were not happy about it.

But, paradoxically, this is what produced the region’s most lasting peace. The two nations joined in common rage against their agreed-upon malefactors, who had put them in this predicament:

“NERDS!”

Kutner is a writer for Conan O’Brien who has also written for “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” and, at gunpoint, The Jewish Journal.  “The Future According to Me” is available for download on any computer or device (not just a Kindle) at Amazon.com’s Kindle store. For 99 cents. What could it hurt?

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