November 23, 2011 | 5:31 pm

The Ultimate Reality Check

Posted by Chava Tombosky

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After seventy-two days of marriage, that’s less than three months, Kim Kardashian filed for divorce.  This has caused so much outrage even Kim’s own family is clamoring to gain composure from this news. “Encouraged by her mom, Kris, Kim (Kardashian) has become a fame-addicted, money-hungry monster. She has lost touch with reality.”- one insider revealed. So the question begs, is Kim a victim to a failed attempt at love or is she a money hungry reality star who can’t decipher between the dollar and sacred commitment?

Has she indeed lost touch with reality?

We have a serious problem with TV dictating to us what reality is.  According to the dictionary the word reality is defined as: a thing that exists in fact, having previously only existed in one’s mind.

Here’s a fact, we have all lost touch with reality if any one of us believes that this wedding was not a sham in one-way or another. Exactly what reality has Kim lost touch with- the reality that if you make a mock wedding you can rake in 18 million bucks? The reality that marriage has now become one big circus… The reality that the only fools benefiting from Kim’s lost marriage are the dozens of vendors that managed to get their labels viewed on her TV show (aside from Kim and Kris of course)?

But Kim is not the only reality star to test the definition of reality. Even Steve Jones, reality TV star host of X-factor was caught saying “Now let’s get back to reality,” as he was about to announce who was staying on the show and who was voted off. “Let’s get back to reality” was actually a line that was said ON a reality TV show- the very show that is meant to blur the lines of reality.

Because let’s face it, these reality shows are only toting one reality, which is a falsehood state of un-reality that appears to be real, but actually is NOT. Infact reality shows have become so lifelike that they pose a threat to our own reality. They make a mockery of our everyday life and threaten our values. They spend much time convincing us that our REAL reality is not really real at all.  Our reality that we experience every day is no longer sacred. You know what sort of reality I speak of, the reality of umpteen year marriages that has buried parents, celebrated birthdays, and lived with the reality of coming home to a messy house after an honest day’s work, the reality that its hard to pay all the bills without relying on American Express, the reality that we buy our clothes at Target and cut out those Cherokee tags so no one knows we’re on a budget, the reality that no one’s outside standing around with a camera hoping to snatch our picture except the bank. The reality that the only thing that should matter is living life with integrity, having loyalty to friends and family and inspiring others with values that can one day maybe possibly change the landscape of the unrealistic “reality” that is shown on Primetime television.

It took exactly 72 days for the star to run the other way, file for divorce and leave her post as wife. Sources have said she is absolutely outraged by the notion that people are convinced the marriage was a sham from the beginning and just another Kardashian empirical ploy to make top dollar on the coveted sacred commitment most people hold to a higher standard than she managed to do.

Here’s one reality: Kim Kardashian promised the world a wedding. She gave it to us. “Kim Kardashian has made about $18 million off her “fairytale” wedding, and now stands to reap additional revenue from the quickie divorce she is getting from Kris Humphries after only 72 days of marriage”, according to Fox news.

What I find puzzling is that Kim was actually offended by the statements made that her wedding was phony from the beginning. She even has Ryan Seacrest, her executive producer of the Kardashian TV series toting his own line of “poor Kim” rhetoric.

So much so, that just today Ryan was heard saying on the radio that the secret to a marriage surviving is for two people to live together first, and then get married. He was saddened, yet not totally surprised that Kim’s marriage to basketball star Kris Humphries disintegrated upon learning about each other’s house cleaning habits that apparently grated on the new wife’s nerves post marriage just because they never got to shack up first.  (As we will get to see tonight on Kim and Khloe take New York).  Here’s another reality check Ryan, Kim and Kris didn’t need to live with each other before marriage to make it work, they should have spent a modest portion of their $18 million income they made on their wedding alone and paid for an extra housekeeper!

As Kim was caught saying just before her wedding to “Marie Claire,” “I’m not worried about him at all. We have a lot of trust, and I don’t think either of us would do anything to break that…He’s such a good guy; he is so down-to-earth, and it’s such a reality check.”

Here’s a reality check, the fact that Kim is offended that people think she is opportunistic over people imagining that she is one massive failure as a wife is hugely pathetic.  For some reason failing at a marriage when she is thirty-one, after having ALREADY failed at one marriage at a young age, speaks even larger to her character than duping us into believing her marriage was a sham.  I don’t know what I find more offensive, the fact that Kim made money off her marriage/divorce and is upset by her fans not believing the marriage was real, or by the fact that this marriage may have actually been real!

It takes longer than seventy-two days to fall in love.  Making a commitment shouldn’t become an executive decision. 

Here’s a list of other reality checks:

1. There is no REALITY on reality TV.
2. Marriage is the biggest reality, which is why Kim failed at it. She has totally immersed herself in the value that television has insisted we believe in, which is, “life is one big show, and the rest can be viewed on commercials.”
3. Love takes commitment, practice, and hard work.
4. Love should never be toyed with, except if you are a soap opera star and getting paid to have fourteen husbands.
5. Love should never be used to make money, unless you happen to be lucky enough to marry rich because you love the person and there is no pre-nup.
6. Love is meant to be realistic. That means you may fight, you may argue, you might even ignore each other at times, but you always make up and grow as a result of those experiences and         if you can’t grow because of it, its time to re-evaluate, hire a marriage counselor, and get a date night going.
7. Marriage is not meant to be a ploy to land on the Red carpet.
8.    If we want to watch a reality show, we should take the time to watch our own lives unfold. (especially because there are no commercials)
9. Reality is doing laundry TOGETHER. Reality is surviving loss TOGETHER. Reality is raising a family TOGETHER. Reality is eating Turkey and apple pie TOGETHER. Reality is fighting TOGETHER. Reality is making love TOGETHER, throwing out old food that should have been eaten but is now rotting in the second refrigerator TOGETHER, fighting over who gets to drive the nicer car and who has to drive the crap car that screams junkyard TOGETHER. Reality is deciding how to spend that $18 million cash prize you plan on winning one day from 7-11 but never will TOGETHER.
10. And lastly, Love is what happens when that reality takes place.

 

November 11, 2011 | 8:58 am

3 Teenage Suicides Grip One Neighborhood in the same week- How could this have happened?

Posted by Chava Tombosky

Why does it seem that everything good for you these days keeps getting smaller?  Cars are becoming more compact with inventions like the Smart car and electric roadsters that can barely hold four grocery bags from Trader Joe’s. Why are vehicles that can only capably hold one driver with a small wallet- smarter? Engines are no longer robust, it’s all about quiet and barely there. Even strollers are sleeker, skinnier and lack girth. Eight Tracks were traded in for Record players, which in turn have been traded in for CD players and CD players are two years away from extinction; replaced by MP3 files that don’t even have physical properties that a seeing eye dog can find.  Heavy books bound with slices of paper are now teeny files downloaded on Kindles and I-pads.  Big Macs are turning into small yogurt parfaits and size eight is no longer in vogue anymore.  Cellulite is getting zapped, baggy skin is getting chopped, and dog breeders are creating hybrids the size of rabbits that fit in your purse. 

Back in the eighties, when I was a kid, when unnecessary extra clothing like sparkly gloves and leg warmers were worn, sticky big teased hair was flaunted, and the two for one deal was first introduced, it seemed that everything good for you was getting bigger, not smaller.  We were an all consuming society, relegated to “bigger is better” ideals as depicted by the famous Wendy’s commercial where an old lady with a large nose stared at a tiny burger in a gargantuan bun and yelled “Where’s the beef?”

Now it’s about smaller phones that hook on to our ears. Even the name indicates its size. Blue Tooth. Any phone the size of a cavity is questionable. Yet we have continued to slim down, reduce, decrease and economize. 

I am all about less being more. But there is one thing we have also managed to cut down on, which has caused a psychological catastrophe.  We have managed to cut down on what we are grateful for. We have stopped asking what brings meaning and joy in our lives. We have stopped wondering how to fill this big world we have made so much room for with gratitude and a sense of purpose. 

WE have drunk the Kool-Aid yet have failed to internalize the punch.

Last week our community was hit by a series of teenage suicides that struck through our homes like a lightning rod. Within ten days three different isolated and unrelated incidents tore through our community begging us all to ask the question, “How could this have happened?” Where did we all go wrong? For when an event like this hits a community, we are all responsible to ask ourselves what we can do to better engage in having this never happen again.

We are all part of a collective consciousness affecting one another, inspiring each other, and deeply connected. When events like this tear through our unassuming neighborhoods, it is up to us as a collective group to re-evaluate our principles and derive some adjustment and metamorphosis in our thinking. In this turn of economic upheaval, it seems our children are paying the biggest price for our lack of contentment and inability to translate our own challenges into a higher purpose. 

I am privileged to teach teens every week and in my last class I gave them several short minutes to quickly write down a list of ten things they were grateful for.  Across the board the students managed to scrape no more than three grateful items on the page. I then asked them to write down ten events or experiences that brings meaning in to their lives. Again, the majority of the group scrambled, and floundered their way through the exercise.

It became clear that these were conversations my students have not had the chance to confront. How many times do we ask our kids what they are grateful for? How many times do we tell our own children what WE are grateful for? We are living every day as minimalists, we are not confronting the big questions or taking time to stop and relish in connection, life enthusiasm, or deep rooted meaning that fills our lives.

When asked what happens when we don’t have this narrative down in moments that despair and life challenge takes over, the students agreed that it is possible for despondency, sadness, and one student stopped the class, looked deeply into my eyes and said, even suicide is possible.

Maybe we are not exercising enough connection anymore. Maybe we are isolating in front of our skinny televisions and fading our troubles in front of our slick tiny Apple screens. I am just as guilty of not connecting on a deeper level with my own children in times of distress. If it weren’t for Friday nights or Saturdays, our week would never have a chance to experience elevation. Every Friday night we carve out that time to express to each other what we are grateful for. We light candles and set the mood for a delicious dinner, with the table set with our best china and we go around the dining room EVERY Friday and ask, “What was your highlight this week?” This conversation almost always leads to sharing our gratitude and experiences that lead to higher purpose in our lives. 

Maybe it is time we have these conversations with our children, with each other, with our selves more often. Maybe it is time we start filling our homes up with connection that is not just plugged into an electronic device. We owe it to our children to shut down the noise and identify with one another on a deeper level. We owe it to them to replace time with stuff.  Maybe that can be the blessing in having less stuff because of the economic turn; we finally have nothing to bribe our children with except for our time and our conversations. We have become true minimalists after all.
Maybe it is time to reexamine what is really important and fill our hearts and minds up with the real meat of the matter. It’s time we start asking ourselves- “Where’s the beef?”

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