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October 15, 2012

Lost My Phone, Found My Mind

http://www.jewishjournal.com/blog/item/lost_my_phone_found_my_mind/

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A couple of weeks ago, I woke up to find my phone was gone. I could not remember where in the world I put it. I spent an un-G-dly amount of time making extra stops because I needed phone numbers, addresses and constant pee stops in between all the tea and water I was downing on the way to late meetings. I was a complete mess, and could not remember where my next appointment was or who I was supposed to meet. The only thing that I had going for me was my Onstar that had 3 numbers stored in there. My two sisters and my husband. If it weren’t for that I’d still be driving in circles looking for the address of one of my contacts I was set to meet at 1, but arrived at 2 since I was out of my mind and couldn’t remember where I put anything, including my eyeballs. It’s like complete Armageddon when you lose your phone. I was totally at a loss, and for the first time I actually had time to think.  All meetings had to be eventually cancelled, and I was forced to just be. Ya sure, I was connected to my computer for part of the day, but the other part was connected to one thing.

Myself.

OMG, what a scary place to be. All alone without the constant buzzing to distract my thoughts. Do you know how scary it is up there in that mind of mine? It’s like traffic on the 405 with police and ambulances 24-7. On Yom Kippur I spent a good portion of the day thinking about how bad I had been. How much improvement I had to make, how unworthy I felt, and by the time the fast was over and I was depleted of all guilt, confession and repenting, and was really looking to finally goin Blackberry and zoning out of my misery, and then I lost my phone.

So the week after was spent reframing, regrouping, and redefining.  And if there’s one thing I hate to do, its Re- anything. Cause it means I have to change. And change sucks, and I loathe having to say I’m sorry and admit my wrongdoings, and more than anything I really wish I could just get it right the first time and really be awesome all the time.....but I grew up in the 80’s watching Animal House, so that it not sure to happen anytime soon.

So here is what I’ve decided this year.  Since I lost my phone, and that is considered a “wake up call”, and since I had to really think in my big head all day without distractions, I’ve decided that this year I am going to stop thinking the bad stuff.  I mean I know I can’t turn it off completely (I’d hate to get too healthy). But this year I want to stop speaking to myself like I’m a wicked awful criminal. I want to stop self loathing and nitpicking every little thing that I hate about myself. I want to be kinder to myself and I want to look in the mirror and really like who I see, not because I lost that last third pound, or because I had to earn someone’s love because that’s how I think I am worthy, but because I am G-d’s creature. Because I am someone who is worthy whether i call someone back or not, whether I am good at scrabble or not, (and I am damn good...) whether I make someone happy by baking them a cake or not, whether I show up or forget completely because I don’t have a phone.

This year is a new year. It’s a year of change, of positive thinking, of kinder thoughts, and of living in the moment. Truly living in it, not being in it while thinking....hey this is great, but really what’s next, and who the hell knows what’s coming, OMG it’ll probably be bad...real bad.  NO This year I plan on thinking differently, wishing lovingly and listening to a new voice that’s a mixture of Wayne Dyer meets Oprah and Jimmy Kimmel.  Cause we all need to laugh... especially when we lose our mind, our sense of humor, or our phone.

This year, when I start thinking the bad stuff, I plan on pushing it all into a delete folder that I hope I lose completely by year end. Hey, maybe it’ll finally be gone and end up in the black hole vacuum that my phone now lives.

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