Yitzy likes to have fun — not the “get a table at a club, pick up skeezy girls, and then do cocaine with some strippers at an after-party” kind of fun — but more like the “travel to new places, try new restaurants, host a party at his place” kind of fun. My kind of fun. I would almost date Yitzy if I were a woman. Almost. The most interesting thing about Yitzy is his ability to learn things quickly. He grew up in an ultra-Orthodox home and missed out on some of the typical social cues most people outside of the Chasidic ghettos learn from a young age. Yet he picks up so quickly on everything that it’s fascinating to watch. When I met him, he was a suit-wearing young Chasid with little experience or secular education. He had never touched a woman. Ten years later, the guy’s turned into a Lothario. And from what I hear, he’s got something in common with Milton Berle — and it’s not comedy. He dresses well — but in fairness, that’s my doing. I’ve probably picked out almost every item of clothing in his closet. He doesn’t care to shop. In fact, he now pays me 20 percent of what I buy to “style” him. I’m not a stylist by trade, but I like clothes, I’m too poor to shop the way I’d like, and whatever I buy for him I can usually steal back a few weeks later without him noticing.
Yitzy’s smart in that type-A business personality kind of way. He loves real estate. He can talk about things that make me want to drive a screwdriver into my ears to drown out the boredom. But he’s driven as hell, and he’s doing well as a result. He likes nice things. He wears an expensive watch. He drives an expensive car. He lives in an expensive building. And whomever he dates, he takes to expensive places. He likes low-key things, as well, but he’s generous with his money and enjoys spending it on people he likes. I took my wife to Catalina on the big boat everyone takes to the island. He rented a helicopter to take his date.
His biggest flaw is his emotional disconnect to some situations. Maybe it’s because of missed social cues, or maybe it’s because he’s so practical that he doesn’t understand why some people get so emotional over things they can’t control, but he’s occasionally out of touch with his feelings. That said, when I point it out to him, he’ll analyze and try to figure out what makes him tick. He likes self-improvement.
I’d say, because of his background, whomever he dates would have to be Jewish — probably the kind of girl who likes to make Shabbat dinners. She doesn’t need to be extremely religious, but she should like the traditions and want to keep them. Also, she should know that he and I like our “boys’ trips out of town” so that’s part of the package when you get Yitzy. Don’t give him crap about it later.
Seth Menachem is an actor and writer living in Los Angeles with his wife and daughter. You can see more of his work on his Web site, sethmenachem.com, and meet even more single peeps at mysinglepeeps.com.