October 26, 2010 | 6:42 pm

Mission Accomplished

Posted by Chava Tombosky

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I walk into the Apple store and am immediately alarmed by my out of place greeter named Steven who is in his late 60’s.  He tells me that my computer, which needs a new battery will also need a personalized service technician who is twelve, and the wait is four hours.

Being that I am uncomfortable with the fact that everyone is wearing blue except for me, I try bribing Steven with a Latte with hopes that I can be squeezed in sooner. Steven doesn’t like my attitude or my charm and immediately directs me to Cate. That’s right it’s Cate with a C, who immediately has her own little attitude and tells me my broken laptop will cost me $130 and an evaluation will be recommended to determine the exact defect, which will be a long wait. Cate is blonde and bossy and likes her i-pad more than she likes real live people.

“However,” she says, “If you choose to wait stand-by you will save a little bit of money- but the wait may be long and you haven’t made an appointment.”

“How long is the wait? And how much is the discount?”

“I don’t know, like five dollars and two hours.”

“Well if you don’t know, could you please ask another fourteen year old with a blue shirt who might have the numbers down more accurately?”

Cate with a C heads over to Veronica who tells her if I wait the savings could add up to Thirty dollars.  That’s twenty-five more bucks than Cate with a C thought I’d be able to save. Once again, I beg her to let me squeeze in before her next fifteenth birthday. Cate checks her i-pad as accurately as Tom Cruise can navigate his way on Mission Impossible and I charm her with my empty compliments stating her nail polish is rockin awesome.

Yes, an opening is in thirty minutes, not four hours. Of course it is. Cate with a C clearly had a bias against my body odor and lack of hygiene due to coming straight from the gym.

While waiting to be serviced by the Genius Bar, Oscar approaches me. He’s another pubescent adolescent who asks me if I need any help. I mention to him that I have been helped but that I wouldn’t mind someone who knows how to build a website, and does he do this sort of thing? Oscar’s voice dips to a whisper.  He proceeds to take me over to a laptop and pretends he is selling me the latest Mac book. Without looking up he states, “They are watching us all the time. I cannot give you too much information right now, i.e., my phone number, email address or even real name, but I can help you. Facebook me later. I also edit movies.”

(Of course he does.)

“Oscar isn’t your real name?”

“No, shh, keep looking at the Mac book or they will take away my blue shirt. I look good in blue.”

I now assume that everyone who is wearing a blue shirt with a name tag are all using fake names and are undercover editors and techy geeks from Dell who have managed to hijack Apple and kidnap Steve Jobs for their own profitable gain.

Veronica calls me over and examines my computer. “That will be a hundred bucks.”

I look through my purse and realize I have not brought my Amex card and my debit card is out of money, but my computer must get fixed. I call my husband in a panic wondering if I can place the hundred dollars on his Visa card.

Suddenly Veronica comes back gives me a sweet smile and states, “You’re all good to go, today is on me.”

“What? Just like that? It’s not going to cost me a thing?”

“Nope. You’re good to go.”

All I wanna know is, where is Steve Jobs and what have they done with his mother?

I love Apple.

I want a blue shirt.