Jewish Journal


August 23, 2010

Planet Silicone


Yesterday I was listening to the news and overheard a report that said scientists have figured out a way to customize in vitro’s to look like celebrities, which means you can order your child to look like Lindsay Lohan or Brittney Spears. It is this society’s vain, self-possessed, and egocentric celebrity obsessed reason that I decided to post this short story. Plus I’m grieving, so I’m allowed to be cheeky. 

If the world went out of business and had to liquidate, forcing us all to leave our planet for good, and we were only allowed one incredible invention to take with us to our new planet, I gather the world would vote on taking Silicone. 

People would shmear it all over their faces, and hope their wrinkles would disappear. So what if there’s an Armeggedon, society’s number one rule has become, vanity. Looking well preserved is practically a world law.  (At least in certain countries. Don’t ask me to point out the ones that don’t honor this cherished value. You know who you are.)  All you have to do to prove this theory is watch the many infomercials convincing women to inject their bodies with severely dangerous botulism so their smile looks less like the crypt and more like the well-preserved morgue.

Then again, who would blame us, since living without gravity will only improve this product?  Buildings and homes will be kept in tact as lathering it with the special invention can help keep paint and dry wall from cracking.

We already use it in every day products like cookware, as sealants, and for our own medical applications. We may even use it to bake with one day and inject into our sponge cake recipes, so we don’t get deflated droopy pastry.  Silicone is the best product, which is the reason I wonder why we don’t make “Silicone day” in the place of “Earth Day”.

It can stretch, pull, and fill in almost anything.  Feeling lonely? Get a silicone fill.  Need self- esteem? Get a silicone filling. Hate your curly kinky hair? Silk it up using silicone. Your lab-made celebrity look-alike daughter isn’t pretty enough? Give her a little boost. See how useful this miracle product is? Silicone can fill in the deflated human parts we’re ashamed of to make them perfectly engorged once again. Today, many would call that distasteful vanity, but once our species begin living on another planet, that may just become protocol.  We’re already headed towards a world where the most popular TV show is called “Extreme Makeover”, and the only memorable commentaries in pop culture are made by plastic bobble heads slathered in silicone made body parts using crass humor and over indulgent insults to comment on the already perfectly beautiful (filled with silicone of course).

So while vanity is hugely repugnant and clearly an addiction in today’s culture, one cannot deny that Silicone will eventually preserve us beyond our own expectations. And it is vanity, which will clearly prevent us from becoming the lost, the forgotten, and the overlooked.

For the day will come, when our corpses will be buried deep inside the new planet, and billions of years will go by, and the region will erode. Thousands of civilizations will build over the existing cemeteries. One day, a scientist will dig us up, and our hair will be gone, our bones will turn to dust, and lying there in the grave right above our rib cage that has slowly disintegrated will be two round bags that look like jellyfish in the shape of 2 deflated balloons resembling a flavorless no-bake dessert. And they will say. “Here lies a woman who liked Jell-o so much, she inserted it into her body, hoping to preserve herself for all eternity.” Large museums will have the bog female from this archeological dig on display next to the Dinosaur exhibit. And many will wonder if she ever really existed as the Prehistoric reptiles did. Most probably, this generation will be forgotten, but all boobs, they will live on forever.  Vanity will finally tell its story, and all will be good with the world. That is if it doesn’t combust from the decades of botox seeping into the bloodstream of our planet’s new soil killing off all that is left of our new home.

I feel much better now that I have gotten this story off my chest.

Thanks for letting me share.

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