November 22, 2010 | 10:55 pm

Black Friday

Posted by Chava Tombosky

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Channel 9 did a news piece on a website known as Quibids, which is an awesome website known to charge a mere sixty cents for a chance to bid on hugely overpriced everyday items.  Internet-ers are spending hours buying Macbook pros for twenty bucks and Sony video cameras worth three hundred dollars for fifteen. Finally a website that makes shopping affordable. Finally a place where us poor folk can buy electronic goodies at huge discounted prices!  ‘Cause this Chanukah/Christmas all we really want to do is buy presents for people we love without having to break the bank or walk into a mall- right?  The newscaster ended the story with this quote:

“There is debate whether online auction sites could lead to a gambling addiction, but a psychologist tells us, moderation and awareness is key.”

Really?  A psychologist told them? Who is this psychologist? I could think of a ton of other more harmful sites “their” psychologist should have warned them about.

What about twitter? People spend hours a day talking about what they’re doing. This may not lead to a gambling addiction, but it can lead to a self-absorption addiction.  What if people start spending too much time alone?  Have you seen the friends who hang out on Facebook at four a.m? Shouldn’t that be in moderation? 

Lindsay Lohan should re-consider building her rehab center for alcoholics and finally make a more useful facility for people who spend too much time talking to the air about themselves. Instead of handing in their shoelaces, self-absorbed addicts should be forced to give up their hand-held mirrors and be denied access to status updates or any sentence that begins with the word “I”.

While we’re at it, what about E-bay? People could get addicted to buying spanks and ski equipment.  I’m picturing garages filled with useless cheap items that cause an outrageous amount of needless clutter.  Clutter can be another dangerous addiction as well.  Do you really need nine sleeping bags and forty-two glass vases? Goodwill might like you, but the rest of us find you hideous.

I won’t even talk about the thousands of porn sites that this newscaster should mention to his psychologist. Forget about moderation, there shouldn’t even be toleration.

Finally someone comes up with a great website that allows people to spend an exorbitant amount of useless time purchasing toys and electronic items they don’t really need for their loved ones, that will end up in their Attic at a great discounted price, and he has to ruin it by mentioning this brilliant website could land us in a detox center?

It is almost Black Friday.  This year after you’ve stuffed yourselves senseless eating three thousand calories worth of Turkey and pie, spent your last paycheck and the fifty bucks you have left in your savings on Quibids buying your kids stocking stuffers and wrapped presents for your fireplace, do the world a favor and call Channel 9’s psychologist to brag. 

Now, go clean out your garage and make room for that huge four hundred dollar mirror you just purchased on Quibids for three bucks.

Remember, moderation and awareness are key.