June 22, 2010
Table The Cable
Telemarketer: Hi I’m calling from AT&T to let you know of our latest special on cable TV.
Me: Thanks, but we don’t have cable.
Telemarketer: Excuse me? What do you mean?
Me: What do you mean? What do I mean? I mean we don’t have cable.
Telemarketer: Then you’re perfect candidates for our latest special. For only nine ninety-
Me: I don’t want cable.
Telemarketer: You don’t want any cable?
Telemarketer: Not even a little cable?
Telemarketer: How ‘bout basic-basic cable, just 6 channels of cable?
Me: What part of I don’t watch TV don’t you understand?
Telemarketer: Not even sports?
Telemarketer: How ‘bout the news?
Me: I read
Telemarketer: What about the weather channel?
ME: I look outside.
Telemarketer: So you’re sayin you don’t have a TV?
Me: Oh, I have a TV.
Telemarketer: So would you like to take advantage of our nine ninety nine special for basic cable, we’ll even throw in on demand movies for an extra nineteen -
Me: I don’t watch TV.
Telemarketer: So you’re sayin, you have a TV, but you don’t watch TV?
Me: I watch movies- only sometimes. At night. Occasionally.
Telemarketer: Great, would you like to take advantage of our-
Me: I think we’re done.
This is a conversation I have at least once a week. Sometimes with the AT&T salesmen combing the streets looking for neighbors who need more cable. Question. If you have cable, why do you need MORE cable? Is it really necessary to spend that extra five bucks on two hundred more channels you’re just gonna flip through anyway to get to NBC to watch the Lakers? For those of us who don’t have cable, could you please stop staring at our home like monkey cages in a zoo that live in a hut with painted Palm trees who don’t realize the vines they’re swinging on are fake? The monkeys are happy. So are we.
Phone is ringing, I gotta get that.
Telemarketer: Hi I’m calling from Time Warner to let you know of our latest special on cable TV.
Me: Of course you are.
(see what I mean?)