Opinion

July 19, 2011

Dennis Prager: Adults who do not speak to a parent

By Dennis Prager

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For two decades I have been on a crusade: to convince adults who have cut off all communication with a parent to re-establish contact.

Through my radio show, which deals as much with personal issues as with politics, I became aware of something that, as a parent, I view as a nightmare:  children who voluntarily disappear from a parent’s life.

The pain I heard in the voices of parents whose son or daughter had ceased speaking to them broke my heart. In some ways, I would imagine, the pain can be more difficult to handle than the death of a child. It is, after all, a form of death, but it has the added pain of having been deliberately inflicted upon the parent. And in the case of grandparents whose adult children have severed all communication, they not only lose all contact with their child, but with their grandchildren as well — something that is not the case when an adult child dies.

While I can imagine situations in which there is a moral justification for cutting off all contact with a parent, those situations are rare. Beyond the parent who presents a physical threat to the child or who has a history — a real history, not a “recovered memory” induced by a psychotherapist — of sexual molestation or serious physical abuse, it is very difficult to imagine a situation in which never communicating with a parent is justifiable.

On one of my radio shows on this topic, I asked adults who have ceased speaking to a parent to call in. One woman in her late 20s, a resident of Santa Monica, told me that she had not contacted her mother in nearly 10 years. I asked the woman if her mother had molested or beaten her. On the contrary, she told me — not only had her mother never done such things, she had always shown her love.

I was, needless to say, mystified.

“So why don’t you talk to her?” I asked

“Because she has a very dominating personality,” the caller responded. “And if I let her in my life, she will dominate it.”

I suspected the influence of another person in her life, so I asked if she was seeing a psychotherapist. When she answered yes, I asked her what her therapist thought of her not speaking to her mother; she responded that her therapist was completely supportive of this decision.

Having dealt with this issue for so long, here are some conclusions I have reached.

In the majority of cases, children who have cut off all contact with a parent are engaged in an act that is so hurtful, it borders on evil.

And if this decision is abetted by one’s psychotherapist, that therapist is an accessory to a moral crime. He or she is also probably an incompetent therapist. The easiest things for a therapist to do are to affirm a patient’s sense of victimhood and to approve of selfish decisions of the patient, even when those decisions hurt others.

Just as good religion makes people better people and bad religion makes people worse people, good therapy makes people better and bad therapy makes people worse. Unfortunately, there is a lot of bad religion and there is a lot of bad therapy.

There is an additional danger to cutting off all contact with a parent: How will people who do this feel after their parent dies? The importance of having made some peace with a parent before he or she dies is difficult to overstate. I know women who were sexually abused by their father but who, as adults, have not completely cut themselves off from him — solely to ensure their own inner peace after he dies.

Also, parents who do not speak with their own parent(s) might consider what sort of model they present to their children about how to treat a parent.

This painful subject is one of the many reasons I so strongly affirm a God-based and Torah-based values system. The great majority of human beings go through a difficult period with one or both of their parents, a period when anger or even hatred is greater than love for a parent. I am convinced that it is for that reason — the complex nature of many people’s feelings toward their parents — that the Torah avoids commanding that we love our father and mother. We are commanded to love the stranger, to love God and to love our neighbor, but we are not commanded to love our parents.

But we are commanded to honor our parents. In other words, even if we hate our parents, with rare exceptions, we must still honor them. Honoring them means, at the very least, staying in contact with them.

I wish a study would be conducted of a thousand adult children who have chosen to break off all contact with a parent to reveal how many of them believe in the Ten Commandments as a God-given document. My suspicion is that very few of them do. If I am wrong, however, if religious Jews and religious Christians are just as likely to cut off all contact with a parent as are irreligious people, then I would have to conclude that Judaism and Christianity, whatever benefits they may offer the individual, are morally largely worthless.

The greatest message of Judaism is to act nobly even when one doesn’t feel like doing so. If one cannot do this with regard to one of the Ten Commandments, that message has truly been lost.

And, speaking Jewishly, it is better to eat pork on Yom Kippur than to destroy a mother or father.

A version of this article appeared in print.

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Unfortunately, some of us must make the difficult choice between living a peaceful and emotionally healthy life without our parent(s), or exposing our young and impressionable children to constant, self-esteem destroying ridicule and belittling from my father, and the blind-eye of my materialistic mother, thus perpetuating this dangerously toxic and dysfunctional behavior onto yet another generation.

It’s just not as simple as the writer suggests. At some point, someone has to be strong enough to say, “The dysfunction stops here.”

Comment by T Royal on 7/19/11 at 11:48 pm

Mr. Prager has once again, gotten on his moral high horse and journeyed off into a golden sunset of his own imagination.

As a counselor, the emotional pain that many parents have inflicted on their children, intentionally or not, becomes the fulcrum point of their lives, leaving such huge scars that many preferred the “whipping lash” to the “eviscerating word.”

But to make this dichotomy, one must have empathy, putting one’s own needs second to that of another who is in pain. And Mr. Prager’s empathy only extends to a select conservative few.

Comment by marc rogers on 7/21/11 at 9:49 am

Mr. Prager is a writer and talk show host.  He is not a trained and licensed psychologist.  I suggest that the Jewish Journal refrain from publishing this type of article in the future.

Comment by Jay Carsman on 7/21/11 at 1:16 pm

” a real history ... of sexual molestation or serious physical abuse”

I would add emotional abuse to the list.

My father subjected to constant emotional and physical abuse, the latter including a broken arm.  The emotional abuse was much worst.

Comment by Anonymous on 7/22/11 at 10:05 am

I’m in shock!  Prager’s latest vapid ejaculation failed to take out after the “liberals” he constantly, ignorantly lambastes.

This time he presumed to decide that a therapist he knows nothing about is wrong to support an adult daughter’s decision not to let her “dominating” mother into her life.

I actually agree with Prager that it is a terrible loss to be severed from one’s parents, but unlike Prager, I don’t know enough to decide where the “blame” lies.

Or maybe the delightful “Chelm on the Med”” of Daniella Ashkenazy—funny items culled from the Israeli press.

Anything but the dull, self-righteous posturings of Dennis Prager.

Comment by Hypatia on 7/23/11 at 6:25 pm

How dare Mr. Prager presume to know the childhood and adulthood of any of us? How dare he declare that we should forgive a parent who has scarred us in ways that he can never know? Can he know of a parent who is evil, conniving and bitter? One that drove my only sibling to suicide? Who does he think he is? How dare he?

Comment by Nina on 7/23/11 at 10:50 pm

My siblings and I did not speak to our father for many years because our mother convinced us to be on her side during the divorce. This tactic is common. Psychologists call it “Parental Alienation Syndrome.” My father was a decent person. I did re-establish contact with him, and we had a rewarding relationship during the last 15 years of his life. Listen up, folks. Only about 1-2% of the population is truly evil. The rest are profoundly flawed, including you and me. Salvage what you can with your parents. It doesn’t mean they have to be your best friend, but they should be in your life enough so that you honor them and show the younger generation what it means to honor the old.

Comment by Ariella on 7/24/11 at 9:03 am

Ariella, parent alienation syndrome is not an official diagnosis. In fact, there is a great deal of controversy in the field of psychology /psychiatry that this category was included , as there is no empirical evidence for its justification.

In your situation, your mother was the emotionally abusive parent.

Prager paints everything with a black-and-white conservative, religious brush, and as the majority of the letters so heartfeltly state, emotional abuse leaves such scars that physical abuse would have been a “better” alternative.

Comment by marc rogers on 7/24/11 at 10:36 am

Thank you for a well written and well defined article.  Obviously, the child who needs to push his parents out of his life has not grown up.  Maturity is dealing with many issues—not avoiding them.  And he is teaching his own children a distorted behavior as well.

Comment by maxie on 7/24/11 at 11:05 pm

Maxie,you have been drinking at the Dennis Prager dissembling bar one time too many.

The child did not push the parent out of his life- the parents through emotional evisceration pushed the child out of their lives/

Maturity is knowing when a relatiobship is toxic and devoid of an antidote, making sure that the abuser’s abuse does not reach or affect adversely his children.

You, like Dennis, have remained mired in antediluvian ideas that “sparing the rod, verbal or physical, is spoiling the child.”

Comment by marc rogers on 7/24/11 at 11:16 pm

Dear Marc Rogers: Let’s assume my mother had been emotionally abusive. Should I have cut her out of my life? According to you and others, I would have been justified in doing so. But then it would have created a lot of pain for her and other family members. My children (who adore her) would have been denied a wonderful opportunity to be loved and cherished by her. I would have lost out on a warm and loving relationship with her. Instead, I chose to forgive her and not let her mistakes define our relationship. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. It was also far more compassionate of me to keep her in my life than to exclude her. My experience proves Dennis Prager’s point.

Comment by Ariella on 7/25/11 at 11:47 am

Ariella, first you want us to assume that your mother was abusive, and then you contradict yourself by arguing that, had you cut your mother out of your life, you and your children would have lost out on a warm and loving relationship with her. So which is it? Is your mother warm and loving, or abusive?

Comment by T Royal on 7/25/11 at 12:16 pm

Congratulations to Ariella for her maturity and love….for   in so doing enriched her life and everyone’s life. The bitter misguided individuals who see otherwise…even seek venegnce… are holding on to old angers. And they relive them every day and they hurt every day. How sad for them.

Chinese Proverbs: He who seeks vengeance must dig two graves: one for his enemy and one for himself.

Comment by maxie on 7/25/11 at 1:04 pm

“Emotionally abusive” was Marc Rogers’s term, not mine. It’s an imprecise, slippery term, and not particularly useful, in my opinion. But, for the sake of argument, let’s assume my mother was emotionally abusive during the years she divorced my father. She didn’t mean to do harm, but harm was done. My mother, like all of us humans, is complex and full of contradictions. She has done both good and bad. But she has done far more good than bad, which is why I love her and keep her in my life. How is that a contradiction, T Royal?

Comment by Ariella on 7/25/11 at 1:35 pm

You are the misguided ones, for you fail to realize that remaining in an abusive relationship will only serve to perpetuate harmful and dysfunctional behavior onto future generations. Do you want your grandchildren and great-grandchildren to suffer the horrors and daily abuses that you were forced to endure? Because that’s EXACTLY what will happen if you continue to ignore, perpetuate or tolerate the abuse, or pretend it doesn’t exist. If you’re unwilling to recognize the pain and heartache you’ve caused by your abuse, and especially if you refuse to change the way you treat your family members, then you only have yourself to blame for being cut off.

Comment by T Royal on 7/25/11 at 1:42 pm

T Royal, nobody can disagree with what you just said. But, would you agree that there is a difference between a parent who is intentionally malicious and indifferent to the suffering she causes, and a parent who is good-hearted but who made some serious mistakes at a particular time in her life and wants to be forgiven? That’s the distinction I’m trying to make. My mother belongs to the latter category. That’s why I have kept her in my life. And that’s also why the term “emotional abuse” is so problematic.  It means different things to different people, and doesn’t say anything about the intentions or character of a person.

Comment by Ariella on 7/25/11 at 1:59 pm

Ariella, first you describe your mother as abusive, and then you describe her as warm and loving. You don’t see a contradiction there? I sincerely think it’s wonderful that you have been able to see the human side of your Mom’s behavior and to forgive her. You are very strong, and your mother is very lucky, in that respect. Hopefully she recognizes that, is contrite, and has changed the way she communicates with and treats her family members. But if not . . . if she continues to display abusive behaviors, especially in the presence of her grandchildren, then it is likely that such abusive and destructive behaviors will continue to perpetuate in your family, from generation to generation.

Comment by T Royal on 7/25/11 at 3:18 pm

Emotional abuse by any other name is emotional abuse. Intentionality or inadvertent pain or hurt is still felt as pain or hurt. At the time of impact, the differentiation is a matter of semantics.

Vengeance is different from justice in the service of making sure that the abuse is not passed on like a psychological RNA/DNA.

Comment by marc rogers on 7/25/11 at 4:17 pm

Maxine and Ariella : psychologcially speaking,forgiving someone and working through a problem are two birds of a different flock.

Forgiving is easy- working through to see how you were and are affected, unconsciously, is the key.

As a psychologist, I speak from hundreds of cases. Dennis Prager, who through his religious and political insularity speaks theoretically, has not looked into the hundreds of pained eyes and hearts as I have.

Comment by marc rogers on 7/25/11 at 4:23 pm

Marc Rogers, what makes you think forgiveness is easy? Wouldn’t you agree that it is necessary to work through a problem before true forgiveness can take place? That’s what I had to do, and it took years of struggle, introspection, and maturity. I would not have been able to do it if I had cut my mother or my father out of my life. BTW, I sincerely hope you are able to heal the pain you see in your patients. God knows there is too much pain in this world.

Comment by Ariella on 7/25/11 at 5:23 pm

Ariella, is it possible that it took so many years of struggle BECAUSE you were unable or unwilling to extricate yourself from the situation while you dealt with it? Just a thought . . . Regardless, I commend you on your committment to working through the issues and restoring your relationship with your mother. It is, indeed, a very difficult thing to do, and you are very brave. I’m glad things worked out for you. Most victims are not as fortunate as you are to have their abusive parent(s) be willing to correct their destructive behavior patterns, express regret for the pain they caused and seek forgiveness.

Comment by T Royal on 7/25/11 at 5:52 pm

Ariella, forgiveness is a tricky issue, fraught with more loose ends than can be calibrated.

Abuse, in many cases, needs to be done separately from the abuser, especially if there are children or grandchildren involved.

I look into my patient’s abyss of seemingly endless pain and try to exchange a ladder instead of the shovel that defensively crave.

Too many people hide behind mutually shared blood ties to avoid accountability or have their eviscerating actions excused/overlooked under the guise of forgiveness.

My patients may have been abused once but on my watch, it damn will not happen again.

Comment by marc rogers on 7/25/11 at 9:15 pm

Mr Rogers clearly has a ‘chip on his shoulder’ for Prager. Most if not all are directed at Pragers character and never on the issues at hand with substantial counter arguments. Perhaps you should switch places with your patients.

Comment by Straight Shooter on 7/26/11 at 11:30 pm

Straight shooter, you need to get a new sobriquet.

I have proven Prager wrong again and again on the facts. In fact, there is no one argument that I make that is not fact-driven. I have all prima facie evidence and resources.

You are the one who engages in ad hominem attacks and in my field, you would be classified with a personality disorder. If you need an appointment, feel free to make one.

If you have read all of the commments regarding Prager whenever he writes his tendentious and insular scribing, most of the readers agree with my viewpoints.

Maybe you have a chip on your shoulder for the truth!

Comment by marc rogers on 7/27/11 at 3:47 am

One last commentary ‘‘Straight Shooter”: I would willingly debate you or Dennis one- on-one in front of a third party panel, and let them judge the veracity and validity of my polemics.

I, unlike you, am really the straight shooter!

Comment by marc rogers on 7/27/11 at 3:52 am

My daughter-in-law decided she did not approve of the way we cared for our elderly parents who lived with us, and after they passed away, she cut off all contact with us. She refused to answer our phone calls or emails.  I asked her what we did, and asked her to forgive us for whatever had caused her so much anger towards us, but it was to no avail.  The grandchildren I was so very close to are now far removed from us. Mr. Prager captures the pain we feel in becoming personae non grata.  How sad that my grandchildren will never know me as I wished they would, and that I follow their lives vicariously through facebook accounts, when they live less than 2 miles away.

Comment by gb on 7/30/11 at 9:39 pm

“if religious Jews and religious Christians are just as likely to cut off all contact with a parent as are irreligious people, then I would have to conclude that Judaism and Christianity, whatever benefits they may offer the individual, are morally largely worthless.”
Wrong, you cannot blame Judaism.  A person consumed with hate is irrational.  That’s why we have yet to recover from the destruction of the Temple: we still suffer from baseless hatred (sinat chinam).

Comment by gb on 7/30/11 at 9:42 pm

gb: Regarding your comment . . . “I asked her what we did, and asked her to forgive us for whatever had caused her so much anger towards us, but it was to no avail.”

How can you expect to be forgiven when you won’t even acknowledge what you did wrong? My guess is, you must have treated your elderly parents pretty poorly to have evoked such an extreme reaction from your daughter-in-law. I’m not going to say there’s no hope for a reconciliation, but I can tell you that any attempt you may make is guaranteed to fail if you remain unwilling to acknowledge the complete and honest truth.

Comment by T Royal on 7/30/11 at 10:36 pm

TRoyal, I cared for a parent who had Alzheimers who was seriously abusive as a result of her illness.  I did this for several years in my home.  I was averaging 3 hours of sleep per night.  I was never cruel to my parents, but I was completely exhausted, almost on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I emailed my kids, saying I was depressed about the situation and I felt I had little to look forward to with every new day. Daughter in law took offense that I could say this, when I had beautiful grandchildren. A sad, overwhelmed person can often not see beyond the immediacy of their difficulties.  It’s not “acknowlegement” or denial; I’m bewildered.

Comment by gb on 7/30/11 at 11:33 pm

gb: You first wrote: “My daughter-in-law decided she did not approve of ‘THE WAY WE CARED FOR’ our elderly parents”. Now you are saying that she cut off all communication between you and your grandchildren solely because of the way you ‘FELT about’ your elderly parents’. Which is it?

Hint: If you truly want a reconciliation, I suggest you give a lot of thought to that question before answering it, and leave out any attempts to justify or ‘explain away’ bad behavior. It won’t help. Trust me. I’m trying to help you.

Comment by T Royal on 7/31/11 at 2:13 pm

I have no chip on my shoulder against Dennis. I like many of his moral and some of his political ideas. I have been particularly torn by this issue. I believe that the fulcrum of this argument is what “honor” means. Dennis seems to have summed it up in the end as “a weekly phone call.” On this issue I have to side with Aristotle in the Nicomachean Ethics, which is a strange bed fellow for the Torah. Honor only honorable parents, ostracize those who deserve it. Be reciprocal. Some parents do not deserve a weekly phone call. Honor them simply by not gossiping or speaking ill of them. I don’t think the Torah calls on us to honor the dishonorable.

Comment by U. Akiva on 8/03/11 at 2:07 am

I am a psychotherapist & an adult child who does not speak to her mom. Mom sent me the article. It’s offensive. Adult children should not continue to suffer the bad behavior of parents. Adult children deserve healthy relationships. If time mellows the parent then we can forgive. But if the parent still behaves badly, disrespecting the adult child, the adult child must set boundaries for her own well being & physical health. I won’t respond to my mom sending me this article. There are more loving things she could say or do to get me back. I don’t want to stay away. Mom can’t see outside of herself. She’s her own worse enemy. I always say that with children you get back what you put in.

Comment by Ilissa Banhazl, MFT on 8/19/11 at 8:46 pm

Rich,you are right- I do have “pure” hate for people like you who speak theoretically and have not looked into the pained hearts of those abused by their parents.

And yes, I have “pure” hate for apologists like you who from your benighted sanctuary, tell the abused how to feel and what to do.

If you have experience in this topic and felt the doazens of eyes and wounded hearts like I have, fine. Otherwise, admit your blind fidelity to Prager and his philosophies that are literaally killing our country.

Comment by marc rogers on 8/20/11 at 10:55 pm

To state that an adult child who does not speak to a parent borders on evil, is evil in itself. Respect and honor are earned. I respect and honor those who respect and honor me. Everyone has a breaking point where they just have had enough humiliation, embarrassment and rudeness from a parent. Mr. Prager should not single out adult children for in many cases, they are not the problem.

Comment by Elaine on 8/22/11 at 3:23 pm

Seems you’ve struck a cord Mr. Prager. I’m sure that is good for reviews but not so much for the adult children’s hearts who have been broken. I wonder, what was your mother and father were like? Perhaps you were luckier than most.

Comment by Ilissa Banhazli on 8/22/11 at 7:37 pm

Missing from this discussion are situations where parents disrespect their son’s wife and completely undermine her authority with her own children.  Also, speaking ill of the mother to their grandchildren and their son in subtle ways.  Abusive? Maybe. Dysfunctional? Absolutely.  Good for the children to see their mother disrespected? Not at all.

Comment by Dan on 8/25/11 at 3:04 pm

All Rich can do is call me a liar and a leftist.

He has not accepted my numerous challenges to a debate when he has to stick to facts and not name-calling.

Such a person who hides behind anonymity and is a hatemonger is like every other name caller- a craven coward.

Comment by Marc Rogers on 8/25/11 at 11:22 pm

C’mon, guys . . . let’s not lower this important thread to such a childish level. Marc - don’t dignify Rich’s rantings by responding to them, and Rich - please take your rantings elsewhere. They don’t belong here and it’s distracting us from focusing on the true topic, which is very important.

Comment by T Royal on 8/26/11 at 12:47 am

T Royal, you are of course right.

I pride myself on doing research, using first- hand resources and making a presentation that you can either agree with or not, but if you disagree, I expect your discordant polemics will and would be based on research that is based on facts- not rantings.

Thank you for recognizing and acknowledging the difference.

I aslo admire your courage, because you may not be the subject and recipient of Rich’s rantings.

Comment by Marc Rogers on 8/26/11 at 8:59 am

My father would wake my brother and beat him. He has no memory so he still talks to them.  Once, my dad jammed a knife into the kitchen table in front of my 10 year old brother.  My dad used to FORCE me to wear a bikini to the beach so he could look at my body.  He kissed me on the lips and exclaimed “juicy!”.  He felt my breasts and touched them repeatedly as I got older making it look like an accident.  He gave me a book about father/daughter incest and interrogated me about it.  When I was 11, he told me that he was going to leave my mother for another woman.  He offers no apologies. Shame on my mother for not protecting us. She did nothing to stop him and still takes his side.

Comment by Judy on 9/12/11 at 11:00 pm

I was lucky having incredible parents! unfortunately mom is in heaven and dad remarried the true incarnate of an evil step mother..although at first she seemed wonderful…her 2 adult children wont speak to her and won’t let their children speak to her although she’s worth possibly 50 million she can’t buy the love of her children as she emotionally toyed with them forever..as adults they said enough was enough..she carries this article from dennis to show how awful it is when adult children won’t speak to their parents..I can only thank god daily this evil manipulative conniving woman was not my mother…dennis prager would change this article completely if he ever met this woman!

Comment by nick on 9/17/11 at 11:14 pm

Dennis Prager is right on.

Comment by Norah on 10/07/11 at 8:43 am

Dennis Prager is not “right on”. The fact is, fundamentally he is WAY OFF, as is demonstrated by the following erroneous statement taken from his above commentary:

“While I can imagine situations in which there is a moral justification for cutting off all contact with a parent, those situations are rare.”

This statement clearly demonstrates his lack of education and knowledge about the prevalence of severely dysfunctional parents in society, and the frequency and severity of related child abuse.

Expecting someone to simply forgive and forget a lifetime of abuse is cruel, and only adds to the pain and shame of their experiences, perpetuating the dysfunction onto future generations.

Comment by T Royal on 10/07/11 at 12:09 pm

If Prager really cares about all of these parents who have been cut-off by their adult children, he would find someone with knowledge and experience to help him develop a series of “Parenting Classes” that would teach these estranged parents how to acknowledge, seek forgiveness for (if possible), and fix their toxic and destructive behavior patterns that drive their children away.

Comment by T Royal on 10/07/11 at 12:11 pm

Tow questions that lurk in the shadows and have never been asked are predicated on the gap between what Dennis preaches and pontificates for others to blindly follow and how he conducts his personal affairs.

I am not familiar with his family structure or personal life at all ( and I am not passing judgment) but I wonder if he has been married more than once and how his children REALLY view his “loving ministrations?

Comment by Marc Rogers on 10/07/11 at 12:21 pm

Before people skewer me over the coals, I do recall an article Dennis wrote a few years ago that stridently asserted his right to smoke in the house against the wishes, desires and the health of his children.That article emphatically stated that as an adult, he could do what he wanted and that discussion and debate were not viable alternatives.

That dogmatism seems to be pervasive in everything he says and does, and yet he is telling others how to deal with an abusive parent when he himself would shower the wrath of G_D if anyone told him what to do and how to behave.

That is my point!

Comment by Marc Rogers on 10/07/11 at 1:50 pm

Aside from Dennis Prager as an individual, the point he is making resonates with many parents who did their best to raise their children and yet find themselves estranged from them as adults.  If there was abuse or neglect, then adult children have every right to stay away, and to keep the grandchildren away. But there are many parents who did their best to raise their children, giving them roots and wings, giving them love, attention, help and encouragement to achieve their dreams in life and yet get cut off once the children become adults.  There are many parents who think they did too much!  I am curious if any of you who oppose this point of view have adult children of your own…

Comment by Norah on 10/08/11 at 7:56 am

Yes, I have two adult children and two grandchildren. Why do you ask?

Comment by T Royal on 10/08/11 at 11:42 am

T Royal, I’m assuming you have not experienced estrangement from your own adult chidren.  It can be devastating. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I believe it can happen to anyone.

Comment by Norah on 10/08/11 at 3:05 pm

Norah,

As a matter-of-fact, I have experienced estrangement from one of my own adult chidren. Shortly after my son turned 18, he told me that my parents had contacted him and invited him over for dinner, and he asked me if it would bother me if he went. We briefly discussed the reason that I kept my son and daughter away from their maternal grandparents when they were young, and the fact that they are now adults, and have the emotional maturity and physical ability to recognize danger and protect themselves from any emotional, physical and/or sexual abuse, should they encounter it.         

(continued . . . )

Comment by T Royal on 10/28/11 at 3:21 am

I told my son that the decision whether or not to accept the dinner invitation, or participate in any future events involving his grandparents is now completely up to him. Long story short, he accepted the invitation. As I expected, my parents didn’t waste any time, lavishing my son with expensive gifts and cash at every opportunity, trying to make-up for lost time, perhaps. (But more likely to buy my son’s loyalty to them while they vindictively told him malicious lies about me, blaming me for tearing the family apart, instead of admitting to their abusive behavior towards others, and accepting culpability for the time they lost with their grandson. (continued . . .)

Comment by T Royal on 10/28/11 at 3:23 am

(Sadly, they couldn’t care less about the time they lost with my daughter because she’s adopted and not genetically related to them. In fact, no one in the entire family (including aunts, uncles and cousins) has made any attempts to re-establish contact with my daughter since she turned 18, and they have openly told me that, in retribution for my decision to leave the family when my children were young, they no longer consider my daughter (or her two children) to be a member of their family (which is a clear example of just how messed-up my family is! Honestly, I’m ashamed to admit I’m related to these people.)  (continued . . .)

Comment by T Royal on 10/28/11 at 3:26 am

My father tried hard to create a rift between my son and I, and for a short time, he succeeded. Of course, it was heart-breaking, but I knew my son would eventually see through their maze of manipulation.
After a few weeks of estrangement, my son called and apologized for the way he had been treating me. He confessed that my father had tried to bribe him into permanently severing his relationship with me. I was so proud of my son when he told me that he had bravely stood up to his grandfather, and warned him to cease his efforts to tear us apart, or he would never see his grandson again.  (continued . . .)

Comment by T Royal on 10/28/11 at 3:28 am

I’m pleased to see that my son grew up to be a strong and confident person, which would not have been the case if I had allowed him to be bullied and abused by his grandfather when he was young. I understand that the estrangement caused them a lot of pain, but my responsibility to protect my children from harm was/is my first priority. Period.  (End)

Comment by T Royal on 10/28/11 at 3:30 am

T Royal, your story is a good example of how estrangement can take place through no fault of your own.  While you most likely had good reason for your own estrangement, the fact that others could try to manipulate your son into estranging from you (enablers) is what happens very often in these cases.  I’m very glad that it was not long term.  ... continued…

Comment by Norah on 10/28/11 at 4:49 pm

... This is a very complicated subject.  For example, it seems that often adult children who had a bad childhood for one reason or another do not become estranged and even cling to parents who might have abandoned or abused them as children, while parents who tried very hard to do everything they could to provide a loving and stable environment for their children find themselves estranged.  When estrangement happens, it seems it rarely if ever results in permanent reconciliation.  However, in my own case and that of many other parents, we are learning how to let go, move on, let the children “own” their decision, and live fulfilling lives ourselves.  It is often the only answer.

Comment by Norah on 10/28/11 at 4:55 pm

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